Love Potion Number Nine
by Salina M L
Summary: [main pair: Enwin] A rigged Philosopher's Stone releases a spell on the FMA cast, causing nothing short of absolute chaos. Normal pairs: Edwin, Royai, ScarLust, GreedMarta. Along with other completely ludicrous pairings, and mucked up innuendo. [Complete]
1. Prologue

Hey! This is my Valentine's Day gift for everyone… well, it will actually go through the lover's day until the end of the month. ANYWAY, you can expect pretty much anything here, like semi-cannon pairs, actual cannon pairs, and quite a few extremely mucked up couples… and threesomes, etcetera.

I know, the title is very cliché, but hell! I've got nothing else.

**Disclaimer:** Chibi-san and company belong exclusively to Hiromu Arakawa and anyone else who legally makes money off of them… now that just sounds wrong. I couldn't possibly own the song because it came even before my parents' time. The only OC belongs to me, as well as this plot on crack, which is definitely what I was on when I wrote this.

**Love Potion Number Nine**

**Prologue**

It was just another faulty experiment; a plan like any other that was doomed to fail from the start, as they always do when a villain formulates and integrates their 'master scheme.'

That's all it was supposed to be. No, _really_…

It happened only once a year. About that time when the coldest of the Winter's days had passed and nature was in its transition into Spring, the season of life. Saint Valentine's Day or Valentine's Day on the fourteenth of every February. It is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other; sending Valentine's cards, candy, or donations to charities, often anonymously. Even giving gifts to friends is another nice gesture. It is very common to present flowers on Valentine's Day.

Dante, of course, was not as thrilled as she used to be. There was a time and a place of oh probably a few thousand years ago when she would have leapt for joy as a teen at the thought of dressing up in absurdly frilly, bulky dresses, painting up her face in coat after coat of makeup, and even sachet her pretty little self down the town square.

Followed of course by _a lot _of… you know what.

Ah, youth.

Dante pursed her lips and pulled herself off of the lounge chair, grimacing at the creaking sound her old, 'borrowed' frame made. Oh how she would have loved to get out there and keep up with her old tradition of prowling, notorious behaviour, and waltzing with man after man until the night was done. If not for that, she wouldn't have been quite so successful with her seemingly endless amount of spouses.

Just how many? Hell, even she had lost count.

Not a very romantic story, indeed.

She let out a sigh as she lightly grasped the bright purple shawl around her shoulders. That tradition had long since passed. Well, for as long as she looked like she was waiting for the reaper to put her out of her misery that is. This certainly would not do. She wasn't going to spend another Valentine's Day cooped up in her study…

A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts and she looked up. "Come in."

Her young student, and live in walked in and bowed politely. "Lady Dante…" Lyra smiled brightly. "There is an old lady…" Dante grimaced. "Er, there's-a-woman-here-to-see-you-sensei." She finished quickly.

"Really?" Dante turned to face her. "Well, send her in, my dear."

Lyra stepped aside to reveal a woman of average height and equal in age to Dante's appearance. She wore bright robes of purples, reds, and gold over a long maroon skirt. Her grey hair was tied up in a messy, lopsided bun, and she wore plenty of bulky, golden jewellery. On her feet she wore white socks, and plain sandals. A large satchel was strapped to her back and in her arms she stroked the head of an animal that, oddly enough, looked like a tiger cub. Most of all, she smelt strongly of incense and black tea.

"It's alright now, my pupil." She acknowledged Lyra. "You are excused." Lyra nodded and after a quick bow, she vacated the room.

Dante turned her attention back to exotic looking woman. "Long time no see. What brings you all the way out here to my mansion, Madame Abi?"

The old woman grinned. "Ah, young, Mistress Dante ((just how old is this woman?! XD)). Have you been taking your medicine?"

"Your herbal remedies have no effect." Dante stated, angrily. "My body continues to decay, but I don't appear to have any such illness that would cause this."

"And you have no idea why your flesh is rotting?" Abi asked, her interest peaked.

"No." She murmured. _'I just can't figure out why it could possibly be…'_

"So, Mistress…" Abi smiled. "Any plans for the almost mystical lover's day?" Dante scoffed and Abi laughed out loud. "Ha! I didn't think so. Not exactly spring chickens are we?"

"_I_ would be if I had the Philosopher's Stone…" Dante muttered under her breath, clenching her fist.

Abi raised a brow. "That old thing? Is that all? Preposterous."

Dante's head shot up. "Preposterous?! Surely you of all people know the extent of the stone's power and just how much goes into creating it."

Abi's grin widened. "I do. But what if I were to tell you that I could make a stone for you that wouldn't require quite so many sacrifices and they wouldn't necessarily need to be _live_."

'_Then I would laugh in your face.'_ Would be the reply of a younger, more energetic Dante. "That's impossible. Even a simpleton knows that." Was her dull reply.

Abi shrugged. "Well, I guess you'll be spending the day all by your lonesome." She sang. "I don't know about you, but I simply adore Valentine's Day. Young couples holding hands, whispering loving words to each other just makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside." She held her arms out and began spinning on the spot. "Ah, the very thought makes me feel like an adolescent again. Such wild emotions on this day."

Dante snorted. Yes, youth and emotions. She felt like her entire mansion was overrun with youth, while emotion was another factor. Theoretically, homunculi weren't supposed to have emotions. They would need a soul for that. Or so that's what she filled the heads of her four younger ones with. But hell! Weren't emotions what they were all named after in the first place? What a waste. She glanced back up at Abi who was still spinning and laughing merrily. "So am I correct in assuming that you _can_ form a stone without thousands of human sacrifices?"

Abi halted and dropped her hands, clearing her throat. "Yes, but I would need a compound to start with first."

"Now, that's the easy part." Dante stated. "I have someone working on that for me." She motioned to the door just as the chimera, Shou Tucker walked in. "I trust that you have the jewelled red water?"

The monstrosity extended his arm and opened his palm, revealing the makeup for a Philosopher's Stone. "Yes. I have managed the solidify the red water salvaged from Lab Five." His quiet, hoarse voice answered.

Dante picked up the crimson blob and studied it for a moment before nodding in satisfaction. "Good. You are dismissed." Tucker remained glued to the spot, shifting nervously. "Is there something else you would ask of me?"

"… it's… just that…" Tucker twiddled his paws. "I was wondering if you will also use the stone to bring my precious Nina back to me…"

"Oh rest assured." Though no smile formed on her face. "The first thing I'll do is resurrect your daughter, then I'll turn all of my 'employees' into humans as promised." Tucker's world visibly brightened as he nodded once before he finally turned and left through the room.

Before further business could be discussed, a loud crash sounded from downstairs followed by a feminine scream. Both woman turned and headed down the long, spiral staircase, taking their time. When they reached the bottom, the first thing they saw was Lyra running towards Dante and jumping behind her, bending down to conceal herself behind her sensei. She hated it when her sensei's weird looking servants came barging in… tracking mud all over her clean floor. "I told him that he couldn't come in, Lady Dante, but he forced his way in."

"It's fine, dear." She turned her gaze towards the spiky-haired man loitering by the entrance, looking quite bored. To her left she saw Pride standing by the staircase with his arms folded against his back. "To what do I owe this pleasure, hmm?"

Greed jumped down from the table surface he had been occupying and took a few steps forward. "What? I'm not allowed to drop by and say hello to an old friend from time to time? I'm hurt." Yup, he was lying through his teeth. Truthfully, he had overheard talk about the real deal for a Philosopher's Stone and decided to 'investigate.'

As expected, Dante was no fool, but she was still seething about him using the word 'old' so loosely. "You came for the stone, Greed. Now I'm not in the best of moods right now and I might just choose to not allow you to have any part of this. So I suggest you stay silent." Greed scrunched up his nose, but still said nothing more. "Good. Now, apparently there is a way to create a Philosopher's Stone without the need of blood sacrifices-"

She had to be yanking his chain. "How is that possible? This is stupid." Greed crossed his arms, not looking convinced in the least.

"This here is Madame Abi, and she says that she is able to alter the ingredients for making a stone…" She gestured towards the atheist woman who was studying Greed's hair, wondering just how much hair mousse he had to use. "Am I not correct?"

Shaking her head, Abi nodded. "It's true. Such minor sorcery is child's play to me, and all you'll need is a small handful of sacrifices, not thousands. As a matter of fact…" She reached into her robe and pulled out the incomplete Philosopher's Stone, leaving Dante to wonder just when she got her hands on it. Before either of them could blink she had taken what looked to be a syringe made from the flesh of some kind of organ and had pumped it full of a deep violet liquid, causing the gooey ball to crystallize and hold a purple glow around its surface. "Red is the colour of power and purple is the colour of… infatuation, and there is no greater power than this." She offered the stone over towards Greed who accepted it while raising an eyebrow.

Dante glanced over at Greed who seemed to be considering it. "Now all I need is for someone to keep the stone safe until the sacrifices are in one area. The forest outside of this mansion will do."

Greed leered and pushed his shades further up on his nose. "So how about I _prove_ my loyalty then. Have we got ourselves a deal?"

Dante smirked. "Very well, time to put this little plot into motion. I'll send Envy and the others to ensure that everything goes according to plan." Then she had the audacity to raise her hands and clap twice.

The door flew open, the momentum from, everyone knows who, knocking it clean off its hinges. "WHAT AM I? YOUR $!#&$ BUTLER?!" The diabolic, green-haired homunculus himself then walked in, looking quite pissed off as usual. Nevertheless, he never ceased to make a grand entrance. The entrance being the echo that one of the doors made as it hit the marble floor, signalling that yet another thing in the mansion needed to be replaced due to his 'temper tantrums.'

The sour look Greed initially had disappeared as he snickered. "What's wrong, palm tree boy? Going through another mid-life crisis? Misplaced your hair gel and wood glue I bet."

"Oh gee, like I've never heard that before." Envy took on his notorious expression as he crossed his arms. "Who had the guts to say that, huh?!"

"Interesting staff you've got here, Mistress." Abi stated from Dante's side with a chuckle while they vaguely heard Greed yell back something about Envy's expressions would probably cause him to get premature wrinkles, which promptly resulted in Greed getting roundhouse kicked, then thrown through the roof into the second floor.

As more loud crashes sounded from upstairs and other random places, Pride approached Dante just as she was about to yell at them to knock it off. "A good plan, Master, but which individuals do you plan on using as the sacrifices?"

Dante looked at him for a moment before answering. "Who else? Those who covet the stone as much as we do."

"SORRY! I DON'T SPEAK JACKASS, YA FURY-COLLARED, ASSHOLE, SON OF A BITCH!"

Pride nodded. "So the Elric brothers are a good start. I'll send Colonel Roy Mustang and anyone else I can get into the area. I'll also go personally and make sure that nothing thwarts the operation."

"That will suffice. You are free to return to your post." Pride bowed and took his leave as Dante turned to her right. She blinked twice, yet she wasn't too surprised to see that Abi was nowhere to be seen. She shook her head just as Greed came crashing back down quickly followed by Envy who landed, driving his feet into Greed's gut upon impact.

"WHY DON'T YOU GO JOIN A COUNTY FAIR?! YA SKORT-WEARING, FREAK OF NATURE!"

"Enough!" Both of them quieted down since she sounded more pissed off than usual, just what was with that old crone today?

"Now…" Dante turned to Envy first. "I want _you _to head to the entrance to the forest, near the lake. Take Lust, Gluttony, Sloth, and Wrath with you." She flicked her mahogany eyes in Greed's direction. "And I want _you_ to take the stone and head to the central area of the forest and wait for your next orders. Pride will take care of the rest."

Envy grimaced, muttering something about old people and menopause before turning on his heel and leaving through the front doors without looking back, as did Greed once the elder sin was out of sight.

After a few minutes passed since everyone else had left the room, Dante swivelled to her right to face her young apprentice-maid, who was still concealing herself behind her sensei. "Lyra, dear. I want you to follow Greed. Make sure he doesn't try anything traitorous, alright?"

Lyra immediately righted herself and bowed obediently to her sensei. "Yes, Lady Dante. I won't fail you. I will follow your orders to the best of my abilities." With that, she picked up the front of her long, frilly dress and apron before bolting for the door as well.

After the girl scurried out of the mansion, Dante turned to face the window just as Lyra disappeared down the path before letting another smirk cross her aging face. This was just too perfect. With all who target the Philosopher's Stone in the same area, she would have no one left to stand her away. Same went for her 'employees,' not that she ever had any intention of keeping her word to the homunculi and that oversized chimera.

Most importantly, it went doubly for her, ironically enough, most profound homunculus. He didn't give a damn about being human, never followed orders without adding his own 'twist,' and even after four hundred years she still hadn't been able to shake him off her tail. She certainly wouldn't be sorry to see _him_ go. Then she would have the stone all to herself, use it to gain true immortality, a young and beautiful body, and could still be back in time to seize the lover's day of the year…

Too wound up in her own selfish desires, she didn't notice the presence of a familiar, old naturalist idly standing by, petting her cub with a mischievous glint in her eyes…


	2. Chapter 1: Those Unfortunate Events

The time frame is probably obvious, but this is set right after the Lab Five incident. So, just assume that Ed and Winry are both sixteen and that Al is fifteen. It's easier that way;)

**Disclaimer:** Chibi-san and company belong exclusively to Hiromu Arakawa and anyone else who legally makes money off them… now that just sounds wrong. I could not possibly own the song because it even came before my parents' time. The only OC belongs to me, as well as this plot on crack, which is definitely what I was on when I wrote this.

**Love Potion Number Nine**

_I took my troubles down to Madame Rue  
You know that gypsy with the gold-capped tooth  
She's got a_ _pad down on 34th and Vine  
Sellin' little bottles of… Love_ _Potion Number Nine…_

**Chapter 1 "Those Unfortunate Events"**

"What's this?" Ed flipped card around as his cheeks tinted pink. He knew exactly what is was, and the colour of his face darkened to match his bold red overcoat at the printed message. "_BE MY VALENTINE_?!"

Winry tilted her head to the side out of mock confusion, though the same colour crept into her pale cheeks. "Oh, come on , Ed! You know what it is. It's a Valentine's Day card!"

"That's right, Nii-san." If Al could, he would be beaming. "KITTIES! Thank you so much, Winry!" He squealed as he held his own little Valentine's card against his armour chest. It had a picture of a tabby, wearing a bright red bow around its neck with its paw lying over a pink heart-shaped pillow. "It was really nice of you to come all the way to Dublith to give us these."

Winry smiled brightly and folded her hands behind her back. "No problem, Al. Besides, no one should be alone on Valentine's Day of all days. You guys should take today off to rest and-"

"We can't." Ed cut in.

"I'm not saying _forever_, Edward. Just one day." She adjusted the bag of goodies she had in waiting over shoulder.

Ed's eyes snapped open in annoyance. "Do you realize just how much danger you're in by just knowing Al and I? So what do you do? You come all the way out here, put yourself in jeopardy, only to give us some pointless pieces of paper!"

"You GIVE those to people you CARE about on Valentine's Day!" Winry snatched the card away from him.

"Hey! Give that back!" Ed made a grab for the card. Just what was her problem today?!

"No! You don't appreciate it!" Winry walked away in a huff towards where she had already made prior arrangements to stay for awhile.

"I do too! Get back here, Winry!" Ed yelled as he stomped after her followed by Al who was still infatuated with his own card and didn't even realize he had started walking.

* * *

Somewhere on the sidelines, a certain familiar old holistic healer was crouching behind a juniper bush watching the whole account, wearing a grin that would've put Envy's to shame at the typical show of affection between two hot-headed kids in their early teens. It brought her own sense of deja'vu back to her youth… which were numbers she couldn't even count up to. 

Abi schooled her features as the two blondes, and the weird one dressed up in a hulking suit of armour disappeared down the hill. Oh, she liked those two a lot, they were simply adorable and it looked to her that they were made specifically to mate. Despite her age, Abi giggled like an eight year old who had just learned all about intercourse. However, it seemed like the shortie was the gauntlet in their relationship. Such a boy. Perhaps she could work those two into her little plan on this joyous day as well.

"Well, I think it's about time for a little… matchmaking." Abi's eyes once again danced over with mischievousness.

* * *

"Just where did you plan on staying anyway, Winry?" Ed had finally caught up and was walking next to her while Al stayed a few steps behind them for safety reasons. However, the real reason was that he was deciding on what he should name the Valentine's Day kitten, since he was sure that it was as close to the real thing as his brother would let him keep. 

"She's staying here with us." A strong feminine voice answered for her from ahead.

Winry's eyes lit up as she brought the pink plastic bag in front of her and sprinted forward. "Izumi-san!"

"SENSEI?!" Both Ed and Al froze on the spot, and snapped up straight, so much that they- or more so Ed, probably permanently threw off his centre of gravity.

Winry looked up at the older woman with admiration. She would always adore the way she could keep the brothers in line with just a look. "Hello, Izumi-san. Thanks so much for letting me stay with you." She bowed politely.

Izumi waved her hand. "There's no need for formalities. It's very nice to see you again. You were only a small child back then."

Winry nodded. "Oh! That's right!" She reached into the bag and pulled out two large heart-shaped boxes. "What's this day without chocolate? Happy Valentine's Day!"

"Aw…" Izumi took the boxes and sniffed the surface. "I just love chocolates and Sig has a sweet tooth, you know… and _maybe_ we'll let Mason have a few. Thank you, Winry-san. I wish we had gotten you something…"

Winry flailed her arms. "N-no, that's alright! You've already given me hospitality, that's enough."

Izumi softened and leaned forward to whisper in her ear. "So how has Edward been today?" Winry's eyes widened, but Izumi put a finger to her lip. "There's no secret with me, Winry-san, and I know he's just acting childish. I saw his little _performance_ earlier…" Before Winry could protest, Izumi pulled away and took a few steps over to her spoken apprentice who immediately resumed the back-breaking stance while Al sidled away completely.

Izumi smirked down at him and crossed her arms over her breasts. "You don't have much luck with women do you, Edward?" She didn't really expect an answer, since he was stiff as a board, while Al and Winry were wondering what they were talking about. "You aren't planning to manipulate her on this emotional day, are you? You know that I won't tolerate that sort of act. Especially from one of my students."

She then went forward to whisper darkly at him. "Because if you take advantage of this nice girl, I'll personally ensure that you're inable to procreate." She lifted up her fist.

Ed immediately jolted into a visible form of cardiac arrest, while screaming on the inside. He looked over at Al, wondering how well he would fair inside his armour… at least until next winter.

Izumi let out an exasperated sigh and turned back to Winry. "May I offer some advice, Winry-san? Run _far_ away from these two and don't look back. Trust me, hanging around these two is hazardous to your health." Izumi smiled down at her and Winry giggled.

Ed scoffed, but Al chuckled lightly. "Yup, she's probably right, Winry. You never know when Nii-san might trip and fall into a gofer hole-"

"AAALLLLL!!!"

Winry let a small smile grace her lips. She would always worry about them more than anything else, but she couldn't help but let it go when Al would put a positive spin on it.

She clapped her hands together. "Well, now that's settled, why don't you two give me the full tour of this town? After all, you guys were here for a long time when you were little."

Before Ed could protest while Al was fine with it, Winry had grabbed both of their hands and was now pulling them back down the street, while the hand grasping onto Ed's was also holding the fuchsia bag. Of course, she had his flesh hand which was causing the same effect on his face as it had earlier. Suddenly she halted, causing Ed to almost do a face plant. "Wait! My stuff-"

Izumi waved it off. "Don't worry about it. Your luggage is already inside. I'll unpack it in your room for you." She smiled brightly at the young woman, then storm clouds took over her persona as she glowered at her apprentices which caused them both to turn blue and Ed to almost wet himself. "Look after her."

"Y-YES, S-S-SENSEI!"

* * *

Greed stuffed his hands into his pocket as he trudged down the path toward the centre of the forest. This really was a drag, but it was the only way he could get his hands on the stone. He yawned audibly as he fingered the little, red jewel in his leather pocket. He didn't know why, but he had a feeling that today was going to be a long day. 

A _very_ long day.

* * *

"Fancy meeting you here, eh Fullmetal?" 

If Ed wasn't already pissed off enough as it was, this was certainly the icing on the cake. "COLONEL! What the hell are you doing here?!"

Mustang smirked and placed his hand in his pocket. "I was sent here by Fuhrer Bradley. You're in luck, Edward. It seems that those homunculi you spoke of have been spotted in this area."

_'Practically right under sensei's nose? How?!'_ Ed shook his head, taking a step forward. "And you actually came personally? Well, except for the lieutenant I see." He nodded over towards the oh so trigger-happy woman herself.

"My duty is escort the Colonel and act as his guard in the face of a dangerous battle, and this could potentially be just that." Hawkeye stated monotonously, as usual.

"Hey, Hawkeye-san!" Winry called out from behind Al and began making her way over to her.

Yet the older woman couldn't help but let a slight smile pass. "Good afternoon, Winry-san. It's been a long time, hasn't it?" She extended her hand towards the girl as she arrived in front of her. "But you may call me Riza."

Winry dropped her hand and once again dug around in her plastic bag and Riza looked on, her interest peaked. "Here you go!" She shoved yet another heart-shaped box into her arms.

"What is this?" Hawkeye asked.

"Just a little candy gram." Winry replied with a smile.

"What the hell? Just how much damn candy did you bring?!" She was still annoyed by Ed's earlier rudeness plus his need for a personality transplant, so she ignored him as she rolled up the bag. "Winry! I'm still talking here!" Hawkeye shook her head at his nonsense, but nodded over to her as thanks.

"By the way, where's _mine_?" Ed was there by her side, trying to grab at the bag.

"Humph." Winry turned away. "Jerk, you wouldn't like it anyway. You know chocolate has _milk _in in." That was the poisoned word.

"ACK!" Ed jumped behind the rail of a nearby restaurant, successfully knocking over a young couple's table and spilling their margaritas all over them. He watched in utter horror as Hawkeye placed one of the cursed candies in her mouth. "SICK! How can you eat that crap when a substance that goes in it is squeezed out of a cow?!"

"Hey, that's right." Mustang spoke up with a voice as rich as dark silk, ignoring Ed's rant entirely. "This is supposed to be the day when I bring in the most business." He stated seductively as he walked up to the two woman, while Hawkeye discreetly placed her hand on her gun.

"Um…" Winry blushed lightly.

"Colonel! Stay the HELL away from her!" On instinct, Ed transmuted his arm into a blade and charged at the raven-haired, skirt-chaser.

**CRACK!**

As expected, Winry's ever so trusty wrench made a perfect bulls-eye between Ed's eyes, sending him sprawling to the ground. "OW! What the hell, Winry?!"

Mustang snickered. "That had to have hurt."

Winry sighed. "Edward, why do you _always_ have to make a scene? He didn't even do anything."

Ed froze in rubbing his head and looked up at her in disbelief. "Scene?! You've got you be kidding me! You have absolutely no clue what that pervert is capable of!"

"You BAKA! Why are you always so mean to me?!"

"BECAUSE! You're slowly decreasing the number of brain cells in my HEAD!!"

"YOU STUPID, SHORT, LITTLE ASS! You DON'T deserve a Valentine!"

"_WHAT_?! WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE'D GET SQUASHED BY A VALENTINE'S BEAR WITH A GIANT RED HEART!"

"… what?"

"… … WHATEVER! I DON'T NEED ANYTHING LIKE THAT FROM YOU!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

Winry spun on her heal, smoothing her black and white outfit before marching off. Winry sighed. She had picked Valentine's Day to come here and share it with her best friends, but Ed had ruined it! Why did he have to be so rude?

"Winry!" Al called after her before turning to his brother who was otherwise facing the other way with his arms crossed and had nose pointed in the air. "Nii-san! Do something!" Ed snorted. "Oh like that's gonna do a lot of good. You're so stubborn!"

Mustang watched Winry until she was out of sight before clicking his tongue a few times. "Mark my words, oh height impaired one. Treating a lady like her with such disrespect will only come back to bite you in the ass in the near future…"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

* * *

Greed paused to stretch out lazily, aware that he wasn't alone and hadn't been for awhile now. "Come out, I know you've been following me." Lyra stepped out from behind a tree and Greed grinned. "Well? What does the little girl want?" 

Lyra narrowed her eyes. "I'm just here to make sure that you're following orders loyally to my sensei."

Greed scoffed and pulled out the red stone from his pants, tossing it into the air once before catching it. "Ya know, I could hand this over to the old prune…" He grinned, showing sharp, white teeth. "Or I could take it for myself, it is what I am, after all."

"I won't let you intervene with my sensei's plan… whatever that may be." She stated firmly.

His grin widened. "And just what do _you_ plan on doing about it, chambermaid? Attack me with your feather duster?"

Before Greed could even blink, the blue jewel around her neck glowed as she placed her hands together. "I warned you." Was all she said before an alchemic reaction fused with the particles in the air and slammed into Greed, sending him flying backwards and through a few trees.

As Lyra took off after him, both of them failed to notice that the stone had fallen from Greed's hand and now lay forgotten on the forest floor.

* * *

"But I think she was really upset with you this time. She was just trying to show you how much she cares…" Al continued on, hearing Ed mutter something about the time. 

"Well, she'll just have to learn to deal with it. Besides, she would only slow us down." Ed replied casually, standing up on his tippee toes to see over the crowd.

Al shook his head disapprovingly. _'One day you'll regret treating her this way, Nii-san.'_ He glanced over at a clock, it was about mid-afternoon. "Really though, Nii-san. You should do something nice for her. To make up for earlier." Al opted for, noting his brother's constant fidgeting.

"Shut up! I don't want to. I don't care if she's mad or not!" He snapped.

"Then why are you shaking like that?"

Ed's eyes widened as he glanced down at his flesh ligaments. Sure enough, he looked like he had a case of Parkinson's disease. Grumbling, he took a harsh step forward, walking at a quicker pace down the street while Al chuckled. "Oi! State Alchemist here. Make way!" Ed yelled dominantly, while violently pushing through the crowd.

Once they managed to reach the edge of the town, Ed instantly began whining again. "And to make this day even worse, I'm going to have to write up a report for Colonel shit for sure!"

"Nii-san!" Al gasped. The lack of respect he had for his superiors was definitely not very inspiring.

"And what the hell am I going to do about this Winry stuff? I don't know what the hell she wants! Women!" Ed stated as if he really knew what he was talking about. To him, women were uncharted territory and definitely NOT a part of his vocabulary. He huffed and rested his head on his palm, elbow leaning on a concrete railing.

"FULLMETAL!"

Quite frankly, he was getting tired of hearing that. "What the hell do you want NOW, Mustang?!"

Mustang crossed his arms over his chest, a smug look still on his face. "As long as you serve in the military, you are to take orders from me. As I stated before, the homunculi are said to be dwelling in this region, and since _you_ were the one to speak of their existence, you _will_ assist in seeing that they are properly dealt with."

"Fine!"

Mustang blinked, as did Hawkeye. "Fine?" They both asked. This had to be a first…

Al chuckled and leaned down, whispering over to them. "Nii-san's had a bad day. I think he needs to let off a little steam."

"YES, _FINE_!" Ed yelled once more, oblivious to Al's comment. "Now where the hell did the Fuhrer say those slimy bastards are supposed to be?!"

Hawkeye blinked once more, before clearing her throat. "According to the Fuhrer's report, the Homunculi's base of operations is located in the centre of the forest that surrounds this area…"

* * *

After a few minutes of following the still fuming Edward Elric, they arrived at the entrance to the forest where he could barely make out the form of another person, that was until the anonymous being turned to them. 

"Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric."

Ed jumped back and transmuted his arm into his blade. "Scar! What the hell are you doing here?!"

"The alchemist killer…" He heard Mustang mutter in the background.

"So I take it that you have heard about what those artificial creatures are up to…" Scar stated, turning back to stare straight ahead. "About the Philosopher's Stone."

"Philosopher's Stone…?" Ed breathed, lowering his weapon. Then did that mean…?

Scar smirked, not tearing his eyes away from the entrance to the forest. "It seems that we won't have time for a battle today." He stated, his eyes fixated on something. Ed followed his vision and instantly grimaced at the sight.

"HEY, EDWARD!"

He recognized that whiny, little voice. It was his sensei's kid, well, _homunculus_ kid.

Ed narrowed his eyes, lifting up his blade. There they were, the five of them in all of their annoying glory; Wrath next to Sloth, Gluttony next to Lust, and Envy perched atop a tree above the four of them. This was _not_ what he needed right now- all of them- including Scar- at once!

Too preoccupied with what was going on, not even one of them noticed the old naturalist watching with child-like glee as some of the most interesting-looking bunch gathered in one area. Likewise, no one noticed as she rose from her spot behind a weeping willow and quickly left to gather the last piece- er person- to that messed up little puzzle.


	3. Chapter 2: Change of Heart… Big Time!

I didn't keep you guys waiting for too long now, did I? Brace yourselves! Much OOCness!

**Disclaimer:** Chibi-san and company belong exclusively to Hiromu Arakawa and anyone else who legally makes money off them… now that just sounds wrong. I could not possibly own the song because it even came before my parents' time. The only OC belongs to me, as well as this plot on crack, which is definitely what I was on when I wrote this.

**Love Potion Number Nine**

_I told her that I was a flop with chicks  
I've been that way since 1956  
She looked at my palm and she made a magic sign  
She said now what you need is… Love Potion Number Nine…_

**Chapter 2 "Change of Heart… Big Time!"**

Winry huffed for what must have been the umpteenth time that day as she yanked her black jacket off with some difficulty. Which promptly ended with her shaking her arm in a frenzy. Picking the forlorn garment from the floor, she chucked it onto her bed, vaguely hearing Izumi's quiet knocks on the door followed by her asking if she was alright. After all, she had made quite the scene when she slammed the door open, causing Mason to jump out of his skin.

She knew she would snap at them right now, so Winry ignored it and flopped backwards onto her bed, glaring up at the ceiling. Why the hell did he have to ruin everything _every _time? He never used to be like that…

Winry shook her head and sat up quickly, giving herself a head rush. Regardless of all that, she wasn't going to talk to him until he lost that sour attitude she assumed was probably caused by a pole shoved up his ass 24/7.

Grunting, she jumped off the bed, slinging her black jacket over her shoulder. Next time, she was definitely going to smack him silly.

"_Ungrateful, little dork…_" She muttered under her breath as she walked past the kitchen and slipped out the front door, unnoticed by Mason, Sig, or even Izumi.

As she began walking down the street to clear her head, she inhaled deeply and immediately gagged, almost throwing up at the potency. What the hell was that smell? Some sort of incense? Winry looked up, covering her mouth and her nose with her free hand as a figure made their way straight towards her.

Abi calmly walked up to the young woman, her arms folded neatly behind her back until she arrived mere inched in front of the clearly startled girl. The old naturalist took a moment to go over the girl's appearance with a twisted smile about her. She seriously doubted that the country girl knew how lucky she was. Abi had heard of a few girls having that rare kind of beauty, but even in her like, she had never come across such a gem. She watched as the young girl's face changed to confusion as her mouth parted slightly. At first glance, she noticed that the girl brought with her a sort of homecoming feeling. To put it bluntly, a feeling that suggested life didn't suck so bad after all and that there were still a few good things to look forward to.

Yes, the whippersnapper certainly had an aura about her, something that couldn't be analyzed or found in any scientist's notebook.

And something that Mistress Dante would never understand.

Winry blinked a few times, finally adjusting to the mutant funk that seemed to permeate off the old woman. "What's your problem?" She finally asked, fed up with the woman's scrutinizing.

"What's a pretty lass such as yourself doing alone on today of all days?" Abi asked with a crooked smile.

"W-… what?" Winry stammered.

Abi chuckled and placed a finger on her chin. "Oh, I see. Having boy troubles are we?"

"What?" She repeated. "Wait… just who the hell are you?" Winry asked, still feeling slightly nauseous from the strong scents of black tea and foreign elixirs emitting off the exotic-looking old woman who only came up to about her eye level. Winry inwardly snickered, still taller than Ed…

Stupid Edward!

"Pardon me, wee miss." She cleared her throat apologetically and peered up at her. "The name's Abi, and I couldn't help but overhear your little quarrel with the golden boy earlier today, tsk tsk."

_'Damn, did the whole town hear?' _Winry grimaced. _'Probably. The ruckus he makes is likely enough to wake the dead…'_

Abi looked on as their seemed to be an epic war waging on inside of the girl. Yes boys could certainly be stupid sometimes, but she shouldn't let it get to her in such a way. There are plenty of other boys out there after all. Then again, perhaps the girl had already considered those options, but had already chosen her path, no matter how dense the boy is. How… sad. In her youth, she herself had her fair share of love and happiness. Nowadays, it seemed like the feeling of love and devotion has vanished from the future generation's mind and soul. As well as the formerly known 'physical act of love' which now seemed to be the same as a handshake and greeting.

Or to put it simply, just a plain $!#!$.

Well, not as long as she, the esteemed romance fanatic, was in town. Which of course meant that _everyone_ should rightfully be in love. "Well, miss- um."

"Winry." She replied, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Miss Winry. Tell me, are you involved with anyone? And I don't mean the short alchemist."

She did not look happy at all. Instead, she shrugged her shoulders. "I don't really have time for boys at this point."

Abi raised an eyebrow. "So… you prefer the company of… women?"

What the hell?! "NO!" Winry narrowed her eyes at the implication. The woman had to be suffering from an overdose of her own cheap perfume.

"No? Well, how about ones in hulking armour? Or perhaps tall, dark and handsome boys who have already matured into men?" Abi murmured.

Armour…? Al?! Good grief! Then again, this woman would have no idea about Al's secret. Besides, he's still like an innocent child! And what of this maturity factor? Oh she better not be implying the shirt-chasing Colonel! Even though he never acted disrespectful around her… but still! Just what was this creepy old woman suggesting?!

"Look! I just don't have time for serious relationships! I'm a career woman, not some housewife!" Winry responded sharply.

No time? Well this wouldn't do. A career woman is impressive yes, but there is ALWAYS time for a little romance. It seemed like Miss Winry was only devoted to one boy though, and it seemed selfish of her not to _assist_ the boy at least for this day; that it in fact is OKAY to actually get a little joy out of life. "Well, I know if I looked half as good as you, I could retire and open a different kind of _business_."

That did it. She was about an inch away from smacking the woman upside the head when a loud crash sounded in the distance. Both of them turned around to see beams shooting out from at the entrance to the forest. Both of them remained silent as the beams seemed to melt deeper and deeper into the forest and started shooting out from between the foliage, followed by a whiny, high-pitched voice screaming bloody murder.

_'I recognize that voice…'_ Winry thought to herself. _'It sounds like Izumi-san's… wait, Ed and Al!'_

"Looks like alchemy." She heard Abi state nonchalantly from behind her.

_'She's right…'_ Unconsciously, Winry took a couple steps forward and before she knew it, started running towards the commotion.

* * *

"COME OUT, YOU COWARDS!" Ed yelled as he and the others, including Scar, took a few more steps forward, perfectly poised for battle. 

"You'll have to catch us first!" Wrath sung, poking his head out from behind a tree.

"Wrath, that's not sticking to the plan." Sloth calmly placed a hand on Wrath's shoulder and gently pulled him back. She took a few steps forward, dragging her long, deep purple dress behind her. "Hello, my dear sons. Your mother misses you."

While Al was in a trance at the sight of Sloth, Ed shook his head and focused across the clearing at Lust and Gluttony. That was until Envy came up from behind and took him down a peg by slamming a knee into his gut. He rocked forward, losing his balance and fell to the ground. "Well, well. If it isn't the Fullmetal pipsqueak again." Envy tossed his hair back, a slow, cruel smile curling his mouth as he stomped down on Ed's flesh hand causing him to cry out. "What brings you here?"

A feral grin crept across Ed's face. "Actually I was hoping to find you all here. You have something I want."

"Is that so?" A low, throaty voice asked him. "And what might that be?"

"Don't play dumb with me!" Ed yelled. "I know you mutilated creatures are planning something!"

"Hee hee, can I have them, Lust? Can I eat all of them?" Gluttony asked, rubbing his chubby hands together.

"Now, now, Gluttony." Lust responded in her voice silken with honey. "Remember what happened last time when you ate that much?"

"Pfft." Envy placed his hands on his hips. "Threw up all over the $#!$# place! The old woman practically shit a brick."

"Language! There is a child present!" Sloth raised her voice slightly.

Envy snorted. "Feh, whatever. You know, you're really starting to piss me off, Sloth. You can't tell me what to do!"

"Don't you mean… _you're not_ _the boss of me!_" Wrath mocked, likely shortening his life by a hundred years.

Turning her attention back to Ed, Lust folded her arms, giving him a placid smile. "You know very well that all we need in order to create a stone is _you_." Her voice carried a hint of laugh to it as she finished.

"Liar." Scar launched an attack at Envy, who as usual was too quick and handsprung backwards towards the other homunculi, and took his original pose on a nearby tree. "Why else would you continue to lead us deeper into this forest. Your tactics are painfully obvious." Scar finished, reaching into his pocket.

Lust faltered for a moment from the presence of the one before her. "Then why did you come?" She asked oddly.

"I have my reasons." Scar pulled his hand out and opened his palm, revealing a locket with a blue stone. "Namely the Philosopher's Stone."

The female homunculus took a few steps back, strangely recognizing the pendant. Her eyes widened absurdly as her body swayed momentarily before falling towards the ground. "Lust? What's wrong?" Gluttony asked, catching her stiff form before she hit head first. "Lust?" He shook her a few times before screaming. "MY LUST! HOW DARE YOU HURT MY PRECIOUS LUST!"

Sloth's mouth gracefully folded into a frown. "Well, _your_ mother certainly didn't teach you how to treat a lady. Unlike _my_ boys." She flicked her eyes towards the Elrics and Al gasped. With that, she took a few running steps forward, causing _everyone _to wonder how she could run in that thing.

Not wasting any time, Envy leaped forward, once again targeting Ed and kicked him square in the face. "Nii-san!" Al yelled as he rushed to his side, only to be attacked head on by Wrath. Ed stumbled back a few steps before falling forward, but this time caught himself, using the momentum to push himself up and launch a counterattack on a clearly surprised Envy.

"You hurt my Lust." An all too familiar voice sung evilly. "I'm going to hurt you." The rotund creature took a few steps forward, a pair of huge hands flexing in promise.

As he charged towards Scar, Hawkeye pulled out her gun and nailed him point blank in the eyes. Gluttony fell over and remained that way for a few minutes before the orbs missing in his empty eye sockets reformed and he sat up, salivating all over the damn place again.

Before he could retaliate though, Mustang snapped his fingers and set Gluttony ablaze. Promptly causing him to temporarily forget that fire couldn't actually hurt a homunculus, and on instinct ran around in tight circles screaming. "I'M BURNING! I'M BURNING!" Until Sloth liquefied her arm and sloshed it over him.

Meanwhile out of desperation, Lust leapt to her feet and rushed towards Scar and slashed at him with her dagger-like fingernails. Determined to get the necklace away from him, she extended her fingers, momentarily catching him off guard enough to knock it out of his hands, causing her to screech and grip onto her head until the necklace landed a safe distance away from her. "Why… won't… you… strike back?" She asked him through the rush of a pounding headache. Scar remained nonchalant, those same red eyes that made her question her own motives burning a hole through her.

"ENVY!" Ed ducked just in time as Envy's foot came sweeping over him.

"Not bad." Envy stated, cocking his head to the side causing his hair to shift to the side. "For a squirt that is."

Ed's core temperature rose to a dangerous level, but before he could sputter out the inevitable, Envy's foot really did collide with the side of his head while Wrath, who had been fighting nearby with Al, decided to kick it old school as Ed stumbled towards him and dropped to his hands and knees causing Ed to trip over him and fall backwards yet again onto the ground. Both sins laughed maniacally as Wrath stood over him. "Aw, did the shrimp fall down?" He asked, feigning concern as he latched onto Ed's flesh arm. "I suppose you won't be needing this." He cackled as he attempted to dislocate Ed's shoulder.

"NII-SAN!" Al cried. "Get away from him you sick homunculus!" He hoisted Wrath over his head with both hands before tossing him like a sack of potatoes across the forest. Luckily for him that was only a tenth of a second before something 'broke' his fall. That something being the almost exposed chest of Lust, which Wrath so happened to have flown face first into.

"EWW! It's all squishy… COOTIES!"

"YOU SICK, NASTY, LITTLE PERVERT! WHY DO PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE SO INNOCENT?!"

Envy snickered as he turned around to finish up with the Elrics until the recently created theory that 'homunculi actually CAN fly' was proven when someone cussed extremely loudly followed by a blast which sent a black blur into the ground near Ed's feet.

"Greed?" Al asked the person with their head imbedded in the dirt.

The spiky-haired man grumbled as he pulled his head out of the dirt and leapt to his feet. Envy laughed out loud as Greed's black shades that had already been shattered into hundreds of pieces crumbled off his face. "Those were my best shades too…" Greed muttered. "WHERE IS THAT LITTLE BITCH?! I'LL KILL HER!"

"Why, I'm right here." Lyra stated, stepping over the remains of what was once a maple tree.

"… LYRA?!" Ed and Al questioned.

Lyra's eyes widened. "Edward Elric!" She bowed quickly about five times. "H-how have you been?" She asked timidly.

"It's about time you got here…" Sloth slowly walked up to Greed, though Mustang and Hawkeye kept close watch over her. "Do you have the stone?" She lifted her awaiting hand and opened it for the red jewel.

"Yeah, yeah." Greed mumbled, slamming his hand into his pocket. His eyes widened as he jerked his head to the side, digging in with his other hand as well.

"Well? Where is it, Greed?" Lust asked.

Greed gave them all- except for Envy- a sheepish grin. "Uh… I don't know… sorry, gang."

"YOU LOST IT?!" Wrath shook a small fist at him.

"Hey! If it wasn't for that old crone's little wench attacking me I would still have it!" Greed defended himself.

Envy snickered. "You lost to a chambermaid? You really do suck ass!"

* * *

Meanwhile a short distance away, a withering index finger and thumb enclosed around the red stone on the grassy floor. "_Idiots_." She muttered before pocketing it. She turned towards the direction of sarcastic laughing and obscenities being shouted. _'The lemon blonde will be arriving soon. I must hurry up and get this 'party' started…'_ She chuckled before following the path of broken, charred trees. 

Abi crouched down behind a mulberry bush, listening to the various trash talking. She took a moment to study each member gathered in the one area. Two military personelle, the short blonde kid from earlier, who looked to like he was drowning in that red overcoat. Then she saw the presumable giant in the suit of armour, along with an Ishbalan who looked like he had a run-in with a tractor, then the maid she saw with Mistress Dante. Interesting…

Her eyes veered to the other side where she saw the playboy with the leather pants, and the punk with the wardrobe malfunction. Ah yes, palm tree head. He was the one who the Mistress said knew more than he led on. About the way homunculi function, but didn't bother telling any of them. There was also a boy who looked like he had barely finished potty-training. Then there were the two eerily white females. While one looked like she was on her way to her high school prom, the other looked like she was on her way to a burlesque house… which was better than a bordeleau, she concluded.

Still she was not interested in the others at the moment. Only the one the girl with the creamy white skin called 'Edward Elric' mattered. This was her chance. To show Mistress Dante that people could actually fall in love in a way that didn't involve a superficial way of thinking, and right now it looked like those two were the only ones who could prove that theory-

"Edward! Alphonse!"

My, what impeccable timing.

Ed, Al, as well as everyone else turned as Winry stood rooted to the spot at the clearing, beginning to rethink her idea of coming here.

"Winry! Get out of here, NOW!" Ed shouted as his pulse quickened. Al finally shook himself out of it and began jogging over to her.

"Winry-san… she could get hurt." Hawkeye whispered as Mustang arrived by her side.

Wrath blinked a few times from behind Sloth. A foreign feeling rising in his stomach at the sight of the teenage girl who took care of him, while Sloth tried to shake that _woman's_ memories out of her head.

_'The pipsqueak's girl from Yock Island.'_ Envy thought wickedly, recalling her arriving with the prick's sons in the canoe.

Out of the corner of his eye, Ed saw the evil, prodding glint in _Envy's_ eyes and instantly made the connection.

"Show time." Abi hissed to herself. She warmed the small red globe in her hands before tossing it out into the clearing. The jewel contained the substance that would make the poor boy feel and warm up to the emotion of love… except she didn't take three things into account…

The first being Greed who shouted. "The stone!"

The second being Wrath who started running backwards chiming. "I got it! I got it!"

The third being Ed's charge at Envy. "DON'T YOU DARE!!!" He screamed, arming his blade. Envy, as usual, jumped out of the way just as Wrath was still trying to catch the crimson orb… backwards and ended up plowing into Ed, sending Wrath sprawling onto the ground near Scar and Lust. What Ed DID hit however, on his way down, was the small sphere, scattering its contents through the air and down upon everyone in a glittering rain.

"Aaiiieee! Oh, no!" Abi gasped. "That little idiot has spread the remedy everywhere!"

"WINRY!" Al shouted as he reached the clearly stunned girl. "Get inside of me!" He tugged on her arm.

Winry blinked the glazed expression out of her eyes. "W-what?"

"NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! IN HERE!" Before she could complain about just how weird it was, Al had removed his helmet, getting down low to unceremoniously shove her inside before sealing his 'head' on tightly, and stood back up as the powder reached them. Everyone stood frozen in place, as the unseen rain worked its way into their internal systems.

"Oh, boy…" Abi sighed. Okay, so her little plan backfired. She had always been told not to meddle in the affairs of others, but she couldn't help herself! Discreetly, she rose to her feet and slipped out of sight, knowing the extent of her elixirs, but not knowing the full affect all of them would have. "Well… _maybe_ it will wear off. Surely, they will be fine. "

And so the old enchantress left, unmindful of the chaos she had inevitably caused…

* * *

Envy blinked, trying to clear the fog that seemed to have settled inside his head. He had actually felt… something after the pipsqueak had stupidly cracked open the stone… 

He blinked once more, and looked past the frozen bodies in front of him. Straight ahead he saw that pathetic bag of bolts that followed the midget around, just as that girl who hung around them, climbed out of his armour. That pathetically frail, yet unselfish human girl who was…

Absolutely, stunningly beautiful!

Envy's amethyst eyes danced over with uncontrollable desire that immediately reached his loins, which were oddly present. She always had that pure, attractive allure before, but now he felt himself stumble towards her.

Except… wasn't he supposed to be androgynous?

An androgynous _shape-shifter_… why, yes.

"Are you alright, Winry?" Al asked as he touched her shoulder.

"Yeah… thank you, Al." She looked around. "Where's Ed?" And why was everyone frozen like that? She and Al seemed to be alright. "Edward?" She repeated softly, but he was walking towards some foliage where she saw… a girl with straight bangs dressed up in a maid's costume. Winry felt a little hurt as well as another emotion, which just so happened to be one of the seven deadly sins.

"L-Lyra?" Ed blinked. He remembered the slightly older girl back from when he was twelve, and now here she was and something hit him; nothing else mattered but the one before him!

Lyra blinked as she gazed at the boy with the mechanical limbs. She had always adored him for his talents and wanted to be a state alchemist just like him until Lady Dante took her under her wing. Now, that feeling of admiration grew into something she hadn't had much experience with. "Ed-Edward?" Her deep purple eyes glimmered over with love.

"Lyra!" Ed embraced Dante's apprentice, who hugged him back.

Greed shook his head back and forth like a dog and looked at the newly formed couple as an odd sensation flooded his insides with a lustful look in his eyes. _'That hair, those eyes… what a bafoon I've been to ignore a rare beauty such as this!'_

Greed leapt in front of them. "GET AWAY FROM EDWARD, YOU HUSSIE!"

"W-w-w-w-what?" Lyra asked, clearly startled.

"Edward Elric is my one and only true love!" Greed gazed at him, drawn like screws to a magnet.

Ed and Lyra could only stare with eyes the size of saucers.

Gluttony rubbed the dust out of his eyes, for once forgetting about the most important person in his life as he looked around, fingering his tongue. That's when his beady eyes widened. This being was just so delectable looking he could devour them in one moursel! Except… he actually wouldn't!

((Picture Gluttony with big pink hearts in his eyes. Scary, huh?))

He had heard her name spoken before by the one who Pride targeted. He pulled himself up and hobbled his way over to his newfound love…

Hawkeye rushed through the forest. "Sir? Sir! Are you alright?" For once she didn't have the old stink eye about her.

Mustang stood with his hands on his hips. What in the blue hell just happened a moment ago? He heard Hawkeye calling him from a distance, but for some reason only one of his eyes shifted in her direction as his other one looked the other way making his eyes inhumanly do the splits.

He had admired Hawkeye's no nonsense attitude since she enrolled in the military. It gave him an arousing level of excitement, but because of the chance of it being seen as a conflict of interest and other regulations she had been off limits, but right now, he didn't really give a damn.

Now as for the other side of the equation; to what his other eye was seeing. This one carried with her an innocent beauty that gave off a carefree air about her. She was his weakness…

No, really. She was his one and only _weakness_.

Sloth slowly strutted her way over to Mister tall, dark, and handsome. "Why, hello there, _Colonel_." She smiled and ran her gloved fingers through his hair.

"Sir… I." Riza desperately wanted to kiss Roy, but she wasn't sure where his heart lay.

"None of that." Roy stated as she wrapped her arms around one of his. "It's Roy to the _both_ of you."

He smirked to himself. Roy could already see Maes giving him that disapproving look and shaking his finger at him like he was scolding a dog… wait a minute, who cares?! He had two women with their hands on him and… that was as far as his male mind took him.

"Well? What now?" Riza asked, eyeing Sloth coldly while the homunculus smiled innocently.

Roy cleared his throat. "Well, ladies. I'm not so sure how you pronounce it, but I believe it's-"

Riza's eyes widened as she felt something tugging on her uniform skirt. She looked down to see…

Gluttony?!

"Oh delicious one! Won't you allow me to have you- er- take you out for dinner?" Gluttony had his hand over his stomach, which to him was his heart.

"WHAT?!" Riza yelled angrily.

"Get away from Riza!" Roy's eyes narrowed dangerously as he ruthlessly hit Gluttony in the head several times with his fist. Gluttony staggered away, not feeling much. Finally he collapsed as he- literally _fell_ in love- onto the ground with little hearts going around his head.

"So that's the lady's name. Ah, my beloved Riza… is it because I'm fat?"

Scar took a few steps towards the woman who stood for his older brother's lover. He had been in love with the Ishbalan woman too when he was young, but this homunculus was just a fake. A stand-in is all she was… nevertheless…

Unbeknownst to her, he came up from behind and placed a hand on her shoulder just as a small figure came shooting into the area and gripped him by the arm.

"Get your hands off Lust, scarred man!" Wrath snickered. "She needs to be with someone of her own kind… besides, all women like to take care of me and give me hugs. You have no idea just how close I've come to a girl's upper half!" Who was stupid enough to call him innocent! He had girls practically drooling over his extreme cuteness.

Scar looked at him for a moment before wordlessly twisting his little arm around and proceeding to beat the tar out of him while Lust remained transfixed on a certain giant, metal someone on the other side of the clearing.

Al who like Winry had not been affected for obvious reasons looked on in amazement. Everyone was acting so weird… well, weirder than normal. Even his brother! Poor Winry…

He looked down to see her looking around with an expression that matched his thoughts exactly. Right now he wanted to take her away from this madness until he caught the glimpse of something or someone.

He swivelled his head up and gasped as he saw Envy of all people heading with a purpose in their direction. Winry must have seen him too as she began to tremble and gripped onto a part of his armour, so Al stepped in front of her.

Envy stopped short and narrowed his eyes. "Move it, tin can!" He spat. Coming between him and his beloved? He must be suicidal!

Al poised himself. "What do you want, Envy?" He asked tersely.

Envy gritted his teeth, baring sharp white teeth. "Are you deaf? I _said_ MOVE IT!" He screeched as he roughly shoved Al over onto the ground.

Winry was surprised and felt her breath hitch in her throat out of fear from being so close to one of the homunculi. Although she came up to his eye level, she unconsciously leaned backwards which let him loom over her. She recognized this creature, he was the one Ed spoke of in the hospital. This one was the shape shifter called 'Envy.' Seeing him close up made her realize that Ed's crappy drawing wasn't so inaccurate.

"Stay away from me, _Envy_." She stumbled back a few steps until Envy reached forward and steadied her with his hands around her shoulders. She risked a look into his eyes and gasped, his face was blank, but it was his eyes that struck her, and no it wasn't the brilliant colour they held for once. Winry noticed how different his eyes looked, she remembered the empty, stoic, orbs on Wrath back on Yock Island. The traditional look of the homunculi. However, now they were showing some sort of emotion that she had never seen before. It was almost scarier than a homunculi's usual façade.

"What do you want with Winry?! You psychopath!" Al pulled himself up off the ground.

"Pipe down, kid!" Envy yelled without taking his gaze away from Winry.

"No way! Get away from her!" Al charged at him with his fist ready. Surprisingly, Envy pushed Winry back gently before grabbing hold of the metal arm intended for him and swung him around in a circle before releasing him into the fray of messed up affairs.

"Al!" Winry cried as she tried running after him, but Envy possessively wrapped his arms around her, and tried to struggle out of his impenetrable grasp. "Let me go you freak! I have to help Al!" She heard Envy growl and immediately froze.

"Is that all you care about? The pipsqueak and the trash can?" He muttered through gritted teeth.

"Wha-?" Winry stammered, unnerved by his stare.

That bit of hesitation was all he needed. Reaching out, Envy grabbed her wrist and yanked her into him. She gave a sharp yelp as he leaned his head against hers, breathing in her fragrance, which was surprisingly sweet for a human. He had always been disgusted by the lot of them, all except this one. She truly was a selfless individual, this Winry Rockbell. His eyes glazed over as his previous state of mind for loathing all humans flew out the window as his hand slip down to the small of her back. In one fluid motion, he drew back and smashed his lips down onto her sweet ones, catching her completely off guard.

Winry froze on the spot, unable to think or even have the right mind to shove him off of her. She felt her stomach flip and the blood in her veins rivet at the sensations she knew she shouldn't be feeling. What was the matter with this _thing_! She managed to struggle enough to rip her lips away from his. "What do you think you're doing, you creep?!" Her face began to heat up in disgust and loathing at the audacity of this homunculus, not to mention being kissed so fiercely for the first time by… oh god…

HER FIRST KISS HAD BEEN STOLEN BY… ENVY?! Maybe hell really had frozen over!

In a panic, Winry started franticly thrashing about so she pull away from Envy's grip, but before she could, she ended up pushed against a tree with his body pressing against hers, immobilizing her on the spot. She clenched her fists together tightly and tried to twist her wrists from his grip.

With her pressed up against the tree so firmly against him, he felt something he certainly didn't expect to find in this seemingly plain human girl. He continued to hold onto her with his hard body with a boyish physique pressed against her lush one. The way she was breathing caused her generous curves to press up against his chest and caused his blood to pound heatedly against his ear drums. Sensation built and shot straight down to his groin and he closed his eyes tightly, suppressing a groan, but didn't give even an inch of space between the intense heat their bodies seemed to emit.

"Let go of me, YOU JERK!" Winry screamed and he blinked, seeming to have been startled. He then loosened his grip on her wrists and slid them down to her waist, and just as she was going to knee him in his sensitive spot, he tightened his hold there tenfold. "Ugh, GET OFF!"

"No." Was his curt response. "It's something I can't control." With that, he covered her mouth with his once more.

Envy was not about to let her move away this time, so he pulled her way from the tree and tilted her head back a little. Winry parted her lips in a gasp and he took full advantage of the opportunity and forced his tongue deep into her mouth. His tongue explored every inch, running over her teeth, before licking up to rub against hers. Envy's arm that was wrapped around her waist pulled her harder against him so that her lush body practically smashed up against him. She was so soft and warm, it was a shock to his own system.

Her first thought had been to yank on his absurdly long hair… for a guy, but frankly, she was afraid to touch it. Afraid that if she did squeeze it, something black and gooey might come oozing out.

Winry shivered as she felt his one hand resting against the small of her back, while the other was tracing delicate patterns along her upper back. She couldn't help but take a large intake of breath as she felt it move further down her body. She seriously thought that this shouldn't be a pleasing moment, but her damn teenage hormones were making her think otherwise. He shifted his body again to press more firmly against her, but that also meant that she would be exposed to _his_ typical hormonal expectations. Or rather the difference being pressed firmly against her lower stomach. Finally her mind snapped out of its daze enough to get a grip on what was right and wrong. And this certainly was NOT right! Tearing her mouth from his for a second time, she pushed herself away and leaned back against the tree as far away from him as she could. "Sick…" She panted while he just looked on with a condescending smirk. "_WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! _Stop it!" She bent down to catch her breath and ended up resorting to spitting out the taste of him.

"Fight me all you want, girl." Envy leaned down and purred into her ear, his lithe voice sending chills up her spine. "But you're _mine_ now, and I'll never let you out of my sight." Despite his trance, his grin never ceased to break out across his face.

Alright, that was enough. "Let go of me!" Winry ripped one of her arms away and finally broke fully away from him. "I don't belong to anyone!" Then her right hand came around and slapped him clean across the face.

Envy remained anchored to the spot with his head still tilted as Winry froze in fear of what she had just done.

The sin twisted back to face her and she jumped back even further from him. He actually looked surprised and a little hurt, with his palm placed on his cheek. "Now, why did you do that, _Winry_?"

Winry fell on her side. Oh, yeah, she probably got hit in the head sometime and woke up in an upside-down world. She had a feeling she wasn't even in Amestris anymore. Wait a minute…

How did he know her name?

Before she could yell that very question, she glanced up briefly to see him once again mere inches in front of her before he unceremoniously started dragging her along with him down the path she'd originally come from. "Hey! That HURTS, you know!"

"Let's go somewhere less… crowded." He smirked as he pulled her in front, picking her up under the crook of her knees with his arm wrapped around the small of her back and sprinted down the path.

Yes, it certainly was going to be a _very_ long day.


	4. Chapter 3: It's Love At First Sight!

Oh my, but this is getting so fun! Do _not_ take this seriously, I mean it! The characters had better run _far_ away from me, I've got a lot of evil stuff in store for them. Oh kami, help them all. The OOC scale has definitely shot through the roof on this one…

**Disclaimer:** Chibi-san and company belong exclusively to Hiromu Arakawa and anyone else who legally makes money off them… now that just sounds wrong. I could not possibly own the song because it even came before my parents' time. The only OC belongs to me, as well as this plot on crack, which is definitely what I was on when I wrote this.

**Love Potion Number Nine**

_She bent down and turned around and gave me a wink  
She said "I'm gonna make it up right here in the sink"  
It smelled like turpentine, it looked like Indian ink  
I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink…_

**Chapter 3 "It's Love At First Sight!"**

The creaking of metal could be heard as Al tried to flip himself over like an overturned tortoise. Yup, he had fallen and he couldn't get up.

The sun was just beginning to set so the area held a very slight orange tint to it. Al sighed as the glimmer of… whatever it was, still hung in the area. He listened to the various, bizarre shouts around him since after Envy threw him, his helmet rolled away and was now lying with its eyes facing the ground.

That was until the sensation of someone screwing his 'head' back on, startled him. "Nii-san?" He asked and he heard the person chuckle. He turned his head to the side to see a wavy silhouette hovering above him. He gasped and finally sat upright when he realized just who it was.

No, it certainly wasn't his brother.

Not by a long shot.

"Hello, _Alphonse_." Lust smiled brightly and sweetly at him before opening her eyes to reveal her pink-violet eyes that were practically melting over with happiness and… her sin. "Or is it Mister tall, metal and shiny?" She cooed.

Al just stared at her in confusion. "Um, no… it's still Alphonse." Where did that come from? The last thing he remembered was his brother acting rash as usual and smashed open some weird red jewel. Was it a Philosopher's Stone? That couldn't be, the genuine stone can't break. Then of course everyone started acting weird… to say the least. Then Winry… wait…

Winry!

Al looked past Lust to the entrance of the clearing and found it to be empty. Then that meant Envy had… and with everyone acting like this… oh god.

Lust scrunched up her eyebrows and looked about ready to pour her eyes out. "Are you really that naïve?" She lifted one of his giant hands from underneath and placed her other hand on top. "Why do you think I've been following you and your brother around? Don't you see? I LOVE YOU, ALPHONSE ELRIC!"

"… … … WWHHHAAAAATT?!?!" And just like that, all thoughts of logic and natural order came to a screeching halt in Al's mind.

"ALPHONSE?!" "THE TIN CAN?!" He heard two very different voices shout in anger from behind.

Both Al and Lust swivelled their heads around to see Scar and Wrath standing a few feet away looking none too happy. Scar was covered in little scratches all along his arms, while Wrath on the other hand, looked horribly mangled and twisted beyond recognition. That was until a moment passed and his body healed over and he was actually able to stand.

"Uh…" Al finally pulled himself onto his feet.

"That's right!" Lust got up off her knees as well and gripped onto Al's metal arm. "_He_ is my choice. Alphonse is the one who has run off with my heart like a thief in the night!" She declared as she lay her head on his arm.

"The hunk of steel?" Scar stated in disbelief.

"Hunk is right." Lust cooed as she traced delicate patterns along Al's chest plate.

"Um…" Al stuttered. _'Who are you people?!'_

"The one who struts around in nothing but a loin cloth?" Wrath's mouth fell agape.

Lust shrugged. "It doesn't bother me." She nuzzled her head against his arm. "Right, Al? Uh… Al?"

"Ah!" By this point against all odds Al's eyes had become bulbous. "Well, I…" Lust was looking at him worriedly while Scar and Wrath were staring him down murderously. "GOTTA GO!" He squealed as he tore himself away and bolted.

"AL! Don't leave me!" Lust called, holding her hands over her heart.

Scar and Wrath watched him go for a moment. "Hey…" Wrath started.

"What?" Was Scar's gruff response.

"Well… we both want the same thing…" Wrath continued, clueless about how to word his thoughts.

Scar smirked. "So what you're trying to suggest is that we combine forces. Is that correct?"

Wrath glanced up at him, a wicked glint in his eyes. Scar wordlessly extended his hand and Wrath shook his thumb since that was all he could get a firm grip on. Then they both ran past Lust and tore after the fleeing suit of armour to open up a can of whoop ass.

Lust stood there with her arms extended out like a lost puppy before chasing after all of them shouting. "ALPHONSE! Come back! Wait for me, my DEAREST!"

In the same clearing, a much different scenario was going on…

"WHAT?!" Ed and Lyra shouted in disbelief.

Greed sighed dreamily and lightly swayed on his heel. "I have always loved Edward Elric. He's SO beautiful and perfect, and he's got the nicest _ass_-"

"Aiee!" Ed squeaked as his hands came around to cover his behind from certain prying eyes.

Lyra jumped in front of Ed, opening her arms wide in a shielding stance. "YOOUUU PERVERT! What are you? Some kind of pedophile?!"

Greed placed his hands on his chest. "My heart does not know such crude words, but I know who it yearns for." He clicked his tongue a few times in Ed's direction.

"Ewwwwww." Ed hid himself further behind Lyra which was quite easy. Being shorter than her and all. "What is your problem, sicky? I'M STRAIGHT!" He gripped onto the side of Lyra's arms and peered out. "Why do you think I practically drape myself in leather?! What girl CAN'T resist LEATHER?!"

"Certainly not me." Lyra tilted her head back and sighed.

"That's right, my precious." Ed rubbed his face against Lyra's shoulder since that was all he could reach.

Greed looked about ready to blow a gasket. "I'll teach you the consequences of messing with MY man, you JEZEBEL!" And with that he made a beeline for them.

"Eeek!" Lyra shrieked as she grabbed Ed's flesh hand and they both tore into the forest with Greed hot on their heels.

"COME BACK! EDO-KUNNNNNNN!!"

Mustang was quite enjoying himself as expected. He looked back and forth between the two woman giving him loving, infatuated looks- except for Sloth temporarily, who was momentarily distracted by a passing moth- which was fine by him. Riza was still shooting Sloth glares, but he figured she would get over it soon enough. Then they could REALLY get down to business.

Mustang grinned madly at his own lecherous thoughts. He didn't think things could get any better, but they sure as hell could get worse when-

"RIZA-CHAN!"

Mustang grimaced. Too good to be true, he reasoned.

Riza jumped as Gluttony once again latched onto her uniform skirt. "OHHH, you're so _prettyful_." He stated, drooling all over the place and completely messing up the words.

"GROSS! It's salivating all over me!" She gagged and slammed her elbow into his skull.

"I thought I TOLD you not to touch Riza! You vile tub of LARD!" Roy shouted as he smacked Gluttony in the head twice with his fist for good measure.

"But-but-but…" Gluttony fell back onto his behind. "I saw her, I saw her…" Then he took on the usual look he got before visiting his version of a buffet. "RIZA-CHAN'S MINE! Whatever Gluttony wants is whatever Gluttony gets." He licked his chops as he bared his teeth.

Roy looked more than just a little disgusted. "All you want to do is eat her! And you eat… everything!"

Gluttony made a face. "Nuh uh, I wouldn't eat YOU. You're probably all tough and grisly." He turned to Riza who immediately soured. "You on the other hand would be so sweet and delicious. And I'll keep you right next to my heart for all eternity!" He beamed while patting his enormous belly.

Riza shuddered while Sloth was giggling wildly on the side. "I think they would make the perfect couple. Don't you think so, Roy dear?" She walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his torso from behind.

Gluttony smiled abnormally. "RIGHT! RIZA-CHANNNN!!" He hollered as he began chasing after her. Riza yelped and also took off in the opposite direction, completely forgetting that there was a time only awhile ago when she wouldn't have tolerated this.

"STOP! KEEP YOUR GRUBBY HANDS AWAY FROM HER!" Roy yelled as he untangled himself from Sloth and chased after them dragging Sloth by the hand behind him. She almost tripped a few times before she picked up the end of her gown and sighing. This was NOT what she wanted to be _doing_ right now.

And of course, just a couple miles away…

"EYYAAA!" Winry shrieked as Envy began picking up speed. "Put me DOWN! Where are we going?!"

"Not to worry, Winry-san!" Envy sang. "Fear not! I will never let anything happen to you!"

"Yeah, right!" Winry shouted over the rustling of the branches he was whipping through. "You're probably going to take me back to… wherever you homunculi reside!"

"Feh…" Envy looked disgusted. "That place is hell on Shamballa. I'm taking you someplace better."

Winry looked at him oddly before glancing ahead at what looked like the edge of… a cliff… "STOOOP! Take me back right now, you freak!" Except by now it was too late. They were both approaching the cliff at an alarming rate and Envy who seemed to be knowing exactly what he was doing, tightened his grip on her. "ARE YOU CRAZY?!" She started wildly squirming around.

"Not totally…" He smirked. "Hang on tight!" He warned before jumping right off the edge!

"Eeeeek!" She looked down to see a ledge a little ways down, assuming that was what he was aiming for. "YOU'RE INSANE! YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT!"

"Pfft." Envy flipped her of the eyes. "I've done this a thousand times before. This jump is child's play to me."

"NOOO! WE'RE GONNA FALL! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" She shrieked, but Envy didn't seem to be paying attention. He was too busy casually bobbing his head with a blissful smile on his face while humming something that sounded a lot like _Heat of the Moment_. Until he actually reached the other side and dug his heels deep into the rocky wall, while Winry was still screaming her lungs out until he slowed them down to a stop.

She was quivering uncontrollably, but he couldn't see her face because sometime during their little descent she had twisted her body around and now had a death grip on him while her chin rested on his shoulder. "Winry?" He asked, but she didn't budge an inch. On the spot, he shifted her around to his front so he could use his other hand to grip the rocks in front.

On the inside, Winry was absolutely livid because of the certain _area_ their bodies were touching, but right now she was frozen on the spot from the sight of the abyss. She was startled when he felt him bend and start to jump up the wall quite easily. Then again, he was a homunculus.

He reached the top within minutes and set down on the grassy floor once more. "There!" He grinned. "That wasn't so bad, now was it?"

"Please… please let me down…" He heard her strangled voice. His eyes widened and he immediately set her down. She stumbled a bit from the feeling of rubber in her legs, but she quickly straightened her posture before he got all weird again. "You take me back RIGHT NOW, Envy!" Nevertheless, she always had the strength to talk back to anybody.

He looked surprised once more. "Why would I do that, Winry?"

Her eyes widened. What was the matter with HIM? With EVERYONE really! She had never seen or even heard of a homunculus being so… expressive before.

"Because-because…" She felt herself shiver under the intensity of his gaze. "Because it's wrong!"

"Hmm? It doesn't seem wrong to me." He cocked his head to the side as he took a step forward and carefully slipped his arm around her waist.

"It-um-uh…" Winry felt her knees weaken as he continued to stare into her eyes. "I… I'M REALLY THIRSTY!" She blurted out.

"Oh?" Envy raised an eyebrow, before grinning like a fool. "Then I'll get you something. I think I saw a stream a little ways back." He waved at her as he jumped over a bush and entered the sea of trees.

Winry waited quietly until he was long out of sight. Now was her only chance.

Without a second thought, Winry took off towards a bridge she had noticed during her little 'joy ride,' though she wasn't surprised that he had taken the suicidal approach. It took her only a few minutes to reach the other side, feeling like she was running for her life, until she finally reached the path that she had taken to get there in the first place.

She tore down the path nearly stumbling a few times while the only thing she could hear was her own ragged breathing. She felt a rush of relief wash over her as she saw the town of Dublith come into sight. _'Izumi, Izumi.'_ Her mind chanted, knowing it would be comforting to see the older woman after all this.

And to tell her about what was happening to her students, because right now, Winry had no idea what to do for her friends, Colonel Mustang, or Riza-san.

Meanwhile, Envy was just coming back to where he _thought_ Winry would still be. He held an umbrella leaf filled with water from said nearby creak in his arms. "Sorry it took so long, Winry. But that first stream was kinda disturbing." He looked up and was startled to see her nowhere in sight. "Winry?" He took a few more steps into the clearing and looked around until the reality sunk in that she really had left…

The leaf fell from his hands, sloshing its contents out onto the grass. "WWIIINNNNRRRYYYYYYYYYY!!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs as he slammed his fists repeatedly into the ground in an all out 'emo' state. "WHHHHYYYY? IS IT BECAUSE… IS IT BECAUSE OF MY CLOTHES?! WINRY! I CAN CHAAANGEEE!!!"

By now his famous tendency to throw tantrums had formed a crater around him. He fell onto his knees while still punching the ground and screeching a certain person's name over and over, causing a flock of innocent birds nearby to clear the area.

Winry squeaked because she could even hear him as she finally reached the entrance to the town. By now the sun had almost completely set and the whole area was engulfed in a burnt orange. As she rushed by a crowd that was gathered by the entrance, looking up at the mountain towards the forest. She overheard a few of them ask. "Who's Winry?" While a few others who were mostly hearing the rumbling were musing that there were no active volcanoes in the area.

She breathed a sigh of relief as she arrived at Izumi's home and quietly pushed the door open as not to scare the hell out of poor Mason this time. She noticed the three of them at the table eating dinner, so she decided not to disturb them and instead went up to her room.

She closed the door silently and immediately shuddered while clawing at herself. She had been much too close to that potentially walking social disease and all she wanted to do right now was take a hot shower. Huffing, she pulled out what she would need from the drawer and left for the bathroom.

Fifteen minutes later, she returned dressed up in her famous lavender jumpsuit with the jacket tied around her waist, sandals, and black tube top, using a small white towel to dry off her silky, blonde hair. After it was dry, she brushed her hair out before tying it back up into a ponytail and wrapped her strawberry coloured bandana on to complete the attire.

She sighed as she flopped back onto her bed, completely sapped of her energy. She wondered if it would be okay to take a short nap before filling Izumi in on what had happened. They were probably better off than she had just been. She stretched out her muscles than relaxed as she thought about the day's events. It was so strange. Al and her had been fine while everyone else had practically lost their heads. Then there was that weird, green-haired boy…

Winry's eyes widened as she wildly shook her head. Why couldn't she get that bizarre, grinning man out of her head?! She made a frustrated sound as she felt her skin crawl and automatically started scratching. Well, it was possible that something that looked like that _could_ have fleas!

After a moment her eyes felt heavy, and before she knew it she drifted off into a quiet sleep. Unbeknownst to her of a certain spectator who had been watching her through the window the whole time.

After he was sure she was asleep, he edged over and gently eased open the window which, luckily for him, she had absentmindedly left unlocked. He stood rooted to the spot for a moment, gazing over her sleepy form as her chest gracefully rose with each of her even breaths. The moon had just shown itself and was now illuminating her already pale skin ethereally. Quietly, he began to walk over to her without making a sound.

He sat on the edge of her bed and stayed still for a moment when she moaned and started shifting. Perhaps she was having a nightmare? He snickered to himself. She certainly would be if she awoke and saw _his_ shadow. Which looked like a giant spider. When she finally quieted down, he reached over and ran his fingers through her soft locks, letting them caress his tips before getting up on one knee and hovering over her. His face was so close their noses were practically touching…

Izumi reached the top of the stairs carrying a tray of food in hand. To her knowledge, Winry had been in her room all day and was worried that she was famished by now. She knocked on the door a few times, but received no response. Assuming maybe she had fallen asleep, she hesitantly placed her hand on the doorknob and pushed it open. "Winry-san? May I come in?" She stood in the doorway for a moment and blinked a few times.

Her bed was empty and so was the room.

Placing the tray onto the nightstand, she noticed the wind blowing in through the open window, ruffling the curtains. She went over to close it while gazing out into the moonlight. Perhaps she had gone out to reconcile with her students? That seemed like something she would do, since they hadn't returned yet.

She frowned. Still, her keen instincts were telling her that something was amiss…

Oh, how right she was.


	5. Chapter 4: Anatomy

I'm glad you guys like this fic. It's what keeps a girl writing, you know! Yeah, some of the pairs are unbelievably disturbing, to say the least!

Let's cue the Pepe le Pew theme and see what else can come from this…

**Love Potion Number Nine**

_I didn't know if it was day or night  
I_ _started kissin'_ _everything in sight  
But when I kissed a cop down on 34th and Vine  
He broke my little bottle of… Love Potion Number Nine…_

**Chapter 4 "Anatomy"**

It was safe to say that Dante was more than a little surprised when she arrived at the clearing in the central part of the forest. She was expecting that Abi's stone had taken care of everyone permanently and that she would be able to use it for herself. So it goes without saying that she was miffed when she heard shouting coming from various parts of the area. It was also fair to say that the sight which greeted the old woman was a very _interesting_ one…

Greed was chasing Ed and Lyra around one of the trees…

"HE'S MINE! Give up, you third rate alchemist! Edo-kun loves ME!"

"He does not!" Lyra countered, gripping harder onto Ed's hand for spite.

"SIIIICCK! _Despite popular opinion_. I DON'T GO FOR GUYS!!!" Ed made a disgusted face as he dodged Greed's outstretched arms.

"Don't worry, my little golden-haired, pretty boy…" Greed purred. "I can change your mind! I have certain… attributes which are quite impressive if I do say so myself!" He smirked and pointed to himself proudly.

"EEEWWWWWWW." Ed shrieked as he ran even faster, practically dragging Lyra along on the ground.

Dante turned and then thought she was really seeing things when she saw the woman, who always followed Colonel Mustang, being serenaded to by her own stumpy and abnormally obese 'employee.' What made the singing worse was that the gluttonous mass could NOT sing worth a sen and that he was doing so at the top of his lungs.

Riza was running away from the rotund homunculus, which only increased his persistence. However, every other step the creature took, Mustang would bop him hard on his bald, hard as granite skull with his fist, complaining every so often that he thought he broke his fingers. In other words, he was whining like a baby because Gluttony wouldn't leave him and his newly acquired women alone. Sloth was sitting down on the grass looking quite bored. She sighed as she picked at the pedals of a white lily muttering 'he loves me, he loves me not.'

Riza came to a screeching halt when Gluttony plummeted in front of her and latched onto her arm.

**BONK!** Was her open hand punch.

"Riza-chan, mmmmyyyyy loooooooove is…"

**BONK!**

"YUUUCCKKK!" Riza swiped at the invisible germs. "He touched my coat!"

"Feeeeelings… whoa… whoa… feeeeelings…"

**BONK! BONK!** Was Roy's answer.

"Riza's mine! You ugly, troglodyte!"

"She's Gluttony's, you stinky human! Once Riza-chan goes to Gluttony, she'll never go back!"

"OH GODDDD!" Riza shuddered.

Dante raised both of her eyebrows, which had almost fined to non-existence, and tightened her hold on her shawl. She turned her head when she heard a hollowed squeal followed by clanging in the bushes to her right. Then the prodigy's younger brother came shooting out of from the sea of trees. She had no idea that it was possible for a suit of armour to run so fast. However, two more figures were steadily gaining on him; another one of her homunculi and the Ishbalan they were _supposed_ to be targeting. Then a few feet behind, Lust was hollering at them to stop.

"ALPHONSE!!" Scar yelled.

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

He growled. "You are but a child!" Wrath gave him a dirty look, but Scar ignored it. "I thought you were better than that! Why would you engage in something so utterly unnatural?!"

"I DON'T! You don't seem to understand. I CAN'T do anything!" Al tried his damn hardest to reason. Did EVERYONE get smacked in the head today?

"GET BACK HERE, LITTER BOX!!" Wrath then sprung forward and took a flying leap, managing to land on Al's head, spread out like a lizard.

"LEAVE MY KITTIES OUT OF THIS!" Al grabbed hold of Wrath's legs without slowing his jolt and yanked hard, causing Wrath to lose his balance and slip down to the armour's waist. Where the only thing keeping him from falling to the ground was Al's loincloth. That was until the cloth gave and Wrath went tumbling to the ground pulling the whole 'attire' with him.

"EEP!" Lust squeaked as she abruptly stopped. She started giggling while covering her eyes as she blushed. Just what was it she expected to see? Well…

Wrath puffed out his cheeks in a pout while flailing his arms. "TIN CAN! BE A MAN! COME BACK HERE AND FIGHT ME!!!" He screeched while waving the shredded remnants of Al's loincloth in a frenzy.

When Lust's cheeks finally returned to normal, she started running after them again. "LUST!" Wrath called out in a childishly, sweet voice. Lust halted for a moment, giving him a side glance. Wrath's smile seemed to be too big for his face. "I landed hard, and I hurt my arm." He wailed with puppy dog eyes. Though it was the mischievousness that Lust saw. "Will you give me a hug and make it all better?"

**SMASH!**

While Lust ran off calling for her 'beloved Alphonse,' Wrath was pulling his own head out of the ground. "That's it…" Wrath grunted as he followed. "Clanky dies today."

In all the years of her life, Dante had seen some very odd things, but this was pretty damn odd. In fact, it probably topped it all. What confused her the most after the initial shock had passed was why none of them were using alchemy, any weapons, and why her homunculi weren't using their individual talents. Well, they were using a few, but not to the extent of ripping each other down to their primitive organs… or bolts. It was then that she heard approaching footsteps in the grass behind her.

Dante turned her body an inch, glancing behind. Her ex-student stood a few feet away with her arms crossed and looking mortally pissed. "So… I take it that this is _your _doing, Dante?" It wasn't really a question.

"Izumi…" Dante shook her head disapprovingly. "Does this _look_ like something I'd do?" She gestured towards the figures sprinting back and forth from within the trees. Most of them wearing a putridly sweet expression. "I think that I would be more clever than this." Izumi stared her down for a moment, before wordlessly walking straight past her and out towards the chaos. "See? Even _you_ agree." Dante chuckled.

Izumi halted upon seeing the tiniest sparkle of the powder. _'It's some kind of spell…'_ She surmised while being sure to steer clear of it. Then she heard Ed shouting a colourful line of obscenities towards a spiky-haired man who actually seemed to be enjoying his choice of words. "Edward, what's going on?"

Ed turned and flashed his teacher a wide grin. "HEY, SENSEI!" He cheerfully called as he ran over, dragging Lyra along with him. "I want you to meet my beau!"

Izumi just stared at him. "What are you going on about _now_?" She let out an irritated sigh and massaged her temples.

Ed scrunched up his nose. "I'M TALKING ABOUT MY LITTLE ANGEL!" He yelled in her face.

"NO! _I'M_ HIS ANGEL!" Greed shouted from a distance.

Izumi smacked him upside the head. "DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME!"

Ed slapped her hand away. "Look, _old lady_. If you can't be happy for me then BUZZ OFF!"

"WHAT?!" She picked him up by the collar and started repeatedly slapping him on each side of his face. "WHY YOU, SNOT-NOSED, LITTLE MAGGOT! When I'm through with you, the only place you'll belong is in an ASYLUM!"

"ED!" Lyra screamed and rushed over as Izumi dropped him.

"SENSEI!" Someone called from behind the rampaging woman.

Izumi turned just as Al was running to her at a mind-boggling pace. "Alphonse-"

"HIDE ME!" He squealed as he flung himself to the ground behind her.

Izumi raised an eyebrow at the cowering suit of armour before turning her attention to the way he came. There were two more figures approaching, each polar opposite in size. There was one she didn't recognize, and the other…

Her eyes widened for a split second before she was all business, as usual. Clapping her hands, she unceremoniously slammed them onto Al's metal frame, changing him into a water cooler as Scar and Wrath rushed past. Though neither of them clued in as to why it was standing out in the middle of nowhere. Then a woman coming down the same path halted in front of her. "Have you seen my Alphonse?" She asked, panting hard. "I just know those beastly males plan to hurt my sweety pie!" She wailed.

Izumi looked at her for a moment. Very _interesting_ outfit the ghostly woman was wearing, but then again, she herself wasn't much better. "That way." She motioned in the direction Scar and Wrath just went.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you." She bowed several times before the chasing began once more.

Once Lust was out of sight, Izumi turned to Al and changed him back to his normal self. Well, as normal as he could get. "Thanks, sensei, but… what would you have done if they wanted to… well, drink me?" He quivered.

"Charged ten sens a sip." She smirked and crossed her arms. Al looked horrified, but Izumi waved it off with a chuckle. "Now… tell me what's happened here, Alphonse."

"Oh… SENSEI! It's HORRIBLE!" Al cried. "I don't know how it all started, but they're all acting so WEIRD, and I don't know what to do! Please, don't be mad at Nii-san, he doesn't even know what he's saying. They seem to be hypnotized or something. Especially the homunculi because they're being more EXPRESSIVE than any normal HUMAN! It's strange though, Winry and I were the only ones who weren't affected by… whatever the heck THIS is!"

"Winry?" Izumi looked confused. "She was with you two? I thought she was in her room…"

Al shook his head vigorously. "N-no, she came up here looking for us. T-then, one of the homunculi took her away!"

"You two can't even look after her for a few hours? And not even Edward has noticed that she has been missing?" Izumi narrowed her navy eyes at the antics laid out in front of her.

"NO!" Al cried. "I tried to stop him, but he smashed me up pretty good." He gestured to the giant dent in his chest plate. "A-and then… h-he KISSED HER! Well, more forced himself on her!"

"Homunculi don't have feelings…" Izumi furrowed her brow. "Then everyone must be under a spell."

"Sensei, maybe you could use alchemy or something-"

"No, I don't think brute strength will work this time, Alphonse. It wouldn't serve to knock any sense into them, because this…" She extended her hand towards the frolicking bunch. "They are in love."

Al made a disturbed sound as he watched everyone running around like idiots. "I don't care if I ever have the chance. If this is love, I don't want it!"

Izumi smirked. "Alphonse, you have a lot to learn. There are different forms of love. You already have it in the way that Edward and Winry love you, as you love them."

"But they're chasing each other around like they want to… um, well…"

"Mate?" Izumi offered for him. "For a classier term."

"Well, uh yeah. Something like that, but…" He shifted uncomfortably. "I do know that people do… _that_ to make babies…" He just couldn't seem to shut his trap. "And I think homunculi are capable of reproduction. The only thing most of them can't do is age, and all of them don't have a soul, but…"

Izumi looked very amused at the moment. "I would be very interested to know how that woman chasing after you would make it work."

"AH!" Al stiffened. "Um-um-um… AND I don't see Greed or Gluttony having kids with-"

"That's enough, Alphonse." Izumi scolded. Some trains of thoughts were just too terrible, not to mention incredibly disturbing to imagine.

"So… what do we do now, sensei?" Al asked.

Izumi was dead silent, for a few minutes at that. In all of her years of experience as an extraordinary alchemist, a teacher, and through all the trials she had encountered in her career, this was in a league unto itself. And for once, not even _she_ had all the answers. "Sensei?" Al tried again.

"… we may have to wait until this all blows over. _If_ it actually wears off." She frowned. Oh how she _loathed_ to have to sit around and wait.

Al panicked. "But what about Winry?! She's been gone for almost three hours now! Who knows what that homunculus will-"

"I don't think he'll hurt Winry." She gestured to the group. "If he's affected like everyone else that is."

"I hope you're right, sensei." Al sighed as he looked on. _'I'm more worried about what he may or may not be DOING with her…'_ He glanced back at the spot she had been. _'Winry…'_

Winry sneezed as she began to stir in her sleep. She reached out to grip the soft sheets of her bed, but ended up grasping a handful of grass. _'What the…' _She stretched out as she partially opened her liquid, sapphire eyes. When realization hit her, she jolted and pushed herself up. The first thing she noticed was that she had been lying on a section of deep grass with a few lavenders sprouting here and there. The sound of trees rustling in the icy breeze at that time of year caught her attention, more because she couldn't feel it. Her eyes drifted to the side and focused in on the culprit situated a mere two feet away with his back facing her.

She immediately soured at the sight he made. "WHAT DID YOU DO, ENVY?! How many times do I have to tell you to GET LOST!" He seemed to flinch slightly at the last part, but she really didn't give a damn. Couldn't this guy take a hint already?

Winry then raised an eyebrow at how unbelievably quiet he was being. _'Well, this is new.'_ She mused to herself as she looked over his still form with his wired-for-sound hair blowing in a very predictable rhythm, given its shape. She inwardly chuckled. _'What do you know? It moves.' _He was sitting with one of his legs crossed as the other was propped up with his arm draped over it. But there was something else…

Her eyes widened. _'Oh, my god! Call the press! Freak boy is actually NOT dressed like a METRO!' _It was true. Instead of the usual attire that left practically nothing to the imagination, he was done up in a snazzy black button up shirt with long sleeves, and matching black slacks… okay.

"…" He finally said something, breaking the 'silent treatment.' But she had to strain to hear him.

"What was that?" She asked.

"You left…" He said quietly, still with his back to her.

Winry raised a delicate brow. "Well, no kidding. Why wouldn't I?" He didn't respond, and kept tranquilly staring out into the distance. Slightly curious, she got up on her hands and knees and, as quietly as she could, crawled forward by his side to get a better look at his face. "So… why did you change your clothes?" She finally asked.

"… isn't that the reason why you don't like me?" His eyes shifted in her direction, and she immediately stiffened. His eyes actually looked desolate. Not a very good look for him.

She shook herself out of it. "Well, that's only one in about a thousand." She glanced back at him. "Ya know, it's not exactly normal for a straight guy to dress like that." She stated with a hint of humour in her voice. "You're certainly unique. I'll give you that much."

"I'm trying to make a statement!" He snapped, then shrunk back when he realized who he had just yelled at.

"Oh? And what's that?" She smirked at him. "Queer and queerer?"

"WHAT? Which stupid, idiot ever said _that_?!"

Winry frowned and looked away. She knew just what to label _him_ as, and she sympathized with any girl this monster, most likely hailing all the way from Pandemonium, had come across.

Right now he was staring a hole through her before scoffing. "Oh gee, I forgot. You're infatuated with your _precious_ _Edward_." He gripped onto his neck and pretended to gag.

She raised an eyebrow at his childish behaviour. "And… that bothers you?" She asked, feigning incompetence.

Envy crossed his arms and looked away, sticking his nose up in the air. "That's got nothin' to do with it."

She sweat dropped_. 'Oh, please. A five year old would act more mature than him.'_ Winry sighed in exasperation. _'Might as well humour him, and maybe he'll shut up already.' _She thought as she pulled herself up off her knees to seat herself next to him, oblivious to when he shifted slightly so their shoulders were touching. He was still staring off into space, so she decided to finally see what was so fascinating.

Her eyes widened as she breathed out in amazement. It was a secluded area surrounded by trees with a lake at the centre of the clearing. The night had now set in by this point and the stars were starting to materialize in the indigo horizon. The moonlight was shining down on the crystal clear waters, making them glitter more brilliantly as the dark blue waves lightly danced with the cold breeze. How this demonic boy ever came across a place like this, she would probably never know. Maybe she didn't _want_ to know. "Wow. It's beautiful here." She stated without really thinking about it or who she was saying it to. He didn't say anything, but in her peripheral vision, she saw him stiffly nod his head.

Winry glanced over at him again, and found her eyes wondering over his unnatural attire. Envy who had looking at her through the corner of his eye, immediately pouted and looked at himself. He didn't think he looked so bad. "I'll change if it looks _that_ awful." He muttered, slightly irked with Winry's expression.

Winry blinked, finally realizing what Envy had said, and hastily waved her arms about. "N-no, it's fine. I'm just not used to seeing you in trousers. You look hot." Her eyes widened in the realization of what she had just blurted out, and blushed about three shades of red. "W-well, I don't care what clothes you wear, it's totally up to you…" She shook her head and forced herself to look at the ground. "What I-I mean is, I'm hot… can I get a drink or something?"

Envy's smirk widened and he moved closer to the blushing girl, if that was possible, and brushed some of her heat, soaked bangs away from her pretty face. "Oh, no. You're not getting away from me this time…" He tilted her head up, making sure Winry could see him looking her up and down. "And I agree. You are hot."

On the inside, his stomach was fluttering. She didn't care what he looked like! YIPPEEE! He thought as he morphed back into his regular clothes, and once again, she didn't care. "Come with me!" He jumped up and pulled Winry up as well, snaking his arm around her waist once again.

"Would you cool it?!" Her arms shot up to press against his chest as he leaned forward. Sheesh! Talk about speedy Gonzalez! "Could we PLEASE just sit for awhile?" Envy looked like he had just struck out, but still grabbed her by the hand, lacing his fingers with hers as he pulled her over to a fallen tree and made her sit close to him. _Too_ close!

"I… well…" Winry shivered, not quite sure if he was scaring her, or if it were those damn teenage hormones working double time from having a boy so close to her. Ed had never even come close to being this way- unless she counted the innocent little pecks, and sleepovers during their childhood.

"Hmm…?" Envy was focused upon Winry's lips. So full and so sensual, and yet so innocent.

"I- I- um…" Winry was trying to lean back as Envy pressed forward and…

"Aiiiieee!" Winry fell off the wood onto her back- with Envy right on top of her!

When she opened her eyes, she saw Envy's face above her own, his lips curved in a slight smile.

"Eeek!" Winry gasped.

"Now _this_… is an interesting position." The sin's hand was still around her waist as the other caressed her cheek. "Oh, what could happen in a situation like this, hmm?"

"Ha- aah hahaha…" Winry's face turned crimson at the implication. _'Winry, you idiot! Why aren't you screaming? Why aren't you smacking him silly? Why aren't you-'_

"Oh, _Winry_…" He rolled his head back before looking back down to grin at her. "I want to spill _every _square inch of my seed into your flowery depth."

((WOOOAH! _HELLO_!))

"Oh, damn it… SHUT UP!!" The _last_ thing she wanted to hear was him preaching about the 'fruit of his loins.' Winry tried to wiggle free from underneath him, except she made a very abrupt and sudden discovery. Although he had about four inches of height on her and he looked well-built, he still didn't look that heavy. Oh how wrong she was. Envy was very heavy, and there was no way she could move him if he didn't want to. And he certainly didn't want to be.

Envy of course, took her reaction in a _very_ different way. "Oh, don't worry, Win." He chuckled. Yes, chuckled, not snickered. "Rest assured. You'll be mucking around with a man who has the biggest-"

"OH, MY GOD! MAKE IT STOP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!" Winry covered her whole face with her arms and went about as stiff as a board. Envy chuckled again before nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck, breathing in her intoxicating fragrance.

Oh, he would change her mind. All in good time.


	6. Chapter 5: Love, Amestris Style

_BTW_, I should have said this last chapter, but you can pretty much expect _a lot _of sexual innuendo.

**Disclaimer:** Chibi-san and company belong exclusively to Hiromu Arakawa and anyone else who legally makes money off of them… now that just sounds wrong. I couldn't possibly own the song because it came even before my parents' time. The only OC belongs to me, as well as this plot on crack, which is definitely what I was on when I wrote this.

I also don't own any of the songs in this chapter…

**Love Potion Number Nine**

_I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink…_

_I didn't know if it was day or night  
I_ _started kissin'_ _everything in sight  
But when I kissed a cop down on 34th and Vine  
He broke my little bottle of Love Potion Number Nine…_

_Love Potion Number Nine  
Love Potion Number Nine  
Love Potion Number Nine_

**Chapter 5 "Love, Amestris Style!"**

Dante pursed her lips as she looked on at the mess. Right now, she was about ready to blow her stack. While she was stuck in the body of an old fossil on the most romantic day of the year, her homunculi who theoretically weren't SUPPOSED to have emotions were out there living it up. IT WASN'T FAIR! Hadn't any of them listened to a word she had told them as soon as they came on board? NO SOUL equals NO FEELINGS! What was so difficult about that?!

"How are things progressing, master?"

In frustration, she whipped around, which probably wasn't good for her Osteoporosis. Pride walked up beside her after bowing, but kept his distance. He crossed his arms behind his back. "By now those fools should be as good as dead. Has the Philosopher's Stone been completed?" Dante said nothing, but instead turned back to the clearing, clenching her fist so tightly the bones creaked.

Pride waited for a moment before following her gaze out towards the field. His good eye actually widened at the sight.

To them, it looked like Ed and Lyra were playing some sort of spy game.

Ed leaned with his back against a tree as he peered around the other side. The coast was clear. Nothing, but a small empty spot for them to get… better acquainted. Ed glanced back over his shoulder at the tree adjacent from him. Lyra raised her eyebrows expectantly. Ed grinned at her and beckoned for her to come closer. She more than willingly obliged and came flying into his arms, the momentum knocking his head into the tree.

"I'm sorry, _lover_." Her eyebrows creased in concern as she reached over and rubbed the back of his head while the other came up and affectionately brushed back his shaggy bangs.

Ed waved it off before wrapping his arms around Lyra's waist as she wrapped hers around his neck. "No harm done. Oh you could never hurt me, my little dumpling." She giggled as he Eskimo kissed her. Well, more like he had to stand on his tippee toes to reach that far.

"Oh, LOOK!" Lyra smiled as she pointed at the fireflies that now seemed to be taking over the area. She grabbed Ed's hand and pulled him over to have a better look. "It's so beautiful here!" She laughed blissfully as she spun around.

Ed placed his hands on his hips and grinned as he watched Lyra's long dress flare out quite high. Given normal circumstances, a girl done up in what seemed like a thousand layers of frilly garments would NOT be appealing to the male mind and body, but right now, he felt stupidly drunk, and that it was _his_ job as a man to see just how many layers she wore.

He slyly walked over to her, struttin' his stuff. _'Oh yeah, I'm unstoppable!' _He licked his fingers and smoothed back his hair. _'YEAH! I'm a loooove machine, gonna make sweet love to my lady friend all night long.'_ Lyra had stopped and was now looking at him with the same mischievousness. _'Yup, she wants me. I, Edward Elric am ALWAYS too sexy to resist! I'm gonna, I'm gonna-'_

Someone turned the lights on in the area… wait, what?

_'- strike out tonight.' _Ed sighed as did Lyra. Someone cackled in the background and they both stiffened. A voice they knew too well. They both swivelled their heads around to see none other than Greed standing proudly in top of a miniature… stage with lights around it that he had apparently been hiding in the dark.

"MWAHAHA!" The man with the furry collar grinned down at the confused couple.

"What are you doing?" Lyra stepped in front of Ed who quickly took to hiding behind her.

"WHAT ELSE?" Greed huffed, tapping one foot. "I'm here to win over MY Edo-kun!" He picked up a small metal box and ran his hand over the surface as if that explained everything.

Lyra raised her eyebrow. "So… you're going to show him a box?"

"Don't talk to him! He's CRAZY!" Ed dropped to his knees and gripped the back of Lyra's legs.

"NO!" Greed puffed out his cheeks before grinning like a fool as he flipped open the case and pulled out…

Lyra knitted her eyebrows. "Is that… a microphone?"

Ed trembled as he peeked out from behind Lyra's calves.

"EDO-KUNNN." Greed twiddled his fingers in Ed's direction. "I will prove my love to you once and for all even if I have to do it through a song!" He cleared his throat as some weird, zippy music started playing from only Greed knows where. "Because you see… There's no need to feel down. Pick yourself off the ground. 'Cause you're new in town, there's no need to be unhappy…

Lyra's eyes widened. "Oh…"

"No…" Ed finished, burying his face into her dress.

"Young men! There's a place you can go. I said, young men! When you're short on your dough. You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find _many ways to have a good time_."

"GAH! NO MORE!" Ed squealed and started to crawl away. This was like watching a dog get tortured!

((My sincerest apologies go to Den and Black Hayate))

"IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE-"

"Shut the hell up, Greed!" Lyra hollered.

"YYYYYMCA! It's fun to stay at the YYYYYMCA A!"

"YOOOUUUU &#$#& BASTARD! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!" Ed screamed over his shoulder. "Where are your morals?!"

"They have everything for young men to enjoy! You can hang out with all the boys!"

"TURN IT OFF!" Ed clamped his hands over his ears. "What the hell kind of music is this?! It's so preppy yet so incredibly catchy at the same time!" However, Greed was too busy getting into the gestures and moving his hips in a rather risqué way, given the time period.

"You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal. You can do whatever you feel!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! MY EARS! MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!!!" Ed screamed as he ran off into the forest.

"Ed, wait!" Lyra called, but he was long gone. She turned around as Greed hadn't even realized Ed had high-tailed it out of there. Deciding that it was time to put out that infernal racket, she removed her red hair band and flung it at him before running off to find Ed.

Greed paused right in the middle of the 'Y,' which made him look like a ballerina and ducked as the hair band went zooming passed and struck one of the light fixtures causing it to spark.

"IT'S GONNA BLOOOOOW!!" Greed yelped and jumped off the stage, covering his head.

… … …

A few minutes and still nothing. Slowly, Greed removed his hands and sat up. The lights had short-circuited, but the stage was still intact at least. Damn! He liked it when things went 'boom!'

No wait! That was his buddy, Kimblee… but, who cares? HE LOST HIS EDO-KUN AND NOW HIS WHOLE LIFE WAS THROWN INTO DISARRAY!

Huffing, he crossed his legs and arms and began to think. _Hard_.

Okay, time for _Plan B_…

Meanwhile, the others had actually stopped when Greed's 'singing' could be heard throughout almost the whole forest.

"What the hell is that?" Roy asked out loud, looking out into the distance.

"Oh! It is _horrible_." Sloth shivered and covered her ears.

Lust was looking around. "Where is my Aru-kun? He's not old enough to hear a song with these kinds of implications!"

Scar scoffed. "This is disgusting. You people listen to the strangest music."

"We do not!" Riza countered angrily. "_I_ for one have never even heard of this genre of music before! It's so upbeat, it gives me a migraine!"

"Mmmpph mmmpph." Was Gluttony's response. Which was actually supposed to be, 'that's right Riza-chan! You're such a super smart lady!' But he was still getting over the shock to the system the music caused.

"I feel all weird." Wrath piped up, looking at his hands. "Somethin' about it makes me want to dress up in crush velvet, wear sparkly-rimmed shades and shoes with big heels, and dance the night away…"

Everyone stared at him.

Wrath swallowed hard as his cheeks burned. "I mean…" He looked around at the weird looks the others were giving him. "I LIKE SHORT SHORTS!" It was scary though, he _really_ felt like moon walking, or even doing the worm!

Then, as if someone had struck them all over the back of the head with a ton of bricks, they snapped out of it and bounded to their feet.

"RIZA-CHAN!" Gluttony started as he ran at her like a wild boar.

"EW! GET LOST!" Riza stepped aside as he rushed passed and slammed right into a tree, sending it crashing to the ground, proving once and for all that he is the world's incredibly, obese, heap of flesh.

"Where is that useless, sack of nuts and bolts?!" Scar growled, looking around. "When I find him, I'm really going to mess him up!"

Lust gasped as she saw Scar run off. She just had to find her knight, even if it was the last thing she did!

Wrath was the only one left in the clearing, as everyone else, once again, took off into the forest. He smirked as he stared at a bush that was actually trembling, and hid grin widened when he saw a pair of giant metal feet at the bottom.

Al stood against a tree, trying his best to hide himself, but that of course as usual proved to be a hell of a challenge. He felt eyes on him, so he glanced around and then finally down. He gasped when he saw Wrath looking up at him with a very smug look on his face.

"Hee hee hee…" He smacked his fist into his other hand. "I'm gonna make me a compact block of Elric trash!" He took a few menacing steps forward.

_'Think fast! Think fast!'_ Then it hit him. He was just a little kid after all, still technically younger than him, and no child likes this. He could speak from experience.

Al stood up fully and faced him. "Wrath?" He asked with false sweetness. The kind of voice one would use when they were nagging a child or wanted them to do something.

He stopped short. "Whaa?" Wrath whined.

Al cocked his head. "_Wha_?" He inquired, confused.

"Wha wha?" Wrath replied mischievously, rapping on Al's armour.

Oh, for the love of… he was NOT going to stoop to-

"Wha wha wha?" Al chuckled, taking a step back from the wild card homunculus.

"Wha infinity!" Wrath giggled, wriggling his little feet. He bounced and playfully kicked Al's metal shin.

"Wha infinity plus one!" Al nodded triumphantly. "Ha!"

Wrath scrunched up his nose and fell onto his bottom, thinking for a moment while fiddling with his toes. Al waited patiently.

"Wha infinity plus infinity!" Wrath shouted suddenly. His big, purple eyes sparkling. "Double ha!"

Al shook his head in exasperation. "Yes, I suppose you win then. That seems fair."

Wrath grinned and began jumping up and down while hollering in victory. "HAHAHAAA! NO TIME FOR LOSERS 'CAUSE _I_ AM THE CHAMPION! What do you think about that, frying pan?" He received no answer. Wrath halted in mid-stride and spun around. "Hollow man?" The only living thing other than himself was an owl who seemed to be hooting directly at him… and mocking.

Wrath gave the bird the raspberry. "I'll show you! I'll turn metal boy into scraps!"

Dante shook her head as the boy ran off as well. She heard Pride clear his throat from behind her. "Oh? So the plan _backfired_ then." He stated.

"No kidding." She snorted. It was all too convenient. From her vantage point, she saw the shards of the Philosopher's Stone scattered in tiny, red shards all over the grassy floor. While an invisible, shimmering cloud seemed to be hanging around the area. She knew exactly who was responsible for this mess.

"_Abi_." She muttered. After all of the enchantress's drivel about couples being in love on Valentine's Day, it seemed fitting that she would try something like this. She turned around and began to walk away.

"So has the plan been terminated?" Pride asked her.

"There is no point in sticking around. It's back to the old plan of _manipulating Edward Elric_." She sighed as she took the uphill path back to her mansion.

Pride nodded and turned his gaze back to the field for a moment. Now what he DIDN'T expect was that the wind started to change direction and ended up blowing the remnants of the powder right at him.

((_No_! Don't do it!))

He blinked as the remedy mingled with his internal organs before coughing a few times. He looked around the area, he seemed to be fine and there didn't seem to be any toxins in the air. He was about to shrug it off and head back to the base when something caught the corner of his good eye. Curious, he walked over to what made him feel so giddy all of a sudden.

His good eye widened and his eye patch actually snapped off. He dropped down on his hands and knees as he stared longingly into a pond at an image, very much to his likeness!

"Well, _hello_ there, handsome." He gushed over as he stared down at, well… himself.

Envy sighed. Never had he felt such a feeling of… happiness before and he had no idea why. Wasn't he supposed to be nothing more than a puppet to be used however the master saw fit? An empty shell with no knowledge or ability to have human emotions? Talk about irony. The girl who was sprawled out underneath him was the cause of his happiness and he certainly wasn't going to let her go anytime soon, even though she still pushed him away every chance she got.

Still, after all the crap he and… that _boy_ who he now stood for in this world, went through and had to put up with, couldn't he have just _one_ thing that seemed to make up for it all?

He buried his face further down so it rested on her bare shoulder as she continued to squirm uncomfortably underneath him. _'Winry… you're MINE and no one else will ever have you. Especially not that stupid, ungrateful pipsqueak.'_

Or at least that was the melodratic monologue going on in Envy's turbulent mind while a very different one was going on below him.

_'ENVY! WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS, YOU'RE-!' _Winry finally managed to pull one of her arms free. He was fully sprawled out on top of her leaving absolutely no buffer zone, while her legs along with his were still partially on the tree. "Why you no good-" She froze like ice when he felt his knee smoothly move up between her legs. _'Oh no, he didn't just do that!'_

She moved her head to the side and as far away as she could from Envy's, trying to focus on anything beside the trail of moisture he had left on her neck. However, actually seeing something proved to be difficult because a few long strands of his hair had fallen forward, and like before, she was still afraid to touch it. There was always that possibility that it wasn't actually hair, but in reality, a prehistoric parasite growing out of his head.

_Yuck_.

She stiffened when she felt him lift his head and gaze down at her, searching her own for something as more strands fell forward, creating a make-shift emerald drape, which seemed to glimmer like silk in the moonlight. Except…

Must. Not. Touch. Potential toxic sludge.

"Hey, Winry. You're a mechanic right?" He grinned down at her. "You work on machines and stuff like that."

Winry nodded stiffly. _'Talk about Mister Know-it-all! Damn all these bad guys! He's probably a spy… creepy, warped-' _When she turned back, she practically jolted back from what was probably the shock of the century. He was actually blushing, and the colour darkened even more when she unintentionally locked eyes with him.

((Remember the third OVA? The chibi party… _yeah_))

"So then… why don't you smell like metal and oil and all that crap?" He asked as he reached up and undid her strawberry-coloured bandana and elastic, letting her hair down as he threaded his fingers through, bringing it forward to frame her face.

However, Winry was still fuming over his previous statement. _'CRAP?! Oh if only I had my wrench with me…' _She snatched her bandana away from him. "It's called a SHOWER, genius! You really should try one sometime!"

He wasn't really paying any attention, his eyes had drifted a few inches south of her eyes, taking _careful_ note of the way her chest jiggled. "You certainly don't look like a greasy mechanic. Actually, your scent is strange…"

"Again, shampoo and conditioner. Try it." She looked away, ignoring the fevered look in his hazy orbs. She did _not _want to know the scenarios going on in _his_ warped mind.

It wasn't that. It was her natural scent. She had a weird, exotic fragrance about her. She smelt like simple white jasmine and lavenders. His eyes wandered further down to her purple pants.

"Ah-_hem_."

He looked up in time just in time to get slapped across the other side of his face. "Whatcha do that for?!"

"Humph!" She finally yanked her other arm free and crossed them under her breasts. "_Pervert_." Now _that_ was an understatement. Envy pouted, but then got a wicked idea. He would have her yet!

While she was stubbornly staring off in the other direction. She didn't notice as his knee shifted slightly and in an instant, she felt it digging into her.

"EEEK!" Winry shoved herself away before he could get a rhythm started and scooted several feet away, pointing an accusing finger at him. "Y-Y-YOU-YOU-YOU-"

Envy sighed and sat up. Oh how he wanted to hear her beg him to stop teasing her… "Those aren't real words, Winry-chan." He stood up and folded his arms, popping his knee forward.

"YOU-YOU'RE MESSED UP!!" She jumped up and staggered a few extra feet away. She bent over, wrapping her arms around her stomach as she tried to even out her breathing. After a minute, she looked back up to see that he had disappeared. Her eyes widened, but she barely had time to register it when she felt a pair of hands cover her eyes.

"Guess who?" A sly voice asked.

_Idiot_. Who else?

"The cold, clammy hands of death?" She opted for.

He grunted then finally moved away from her. Winry breathed a sigh of relief, but when she reopened her eyes she wasn't even surprised that he was standing right in front of her, mere inches away from her face. Damn how can any person move that fast, so quietly? It wasn't humanly possible!

Oh, yeah… that homunculus factor…

"_WEEEELLLLL_…" He grinned abnormally, she was getting used to this. "Some people call me the space cowboy!"

… huh? Well, maybe it wasn't SO inaccurate…

"Then…" He placed a finger on his mouth. "Some call me the gangster of loooOve."

Hnn… where was that music coming from?

"SOME PEOPLE CALL ME MAURICE!"

_Oh_, it _wasn't_ the sound of a pig getting slaughtered. It was Envy singing.

"'Cause I SPEAK of the pompitous of loOoOoovveee!"

Really, _really_ not.

Winry nodded a few times to humour him and took a few steps back. _'Just nod and smile and maybe he'll stop.' _At the moment she was gazing longingly out at the distance, wondering what her odds of surviving the fall from that cliff were.

Although the lines of him being a grinner and a sinner weren't inaccurate either.

When she turned around, she wasn't nearly surprised again as he barely let her move an inch. "You're a cutie, ya know that?" She blushed about three shades of pink and looked away as he smirked, placing his hands on her sides and quite enjoying just how little her black top covered. "But you should feel pretty lucky too."

"… and why's that?" She risked looking over at him, even if it was against her better judgement. Especially with the way he was pulling on his… bustier? She internally sighed.

He took a few quick stapes forward, startling her into stumbling backwards into a bush. She shifted around, trying to pull herself out, but with no such luck. His grin widened as he tugged on his shirt again and started swaying his hips. "Because I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, _so_ sexy it _hurts_…"

Winry gawked at him from her seat on the branches as he clicked his tongue a few times. He really was just too much. She blinked and sank backwards as he gripped the branches below her arms and pulled himself so close his breath tickled her lips.

"And I'm a _model_, you know that I am, and I shake my-"

"AUGH!" She shook herself out of it and slapped a hand over his mouth. "Would you shut up?"

After a minute he pulled her hand away, that was AFTER he licked it. "Winryyyy." He whined. "Why don't you like me?"

Someone really needed to smack this guy upside the head. Then maybe he'd snap out of it.

"I mean look at us…" He gestured to them both and the bandana she had tossed haphazardly onto the ground. "We practically wear the same colours! The only one I'm missing is blue, and you're missing green."

_'Another_ _interesting trait for the alleged boy.'_ Winry thought while furiously wiping off her hand like there was no tomorrow. At the moment, it felt like it.

Mental note: burn green bandana to cinders.

Winry sighed. Well, where to start? The basics probably. "Well for starters. You're not nice at ALL! Ed ended up in a hospital because of what _you _and those other homunculi did to him! You could've caused him permanent damage!"

"That little _brat_ doesn't matter. I've already changed. You liked my other clothes!"

Winry's cheeks heated, but she still kept her eyes firmly locked with his. "That's not being NICE, Envy. That's just wearing some nice clothes."

"… … I don't see the difference."

Winry shook her head. "I didn't think so. It's what you are after all." She twisted on her heel, and walked away, already knowing that he would probably follow her. Maybe her little speech would make him think and be a bit more serious, maybe he would-

Nope, none of that. She had barely gotten a few feet when she felt his hand on her. Now when it said on her, it meant on her behind. Winry gritted her teeth and whirled around.

Over the short time, he learned that there were two theories to arguing with this woman. Neither were particularity successful to this point so, Envy, the delinquent homunculus, decided to stare at her in silence.

The striking human girl, with her cheeks flushed and her hair tousled, was staring right back at him. Her muscles were so tense she was actually trembling.

Envy continued gazing calmly, one eyebrow arched ever so slightly. What could she _really_ do?

An incredulous whimper rolled off Winry's lips.

Envy stared at his fingers intently.

"You… you, pervert! I've had about enough of you!" she shrieked suddenly, her eyes narrowing to furious slits.

Envy looked entirely too innocent. "Win-Win, there was just a- um- piece of grass- on your pants. You don't want stains now."

Winry balled up her little fists. A threatening scowl marred her pretty face, but she remained more or less incoherent.

Envy actually hid a grin.

Winry eyed the ground with an odd (and slightly disturbing) expression. Then, to Envy's surprise, she loosened up and shifted her eyes back to his, fiddling with the sleeve of her jacket around her waist. "I've got a proposition for you, Envy."

Envy arched his eyebrow so high it was practically caught in his headband. This was certainly going to be _interesting_.


	7. Chapter 6: That Fullmetal Musical

I know. _Juvenile_. But, in my defence, so is the show.

Progressively sillier, but the show needs it. The FMA cast needs to chill, life's too short to masquerade like a robot (a.k.a. Frank Archer).

**Tashi:** Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!

**Salina: **… yeah, something like that.

**Disclaimer:** Chibi-san and company belong exclusively to Hiromu Arakawa and anyone else who legally makes money off of them… now that just sounds wrong. I couldn't possibly own the song because it came even before my parents' time. The only OC belongs to me, as well as this plot on crack, which is definitely what I was on when I wrote this.

**Love Potion Number Nine**

**Chapter 6 "That Fullmetal Musical"**

_'Stupid, Nii-san.'_ Al thought as he saw Ed crawling along on the forest floor, but soon Lyra ran up from behind and wrapped her arms around him. Of course, he was grinning like a fool.

He was _not_ going to touch _that _scenario with a thirty foot pole.

Al peaked out from behind a tree. It seemed safe enough, but the little homunculus always seemed to be underfoot. You couldn't ever hope to kill the little worm for obvious reasons, but you couldn't even slow him down or put him out of commission for a little while. Just when you think you've squished the little pest, he keeps getting back up, even after you've smacked him a dozen times with a newspaper. He could be kicking it without his limbs and still manage to scurry around making your skin crawl…

This is just it, the current Wrath and a cockroach were the same thing.

"Come out, come out wherever you are…" Wrath sneered. He could smell that rusty old bucket for miles. "I'll turn you into metal filings and show _Lusty_ what a big boy I am."

Al tiptoed through the foliage by the clearing where the shards of that weird stone were. That was it. He was almost there.

"Hee hee hee heeeee. I can here you clicking, Elric. There's no escape!"

Must. Find. Sensei.

Al sped up as he reached the entrance to the path. Just a bit more.

Wrath turned the corner and smirked. More footsteps were coming from deep behind that line of bushes.

"FREEDOM!" Al squealed and started down the path.

"GOTCHA SUCKER!" Wrath cackled in triumph and clamped his body onto his victim's ankles…

Warm…

Wait a minute, that wasn't right.

Wrath opened his eyes a touch, just realizing that he was gripping onto fabric… wait, Al doesn't wear pants. He'd have to visit the Big and/or Tall Store along with Gluttony for that. His eyes continued up the figure until they arrived at the obstruction's face; about the time when a normal child would have wet themselves.

Scar scowled down at the quivering homunculus before reaching down and grabbing him by the hair, which surprisingly felt like seaweed. "Wrong person, _kid_." He pulled him up by the squishy mane until he was at eyelevel.

Wrath puffed out his cheeks. "GET YOUR STINKING HANDS OFF ME!" He shrieked while swatting at open air.

Scar ignored him entirely, which pissed the boy off to no end. "We have further things to discuss…" Wrath stilled. "After we melt Alphonse into cutlery, there is still the matter of Lust."

Wrath seemed to catch on since he smirked. "Well, naturally _I_ will be the one to get the _pwetty_ lady."

"You are a child who can't even pronounce words properly." He yanked on Wrath's hair resulting in him screaming over-dramatically, as usual. "And _that _is really robbing the cradle."

"SHUT UP!" Wrath smacked Scar's arm, but his grasp was impenetrable. "LUST LOVES ME! I KNOW SHE DOES! Everybody loves me because I'm SO CUTE!"

Scar said nothing, but kept his eyes glued to Wrath's as a staring contest ensued. Which Wrath abruptly lost when Scar grabbed the scruff of his shirt and threw him straight into a tree.

"YOU SON OF A-" Wrath picked himself up, but any redeeming moment he might have had was lost since, from the impact, his head was now jarred the wrong way. He growled even louder as he twisted his head back the right way, making disturbing snaps in his neck. Good thing he was a homunculus.

"I am not about to fight with a child such as yourself." Scar stated as he turned to walk away.

"YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME!" Wrath began chasing after him. "I'M NOT INVISIBLE!" He screeched as he took a flying leap. Unfortunately for him, Scar simply stepped aside and Wrath went soaring past.

Ed and Lyra looked up momentarily as a high pitched. "OWIE!" Echoed as yet another tree went crashing to the ground.

Ed gazed longingly into Lyra's violet eyes. "Lyra, baby. I don't care what anyone says. If we can be together forever, I'll be the happiest man alive!"

Lyra smiled sweetly as Ed wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his head against her shoulder. "Oh, Eddie! We're going to be so _happy together_."

((Like you didn't see this coming!))

That weird music had started again from… somewhere.

Lyra started swaying her hips as did Ed. "Imagine me and you…"

Ed grinned. "I do."

"I think about you day and night…"

"It's only right."

"To think about the girl you love…"

"And hold her tight."

"SO HAPPY TOGETHERRR!" Both their voices went horribly off-key.

Somewhere else in the forest, Lust was most melancholy as she kicked a few pinecones aside as she continued searching for her knight in shining armour, literally. She choked. "If I should call you up…"

"Invest a dime." A whiny voice cried.

Lust soured and quickened her pace. "And you say you belong to me…"

"And ease my mind." A low, and probably the voice that really shouldn't called.

Lust gritted her teeth. "Imagine how the world could be…"

"So very fine." The scariest sound was the both of them.

Lust's eyes lit up as she saw Al trying to be discreet in his escape. She charged at him and glomped onto his armour. "SO HAPPY TOGETHERRR!" She screeched.

"EEEK!" Al screeched equally as loud. "Are you people STILL singing?! Don't you all realize that you're _really, really_ BAD?!"

Out of no where, Greed came crashing down, pinning Ed below him. "I CAN'T SEE ME LOVIN' NOBODY BUT YOU, FOR ALL MY LIIIIFE!!"

"AAAUUGH! GET OFF ME!" Ed screamed.

"What he said!" Lyra yelled angrily, trying to yank Greed off her beloved.

"NEVER!" He cleared his throat. "WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME, BABY THE SKIES'LL BE BLUE, FOR ALL MY LIFE!!!"

"GEEET OFFFF!"

And in yet another part of the forest…

Roy stretched out against a tree. "Me and you…"

Riza and Sloth were instantly snuggling up and each of his sides. "And you and me." They both chimed.

"No matter how they toss the dice…"

"It has to be."

"The only one for me is you…"

"And you for me."

"SO HAPPY TOGETHERRR!" They all sang, especially Roy.

Gluttony burst forth from underground near Riza's feet… somehow. "ME NO SEE ME EATIN' NOBODY BUT YOU, IN FIVE TO LIIIIFE!!"

"ACCCCKKKK!" Riza shrieked as he clamped onto one of her legs.

"GET YOUR WIDE-LOAD ASS AWAY FROM HER!" Roy bashed him repeatedly in the skull.

Sloth sighed. "That's not how it goes, bozo." Even stranger is _how_ she knew.

"I DON'T CARE!" Gluttony cried. "WHEN YOU'RE IN ME, BABY THE SKIES WILL BE BLUE, UNTIL YOU PASSS!!!"

"Ewwwww." Roy, Riza, and even Sloth shuddered.

Izumi groaned as she continued searching the area for… anything. She had transmuted a few pebbles into ear plugs, but not even they were any match for the fruit of a later generation. In her peripheral vision, she saw a bush quivering and heard tiny spurts of laughter from behind.

Narrowing her eyes, she removed the plugs and reached out, brushing the foliage aside. She raised an eyebrow at the odd-looking, old woman in front of her, not to mention that she was carrying around a tiger cub.

"Well hello, busty one." Abi grinned while her cub growled. Even he seemed to be sick of the old woman's antics. "Quite the bizarre phenomena, huh? Who would have thought…"

Izumi pinched the bridge of her nose as a headache formed, probably caused by the weird scents of black tea, and couch grass emitting off the woman. "Who the hell are you?" Her patience had taken a stroll a long time ago.

Abi grinned and jabbed a finger in her direction. "The name's Madame Abi, enchantress and seller of stolen goods!"

**CRUNCH!**

"OWWW!" Abi clutched her head. "What did you do that for?!"

Izumi crossed her arms over her chest. "So, I take it that _you're _the one behind this?"

Abi put on an innocent expression. "Who, me?" She pointed at herself.

**FWAP!**

Abi groaned as another bump materialized. "OKAY! I give!" Her eyes watered over. Damn, just what was that woman's fist made out of? Granite?

Izumi smirked and bent down to the woman's level. "Whatever it is that you _did_…" She pointed where various amounts of weird hollers could be heard. "Fix it."

Abi flipped her of the eyes. "Now why would I want to do that?"

"I'll give you a reason." Izumi cracked her knuckles in her palm as a storm cloud burst overhead.

Abi's skin turned blue and slid away from the bush and hopped behind another. "T-that's a damn good reason, lady. Not only has Valentine's Day been taken over by commercialism, it's getting way too dangerous."

((Now who will catch on to this one?))

"Then you'll reverse the spell?" Izumi inquired.

"I still don't see what the big deal is!" The old woman protested. "I-I mean what's wrong with these fools actually having a bit of joy in their lives?"

Izumi looked at her oddly before sighing as realization dawned. "You can't reverse it now, can you?" It really wasn't a question.

"Uh…" Abi twiddled her fingers nervously and scooted a few extra feet away. "N-not exactly…"

Izumi growled and took a few threatening steps forward, intent on strangling the old prune with her own bulky jewellery. This time, Abi remained passive. "If you kill me, their will be no one left who knows anything about the effects of the spell…" She taunted.

"I'll take my chances." She gritted her teeth. "Just look at them!"

Abi made a face. "_Excuse me_, but I didn't exactly intend for it to go _this_ far. I didn't expect the bold stupidity of that short blonde kid, and a few of those homuncadoodle things."

"Homunculi."

"Whatever."

Izumi shook her head. "So _why _did you do it in the first place?"

Abi pulled herself up and onto her feet, dusting off the dirt that now seemed to be caked onto her robes. "I was just trying to show an old 'friend' what it's like to actually be in love. Instead of being one of these superficial women who always needs a man to take care of them, and thinks from between their legs." She snickered. "Although, that's pretty hard to do in that crooked, old frame."

Izumi raised a brow. Could it…"You wouldn't by chance be talking about the old woman who lives in these parts, would you?"

Abi grinned, folding her arms behind her head. "Ah, Mistress Dante. I've been her specialist for a mind-boggling amount of years now." More than humanly possible, she was certain.

Izumi's eyes widened imperceptibly, but other than that, she showed little evidence of her shock. "I see…" She straightened and eyed the woman warily. "Now, tell me… will the spell actually wear off?" Which was probably the question everyone wanted to know.

Abi lifted her chin, her ruby eyes flickering over thoughtfully. "Well… it's hard to say… I've never used this much of my remedy at once before. I usually just use a dusting." She placed her hand on her chin, deep in thought. Which was actually quite amusing from Izumi's perspective. "It's made primarily from endorphins, which of course mingle with the hormones and enhance the intense desire for intercourse tenfold. But that's just for a normal dosage. These people practically got blasted in the face. So it's worse. _Much_ worse."

"That's an understatement." Izumi murmured. "If your intention was to make them all truly fall in love, then why are they chasing each other around like wild animals in heat?"

Abi grinned. "Well, Ms- uh- what did you say your name was?"

"I didn't. It's Izumi."

"Right! Tell me, Ms. Izumi. What's a beautiful thing like love without a romantic tryst to consummate the whole emotion?"

A tryst indeed, _without_ the romance.

Izumi rolled her eyes. There was a time and a place to express one's emotions, but NOT out in public!

"Anyway…" Abi coughed a few times. "You've probably noticed that everyone out there with flesh and organs has forgotten most of their weapons, abilities, and alchemy in the haze of the mist. They remember a few odd talents, but nothing that could cause mass destruction, except for their fists perhaps. So… I don't know precisely when it could end, but a sure fire way to tell when it's starting to wear off is when they start bringing out the heavy artillery." She cackled. "And _that_ is when the real chaos will ensue."

Izumi sighed. "So, in other words. They'll go back to normal AFTER everything in the area has been reduced to nothing but sticks and stones?"

Abi flashed her a cheeky grin. "YOU'VE GOT IT! It could very well turn into the likeness of another epic battle." She sighed dreamily. "Love can make you do such crazy things…"

Izumi massaged her forehead then started actually chuckling. It was just so damn ridiculous, she was sure this whole ordeal would probably go down in the history books. Unless they all killed each other first, that is.

Winry sulked as she stretched out against a tree. Envy had left for… something, but not before he made her promise that she wouldn't go running off again. She groaned. Despite the situation, she was a woman of her word. Besides, it's not like he'd hurt her… for now. No, it was just an entirely worse situation that's all.

She was beginning to wonder if Envy was, in reality, a walking oxymoron.

An oxymoron who would be expecting his end of the deal once he came back, in exchange for keeping his hands off her for _fifteen whole minutes_. Which is all she could squeeze out of him when his opening bid had been five seconds.

It was that damn 'equivalent exchange' again. That theory deserved to die a slow, painful death right about now.

"One… two… three…" Once he reached ten of his item, Envy stood back up and stretched. How much time had passed? Seven minutes?

Damn it. Still eight minutes left.

A low murmur sounded from behind him so he twisted around. There was a bee hive situated up high in one of the trees, and Envy found himself staring at it like it was some kind of monument or a source of inspiration.

Bees equal hive which equals honey.

Sticky honey.

_Sticky_.

A light bulb actually lit over Envy's head as anyone who happened to be innocently passing by could see the devilish leer on his face. Bolting forward, he snatched the hive right out of the tree sending the bees into a hissy fit. Unfortunately for them, Envy was _long_ gone, and now they had no home.

Winry hummed softly as she slowly strode along the perimeter of the lake, watching the small waves glitter under the moon's watch. She picked up her forlorn bandana from the ground and smoothed out the creases. It truly was a beautiful area, even the grass seemed more lush in this particular section of the forest. To bad Ed wasn't here with her…

She shook her head. Now wasn't the time. She still needed to at least try and formulate more excuses to get away from the sin in case he really did snap out of it.

Because there would be hell to pay, she was sure of it.

Winry's eyes softened at the sight of the fireflies floating throughout the entire area. She laughed prettily as one drew close to her. She stretched her arms out, slowly twirling as her bandana fanned out, while forgetting her current situation entirely. That was until…

"_YEAH_! WORK IT, BABY!"

Winry yelped and almost fell over. Envy stood a few feet away looking quite amused.

Her face flushed about a dozen shades of red as she took a few steps back, trying to right herself. That was until she blindly tripped over a low-hanging hedge.

Envy raised an eyebrow before walking over to where she was still flat on her back, muttering about her head and apparently wrenches. "Whatcha do that for?" He asked as he squatted down next to her.

Winry rubbed her head one last time before glaring up at him, her bottom lip set in a pout. "I DIDN'T do it on purpose, you know! Not that-"

"GREAT!" He stood back up, and grinned at her, proudly showing off his teeth. "Pick a hand!"

"Huh?" Winry looked at him like he was a mental case. Oh wait, he was one. She then noticed that both of his hands were behind his back.

_Oi_.

She was NOT going to play a game she did when she was five! No way-

"That one." She pointed to his left. Envy removed his hand and shoved a bunch of lavenders into her arms, though his grip seemed to have squeezed the life out of the poor things.

"Now…" He stood back up. "Pick another!" Winry stared at him. "Fine…" He grumbled, but soon sobered as he set the bee hive down.

"EEK!" She squealed, hiding behind a bush. "Are you insane?! Bees sting you know!"

Envy cracked the top open. "Nothing else but honeycomb in here." He grinned up at her. "Want some? Come on. I won't _bite_."

Gingerly, she peaked out from behind the bush. "How? It's still solidified." Perhaps his temper could melt it?

"Well-" He blinked. Now what had he planned on doing?

Winry sighed and got up, judging by the look on his face, he had _not_ thought this through. She picked up a few stray sticks lying on the ground. Granny had certainly made sure to teach her everything, and right now she was starving.

And she _loved_ honey.

Hnn. She was such a tomboy sometimes.

So as Winry managed to get a fire going and liquefied the comb, Envy flopped down on the other side, pulling one of his legs up while the other stretched out. In other words, letting it all hang out.

"Um… uh … so homunculi don't have to eat, right?" She shivered, trying to avoid the little 'peep show' he was giving her as she leaned forward to blow on the honey.

_Blow_.

How nice, and she _does_ where a bra. Mmm, it's strapless and matches her top. Maybe her panties match too… Envy looked up into her eyes as she yawned. "You look tired, saucy pants. Why don't you get some sleep?"

Winry had her mouth covered and answered in a panicked grimace. "I couldn't even if I wanted to! _I _can't sleep if I have to fend off lecherous homunculi all night!"

Envy cocked an eyebrow. "Just one homunculus. And I promise to be lecherous only twelve percent of the time." He leaned forward as Winry pulled back.

"I don't like those odds." She squeaked, making sure that the hive was between them. "Let's say we're talking about a period of eight hours." She babbled. "That's… carry the one… 480 minutes."

Envy paused for a moment as he slid forward.

"So, twelve percent of that would be… divide that by one hundred… 57.6 minutes."

Envy's eyes flickered over mischievously.

"And, technically, fifty-eight minutes is more than enough time to… to…" She flushed, then threw a stick at him. "NO WAY!"

Envy snickered before finally sitting back.

She then dipped one of her fingers into the pasty substance, and slid it into her mouth, her tongue popping out to lick the dollop on her bottom lip, before dipping her finger back in.

Envy watched as she twirled her finger in the slippery substance, and repeatedly poked at the gooiness.

In, out, in, out.

His grin widened and his jaw actually cracked.

"So…" Winry started, trying to spark up some conversation. Which would be next to impossible, because after all, they would have a _dozen_ things to talk about!

Envy wasn't listening.

Though, in all fairness, it wasn't exactly his fault. To listen, he needed to use his brain. To use his brain, he needed to supply it with oxygen. To supply it with oxygen, he needed blood to circulate. Unfortunately, Envy's blood was rushing in the opposite direction.

Because he had made quite the discovery with the girl.

Yes, Winry Rockbell was obsessed with silk.

Envy was being very observant from his side of the fire. She removed her jacket from around her waist and set it to one side, and leaned forward to dip one of her fingers back into the opaque goo. From his position he could certainly see it, in detail too. They were black, her undergarments, they were. With little silver moons and stars. Evil silver moons and stars.

_Crap_. Still two more minutes… then again, he never once kept his word, or even gave his word, or even knew the significance of giving his word.

His word was worth squat.

"Time's up!"

Winry looked up. "Huh?"

His eyes darkened to deep violet, and before she could even blink, he disappeared from her line of vision and slid in front of her.

Winry dug her heels into the ground and scooted a few inches away from him. "What have I told you before?! Back the hell off!" She swiftly brought up her hand to slap him clean across the face again, but Envy's inhuman reflexes were much quicker and his hand shot out, blocking her hand before it could connect with the side of his face.

Envy's devious smirk broke out across his demonic features, flashing his sharp teeth as he firmly gripped onto her wrist. "Come now, you know what I am. You don't really think I'd let you strike me, hmmm?" Oh yes, he would have her yet. Not giving her a second to retaliate, he pulled her forward and she fell face first into his lap, resulting in a startled squeak. "Now it's time for _my_ end of the deal. _Now_ what will you _do_ for me?"

Winry cried out in disbelief and rage as she pulled herself upright. "Let go of me, right now!" She tried to wiggle away, but his hands lifted up and slid up the back of her neck, threading through her long blonde hair, massaging her scalp before coming forth to frame her face. She squealed as she kept trying to pull away.

Then he leaned forward and seemed to be reaching for something behind her. Of course, when he shifted forward so did… the hair.

Winry arched back the way someone does when a spider is lowering itself down on one of its threads. She breathed a sigh of relief when he leaned back, but something felt sticky on her shoulder. She turned her head as saw a few droplets of honey running down her arm. In fact, both of Envy's hands were covered in it.

_Honey_, why was it that she liked it before?

She froze when he drew forward. "What do you say I take your favourite paste and rub it _all_ over your body, hmmm?" He licked around his lips, hinting his next plan of action.

**CRACK!**

Winry smiled cheerfully. _'What do you know? I DID have my wrench.' _Three cheers for her!

Envy lay there on the ground, still registering what had just happened when he spotted her famous wrench lying on the ground near his head. "What do we have here?" He picked it up and examined it.

"AAHHH! GET YOUR GRUBBY HANDS OFF MY WRENCH, YOU JERK!!" She lunged at him, trying to pull it out of his hands.

"No way, you gave it to me!" He pulled back, yanking her down.

"GAVE IT TO YOU?! SAYS WHO?!" She dug her heel into the ground, trying to get even a little leverage.

"Winry! Don't be a de-gifter!" He watched her struggle while he didn't have to move an inch. Even with both of her hands, she couldn't even budge it.

"UGH! LET GO!"

He actually did, shockingly enough, and she held up her wrench in triumph.

Envy grinned up at her and folded his arms behind his head. "Oh, so _that's _why you won't let me jump you."

Winry stopped and looked down at him. She was pretty damn sure that he'd already tried… _many_ times. "What the heck are you talking about?"

Envy just snickered wildly and it dawned on her where she was. Or rather the risqué position they were in, with her straddling his hips.

"So, _that's_ what you prefer…" He rolled his head back. "Well… I'm ALL yours!"

Winry leapt off of him and pointed a shaky finger at him "Y-You-You, _FIEND_!"

She swore, even if it was the last thing she did…

_She was going to castrate him._


	8. Chapter 7: Roses Are Red

I've had more than my fair share of coffee today. WOOT! Watch me be the 'speedy update girl!'

Yeah I know, poor Win-chan. She probably could've saved herself if she HAD jumped off that cliff… maybe not. NOBODY wants to hear Envy screeching like a banshee again and pouring his eyes out. THUS, flooding all of Shamballa and drowning everyone… what a way to go.

Damn love potion.

**Disclaimer:** Chibi-san and company belong exclusively to Hiromu Arakawa and anyone else who legally makes money off of them… now that just sounds wrong. I couldn't possibly own the song because it came even before my parents' time. The only OC belongs to me, as well as this plot on crack, which is definitely what I was on when I wrote this.

I also don't own any _props_ or _sticky substances_ mentioned here. OR the song this chapter refers to…

**Love Potion Number Nine**

**Chapter 7 "Roses Are Red"**

"Um-um-um-AH!" Al squeaked as Lust tipped him over onto the ground.

"OH! Al, my love! I'm SO happy!" Lust squealed as she sat on top of him and leaned forward. "Aren't you?"

"Mmmmweep!"

"Oh, you're mating call is like music to my ears!" Then Lust knitted her eyebrows together as her eyes began leaking over. "You DO like spending time with me, don't you, Alphonse?"

Crickets chirped.

Lust's shoulders sagged. "Don't you think I'm beautiful, angel cake?" The armour creaked as she shifted slightly. "I know you do. I knew you were excited when I was sitting on you back at Lab Five." She giggled and stroked his chest plate, running her fingertips over the dent. "Oh, you're hurt! Don't worry, we can buffer that right out in no time at all!"

"ELRIC!"

"ACK!" Al jumped up, flipping Lust haphazardly onto the ground. "SC-SCAR!" Scar folded his arms, glaring a hole through him. "Uh… so, h-how is the w-weather?" Al twiddled his steel fingers.

"MWAHAHA! I'm BAAaack!" Al jumped and looked up to see Wrath dangling off a tree branch several feet above.

"N-now, now…" Al raised his hands. "P-please settle down. Can't we all just get along?" _'I WANT OUT!'_

"Lust!" Wrath called out. She pulled herself off the ground, and glared up at him, though he started giggling like mad.

"What?!" She snapped. He said nothing, and just pointed at her dress. She looked down and gave a sharp 'Eep!' As she hiked her dress back over her exposed breasts and quickly teetered to her feet.

Wrath stood up proudly and looked over at her again. "I've prepared a poem for the very lovely lady!" He chirped and pulled out a piece of paper from his… shorts.

_'Oh no…'_ Al groaned as he went down on his haunches, swirling the dirt around as a storm cloud burst overhead. _'NO MORE!'_

Wrath rubbed his shoulder before clearing his throat, though he ended up choking and Al was pretty damn sure it was on his own lugie and shuddered mightily. He grinned and started tapping his foot. "Sweet from the flowersssss, honey from the beesssss. I've got a feeling I'm ready to releassssse! Roses are red AND violets are blue-"

"Purple."

"H- honey is sweeeeet, but not as sweet as youuu." Wrath huffed and whipped the paper down, glaring daggers down at Al. "WHAT?!"

"Violets are purple. Ask anyone." Al shrugged.

"NO!" Wrath suddenly brought out a paper back book and skimmed through it. "Every one of these poems say that violets are BLUE!"

Al shrugged again. "When people make a reference to something that is purple, they usually say violet."

"I don't care what other people say! Violets are BLUE!"

"Purple."

"BLUE!"

"Purple."

"_BLUE_!"

"WRATH!" Al tried to reason. "Look at your eyes AND the other homunculi! They are _violet_."

Wrath scrunched up his nose and looked at the book as if he expected it to blow up. "Then… which idiot ever said that violets are blue?!"

Al gave an 'I don't know' type of sound. "It's all based on perception, I guess."

"Uh…" Wrath grimaced a final time before tossing the book over his shoulder as Al chuckled and turned to finally tiptoe his way out of there.

However, he didn't notice that the little bugger had silently dropped to the ground and was now creeping up behind him. Just as he was about to dissect him down to the last screw, but unlike a certain other person, he was NOT going to put him back together, he paused. Why was he doing this the hard way? He scrunched his eyebrows as something seemed to come back to him. Why the hell didn't he just use…

"HA HA HAAA!" He cackled as he slammed his hand into a tree, his arm shifting into the colour and texture of the spruce. "TAKE THIS HELMET HEAD!" He cackled as his arm stretched and jettisoned towards him.

"EEP!" Al dove to one side as the root shot past him, but as expected, Wrath still didn't have much control over his own strength so the root continued to shoot forward.

**FWAP!**

"OWWW!" Lyra tripped over a tree limb as she and Ed were fleeing for their lives away from a lovesick Greed. Ed stopped in his tracks and ran to help her when the charging root, originally a 'gift' from Wrath to Al, bore her upwards into the sky, pinning her high up against a maple tree.

"Lyra! I'll save you!" Ed stumbled a few times as he went to Lyra's rescue. However, before he could, something slapped him hard to the ground.

"Wow, what incredible irony." It was Greed, proudly sitting on Ed's back as his furry collar fluffed in the breeze. He grinned evilly and almost fondly at the back of Ed's head. "Now that _she's_ out of the way, we can get to know each other better…"

"GAH!" Ed leapt up, but Greed's arms encircled him, pulling him closer and closer to himself.

"Oh, Edums! I want to hear your fairy-boy voice screech my name in ecstasy!!"

"YOU SON OF A-!" Ed squealed and smashed his elbow into Greed's jaw, but the persistent man held onto him firmly.

"Awwww. You're incorrigible aren't you? We can fix that." He leaned back to shout something over his shoulder at no one in particular. "Someone get this bad boy a tube of KY Jelly®--!"

"Aiiiyyyaaaaaa!!!" In a burst of strength and total disgust, Ed broke free of Greed's vice and sprinted over to where Lyra was still bound to the tree.

"Don't worry, Lyra! I'll- umph!" Greed tackled Ed to the ground… once again.

"Now, my little Edo-sweetie. Who's your daddy?" He cooed.

"YOOUUU &#&$ BASTARD!!" Ed kicked at the offensive homunculus and broke away again, sprinting into a desperate run.

Greed simply sashayed into a brisk walk, his smirk in place as he pursued his lover. "Wait! My little Edo-kins! Let's play twister! _I've_ got the spinner! Bwahahahaha!!"

Meanwhile, Lyra was still yelling for Ed. Although everyone ignored her, even Ed, who was hell bent on getting away from Greed. Her face settled into a pout as she grumbled to herself, but then brightened as Ed came running back towards her. He DID love her! Oh she was going to kiss him all over when he rescued her!

"GREED!" She yelled at the skipping homunculus. "What's the _matter_ with you?! He's NOT QUEER!!!"

"What are you talking about, wench?!" Greed yelled back. "Look it him…" He grinned as he tried to tug on Ed's braid. "He's done up all pretty-like."

"So? That DOESN'T mean that he prefers the attention of GUYS! SHEESH!"

Greed scratched the back of his head. "… it doesn't?"

"Noooo. He's just neat."

Roy yawned as he stretched out against a tree with his two best girls nuzzled up at each of his sides. Riza was curled up with her hand on his stomach, moving up to lightly trace his abdomen with her fingertips as she leaned up to lightly kiss him on the cheek. Sloth was equally as affectionate. One of her hands were in his hair, tenderly massaging his scalp causing childlike groans to spill forth.

Yup, this simply had to be any man's heaven, even if one of the women pleasuring him happened to be a…

Wait a minute, wasn't the water woman supposed to be the homunculus of Edward's _mother_? Talk about pissing him off…

_'Interesting scenario.' _Was the only thought in Roy's fuzzy mind. None of that mattered at this point. Never had he ever been so blissfully happy, and aroused all at the same time.

That was until Riza's stomach rumbled all of a sudden. She blushed a little while Roy and Sloth chuckled.

"I can't have one of my lovely ladies starving, now can I?" His dark eyes twinkled.

"It's- nothing." Riza held her stomach.

"Nonsense!" Roy stood up, pulling Riza and Sloth with him. "We're going to have a night on the town! First I'm going to take you two out to the fanciest restaurant this town has to offer-"

"That really does sound lovely, Roy." Sloth sighed. "But homunculi don't have to eat."

"Exactly!" Roy grinned back at her. "Don't _have_ to, but can when given the option. Then we'll check into a five-star hotel room with a king-sized bed and tiny liquor bottles!"

Riza and Sloth beamed.

Roy turned the corner, holding each of them by the hand only to get waylaid by Gluttony!

**WHUMP!**

Roy went soaring backwards into yet a another poor innocent tree after Gluttony thrust his stomach out and into him, proving once and for all that _he _was the world's greatest trampoline.

"ROY!" Riza and Sloth shouted, running over to their fallen man whose eyes were swirling about.

"GOT HIM!" Gluttony crowed. "NO HUMAN HITS GLUTTONY OVER THE HEAD!" He turned to Riza and was once again mesmerized. "RIZA-CHAN!"

"AHHHH!" Riza picked up a branch that had snapped off from Roy's impact.

Gluttony hopped up and down in excitement. "I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!" Which was a fairly horrific sight, given the way his stomach seemed to bounce in slow motion.

"TAKE THAT!" Riza swung the branch straight towards Gluttony's head, sending the unfortunate homunculus flying.

Sloth cheered. "FOOUURRR!" She shielded her eyes with her hand as she watched Gluttony sail through the air.

As Riza went over to pick up Roy, the persistent bastard came charging back.

"Bein' hard to get, huh?" Gluttony muttered as he tried to stand straight while little hearts were going around and around over his bald head.

"_Playin'_ hard to get." Sloth corrected.

**STOMP!**

No, really. Riza came back and stomped on Gluttony's head, grounding it deep into the ground. Not that he felt much.

Winry shuddered as a cool breeze swept past her shoulders.

She felt so dirty.

And it was _all_ _his_ fault.

He'd been waiting for her, uh huh. Lurking in the shadows, as he coolly leaned against a tree with his arms crossed, his eyes pinpointed on her and flashing that ominously hungry grin.

She should have known better.

She should have said no.

She should have taken one look at his face and into those amethyst eyes-

"Just this one time." He'd pouted pleadingly, arranging his features into an innocent expression. There was that contradiction again.

And she'd fallen for it.

Stupid, stupid, _stupid_.

So, now, barely an hour later, Winry was just… sitting there on the grass, leaning against a tree.

She couldn't believe it.

Couldn't believe that he'd made her do- do… _that_. Ew. Ew. EW!

Really, it was… it was just _too_ _big_. It was _too much_ for her. She just wasn't used to it.

Why? _Why_ in God's name did she try to take it all in? Unprepared? Out in the open? With- with… _him_?

Winry glanced to her left.

Envy was sitting next to her, grinning quite smugly. His amethyst eyes were glazing over as he stared off into the distance, a satiated smile curling his lips. Winry whimpered. He was definitely in la la land.

Why, a thousand times, _why_?

"You liked it, and you know it." He smirked, but didn't turn to look at her. He stretched his long legs lazily and Winry whimpered again.

He was right.

She _had_ liked it.

It had felt _so_ _good_. So incredibly, unbelievably, _excruciatingly_ good.

She knew it was wrong. Wrong and dangerous. Everyone said so. But… but…

She wanted more. More, more, MORE.

"Envy- uh- _sama_." She began shyly. "Next time…"

Envy turned his head slowly, staring at her curiously.

"Next time…" She continued. "Please tell me to slow down, okay?"

Envy grinned wickedly. "Sure thing, saucy pants."

"And… um." She coughed uncomfortably. "Would you keep your hands where I can see them, please?"

Envy snickered, folding his arms behind his head as Winry blushed.

Everyone would hate her now. They would all mutter 'disgusting,' for the evidence was all over her. There was even a little in her hair.

Winry flushed horribly.

_Oh_, _no_.

She'd completely forgotten, overlooked- _ignored_- the potential consequences. Gaining a few extra kilograms was… was the _least_ of them. Oh boy…

Winry squirmed, suddenly nauseous. Oh, no! It-

It had started already!

Shakily, she glanced at her fingers. Her fingers, they- they were still sticky.

For a moment, she was tempted to just lick them, but that seemed even more inappropriate.

With a quick, covert glance back at Envy, she frowned petulantly.

Why, _his_ fingers weren't sticky at all!

Grr.

Huh?

He must be really… experienced with this.

Well, obviously! He wasn't the one who had to hold it for so long!

He was called the 'sin of envy,' but did they get it the right way? Obviously, his enviable proficiency would stop at nothing. Maybe envy meant that everyone envied _him_ in this particular case?

Winry sighed.

Even though she'd grown up here in this time, surrounded by that… that _temptation_, she hadn't really…

Well, that is to say-

_Sigh_.

She'd been prepared for it to be a… messy experience, but this… this was just…

She needed a shower. _Yes_. A long, cleansing shower. A nice literal and figurative catharsis. Water washed everything away, right? Even atrocities such as this particular one. Yes. Good. She would do just that. She would-

Winry cringed. The scent, rich and thick, still hung in the air, and a flash of worry suddenly rushed through her.

Oh uh-

The scent- it stuck to her skin, her clothes, her-

Eek!

Everyone would notice. Everyone would know. Everyone would-

"Winry…" Came his low voice with that creepy hint of effeminacy. "You should have told me you weren't ready." He sounded deeply amused.

Winry winced apologetically. "I'm sorry. I just didn't think it would be that… that…"

"Big?" Envy raised a smug eyebrow.

_Must… not… kill… him._

Oh, wait! You _can't_ kill him.

"Hfff. You look a little too happy about this." She pouted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Perhaps because I am. I've never been in that position before." He stated happily, stretching again. "We should have done this right off the get go." He glanced at her, his eyes that seemed to glow in the dark sparkling over with mischief. "In fact, I think we should do it again in five minutes, _or_ maybe tomorrow."

God, how she really wanted to do it again tomorrow.

"I- I can't. I have to go back. The others might be in trouble." She stated uneasily, wondering all the while if that evil palm tree had gotten her addicted.

She looked at her slippery fingers, then back at him as he tugged on his lower- garment thingy.

_Desire_ _to_ _repeat offence…_ NOT _abating_.

_Bastard!_

He _did_ get her addicted.

Envy ignored her burgeoning hysterics. "Only next time, I want us to slow down." He grinned over at her mischievously. "Well, you more so than me. I actually didn't seem to be participating much."

It was true, he really couldn't.

Winry whimpered sheepishly, a few strategically placed pink spots appearing on her cheeks. "Um. I'll try, Envy-sama."

"I understand that it feels good, and it's probably rather difficult for you- _especially_ _you_- to control yourself around me- _especially_ _me_-"

Winry growled. "Hey!"

"… but I think we'd both enjoy it more if you, well… talked less during- "

"_What_?!" She screeched, curiously reinvigorated. "_You_ were the one who wouldn't shut up!"

Envy merely smirked. "You sure seemed into it to me."

Winry fumed, balling up her little fists. "I was faking it."

Envy's jaw hit the ground. "You were NOT faking it. I _can_ tell the difference, you know!"

Winry huffed and stubbornly turned away from him as the consequences leaked into her mind again. She could already see it now. People her age giving her their pity. Elderly couples walking by, their raggedy canes rattling as they scowled nastily at her. Winry whimpered and sank back against the tree.

She was doomed. If this got back to her grandmother…

Granny wouldn't be angry, no. But she _would_ be disappointed, and Winry certainly wasn't looking forward to another lecture.

How? How did this happen? It'd been only hours- six measly hours- since he had first started going off about his 'undying love' for her, and most of that time was spent when she temporarily got away from him.

So, _how_ did he STILL manage to nab her _again_ without herself or anyone else noticing and now… now… _this_?

"I'm leaving." She huffed, standing up while dusting the grass off of her pants. Oh no, her pants were covered in all sorts of stains too! Envy simply licked his fingers coolly.

"I wouldn't if I were you, because if you do, I'll _find_ you, so we can have a repeat." He sounded dead serious, but then he broke out into his side-splitting grin. "Don't forget to tell everyone how good it was!" He shouted after her naughtily, his cruel laughter startling her into a shocked silence, knowing that would get her riled up.

With a strangled cry, Winry collapsed on the ground, blatantly ignoring his waggling eyebrows.

That was _it_.

She'd never, ever, do _that_ again. EVER.

No matter how much he begged and pleaded and ran his tongue over his lips-

No!

Never! He would never get her to repeat this horrible offence.

Winry Rockbell was determined as she turned the now empty bee hive upside down.

She would _never _eat that much honey again.

* * *

((I hear mortified shouts coming from the other side…)) 

**Winry:** Ah…! I- I would never! I- you! You… you _horrible_ people! How dare you think _I'd_- and, and-

**Envy:** …

**Winry:** Envy-sama? While you're still _head over heels_, won't you defend my virtue?

**Envy:** … _mmm_rrr?

**Winry:** I hate you.

((You perverts. Winry is appalled, but Envy is very proud of you!))


	9. Chapter 8: Temptation

We all know that the FMA characters need to take a _long_ vacation. A vacation from themselves, really. So, I sort of gave them one. Hey, it's fun for _some_ of them.

When in doubt, blame Greed is what I always say. And I blame him for this.

Yup, Gluttony/Riza should be made as illegal as a fat geisha riding a bull.

… wait a minute… HA! I've _finally_ found the perfect girl for Gluttony!

**Disclaimer:** Chibi-san and company belong exclusively to Hiromu Arakawa and anyone else who legally makes money off of them… now that just sounds wrong. I couldn't possibly own the song because it came even before my parents' time. The only OC belongs to me, as well as this plot on crack, which is definitely what I was on when I wrote this.

Surely Envy wouldn't take advantage of- oh… oh my god, Winry, run!

Beware the melodramatic _drivel_. I'm entitled, e_ntitled_ I say!

**Love Potion Number Nine**

**Chapter 8 "Temptation"**

"Riza?" Roy called as he and Sloth looked around the area outside of the black, metal gate to Dante's mansion.

Riza had run off once again when Gluttony had returned to present her with a gift of his own preference. That gift being the live, and still pulsing heart of wild boar, also to his likeness. Now she was nowhere to be found.

They both arrived at a clearing just in time to see Gluttony chasing Riza near the gates to Dante's mansion.

"GET- AWAY- YOU- DISGUSTING- THING!!" Riza yelled as she kept trying to avoid the gargantuan arms of Gluttony.

"AWWWW, you're so sweet, Riza-chan!" Gluttony abruptly leaped forward and glomped onto Riza, knocking her right over. "Ah, Riza-chan. Your breasts feel like a sheep's rotten spleen." Gluttony slipped down to her waist and Roy tackled them both, trying to get the love-besotted, tank off of his beloved!

"GET OFF!" Roy was tugging on Gluttony's stumpy legs.

"NO! SHE'S MINE!" Gluttony yelled as he clamped harder onto Riza.

"OW!" Riza howled, still attempting to bat Gluttony off of her.

"MINE!" Gluttony still hung on for dear life as Roy kept pulling and tugging and-

Finally!

"AAAHHH!!" Riza jerked the offending Gluttony off of her chest, sending him rolling like a ball of doe onto a waiting Roy, who punched him in the face, where he landed on the ground, kicking up a cloud of dust. What Gluttony DID manage to nab from Riza however, was a piece of her blue uniform skirt, which he nuzzled clumsily against the side of his face.

After a moment of _that_, Gluttony's eyes narrowed evilly as he sat up, foaming at the mouth. "That's it, you meanie… you've made Gluttony MAD! You don't want Gluttony mad!"

"Bring it on!" Roy grinned and motioned for him to do just that.

As Gluttony charged at him, something caught his eye in his peripheral vision. One of his onyx eyes slid down to his hand. Why was he wearing those white gloves with such a weird symbol, anyway? He lifted up his hand, and stared at it, having the irresistible urge to snap his fingers. So he did just that. A tiny spark illuminated, and he grinned. Any carnivorous animals that might be in this forest were going to have roasted pig tonight!

Placing his other hand in his pocket, a smug expression took over as he snapped his fingers in Gluttony's direction.

"EEE!" Gluttony dodged the flame thrower.

Riza frowned. Had she just been _screaming_? What a pathetically weak and childish thing to do! Wait, that disgusting homunculus was still trying to harm her man!! Infuriated, she dipped her hand down into her holsters and pulled out both of her shotguns before firing away at the newly created, artificial target.

Back at the clearing where it all started, Izumi stood with her arms crossed as she stared intently out towards where the screams were coming from while Abi was lazily sitting cross-legged on the ground.

The sound of a dog barking came faintly in the distance, and they both turned, wondering what a dog was doing out in the middle of nowhere at this time of night. The barking grew louder as three other figures came into sight.

"IZUMI-SAN!" Someone from the small group called out.

Izumi arched a brow. "… Mason?"

Shooting out ahead of them was Den, followed by Sig, Mason, and…

"Pinako?" Izumi stated more in desbelief than a question. "What are you doing here in Dublith? Especially at this time of night."

"Uh- I can answer that!" Mason piped up, sweating bullets. "You see, Winry-san's grandmother called to make sure that she had arrived safely… and that was about the time when you found out that she wasn't in her room…"

"… _and_?" Izumi pushed, tilting her head up as she shifted her eyes down at him.

He gulped, fearful for his physical and mental health around the strict, and slightly scary woman. "W- well, I PANICKED! You went off looking for her and the Elric brothers, but didn't return, and I didn't know what to do!"

Sig shook his head disapprovingly.

Pinako took a long drag from her pipe. "Izumi…" She walked up to her while Den was continually sniffing the area, whining every so often. "Where is my granddaughter? What about Edward and Alphonse?"

Izumi looked at her for a moment before sighing heavily and stepping aside so the old woman could see, motioning towards the clearing.

Pinako squinted passed her, and her pipe fell right out of her mouth. Mason also turned to see and his eyes bugged right out of his head. "W- wh- what the-?" He shook his head back and forth. He had to be seeing things. "Are they stoned or something?" He asked.

Sig looked over at Izumi.

"… you _could_ say that." She shrugged.

"How did this happen?" Pinako bent down and picked up her pipe, wiping it off on her apron before popping it back into her mouth.

Izumi sighed again. "It's a _long_ story."

"I've got no place to be-"

"SHHHH!" Everyone looked down at the old enchantress tapping her foot in irritation. "Do you people ever shut up?" She grinned mischievously, rubbing her withered hands together. "This is gonna be great!"

Izumi shot her an icy glare and she immediately shut up, while Mason jumped behind Sig.

Abi huffed. "Well, it's true! From what I've seen, everyone here accept for the blonde girl with the ocean, blue eyes and probably the hulking, suit of armour are _extremely_ violent individuals. It'll come down to destroying the place before their brains actually click back to reality."

Pinako raised an eyebrow at her lazy form on the ground. "Who the heck is this odd character?"

"Humph! I am none other than-"

"She's no one important." Izumi cut in.

Abi fell on her side.

Den's ears perked up as he continued sniffing around before halting at the centre of a certain pathway, gazing out into the distance. Pinako glanced over at him. "What is it, old boy?" Den whined again and started barking.

Izumi turned as well. "That's where Alphonse said Winry-san was when…" Well, she couldn't exactly tell Winry's grandmother _that_, now could she?

"Hmm? He's probably searching for his Mistress." Abi yawned curtly.

Pinako's eyebrows scrunched together. "What do you-"

"GET AWAY FROM HIM!" The sound of a girl screeching at the top of her lungs, who was pinned high up in a tree, brought everyone's attention back to the mayhem laid out in front of them.

"OH, EDOOOO?" Greed called out, as he skipped through the area. "I _know_ you're out there. I can hear you breathing!"

Ed was perched high in a tree, panting hard while Greed hadn't even broken a sweat! _Figures_.

"Heh heh heh." Greed clapped his hands together merrily, and licked his chops like a mutt. "I just love it when you play hard to get, Edo-darling." He grinned upwards towards the trees.

"Grrr…" Ed gritted his teeth. He gripped harder onto the branch, snapping a few small twigs.

"OoOoh! I can hear you!" Greed stopped where he was and looked upwards. "Now be a GOOD, little alchemist, and your _life partner_ will reward you!" Which of course was his idea of a bribe.

"Screw you!" Ed spat.

"Is that a threat or a promise, Eddie-kins?" Greed finally spotted where Ed was crouched up on a thick branch while holding up two branches in front of his face, pretending to be invisible.

"Leave me alone!" Ed shouted. "I'm in love with Lyra!"

"Pfft… how can you be in love with a woman… _anyone _or_ anything_ who _doesn't_ have access to the 'equipment' twenty-four hours a day?"

"THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Ed gagged and almost lost his balance.

Greed crossed his arms and pouted. "You DON'T mean that, my most precious, little, Edo-dear! You KNOW that sodomy is the right way to go!"

"SHUT THE &#?& UP ALREADY, JACKASS!"

Greed paused before gushing over. "Oh, sweet, naïve one. You have NO idea how _accurate_ that name is for me, do you?"

"… … … EYUUUUCCCKKKK!!!"

Greed looked at the tree, trying to think of some way to get his precious golden boy safely out of it when an idea hit him. Sure, as a homunculus, he was strong, but HE was the…

Something visibly clicked in his head. He was the Ultimate Shield!

He grinned up Ed. "I'm going to get you, and all your pretty golden hair too!" Then his body mutated, and shifted to his impenetrable form, tearing his shirt. "Don't I look even sexier now?"

Ed scoffed. "You're uglier than before!"

"Oh! You'll hurt my feelings!" Then he latched onto the tree and began to shake it, sending Ed crashing to the ground before morphing back to his, more or less, normal self. "You're back, Edo-sweetie!"

"Quit messing with my name!"

"That's not all I want to mess with…" Then Greed suddenly pounced on the fallen boy and glomped him.

"GAH!" Ed screamed in terror as Greed tried to French kiss him.

"Ooooh, I like them when they're _feisty_." Greed giggled.

"Itaaaaiiii!" Ed managed to boot him in the stomach and bolted from Greed's embrace. He had to get back to his beloved Lyra!

As Ed was running with Greed close on his tail, something dawned on him. While he was being chased down by some lunatic, why wasn't he doing something to defend himself? _Weird_.

Ed shook his head back and forth a few times before spinning around. He clapped his hands together before slamming them into the ground, causing some underground roots to shoot up and form a cage around Greed, imprisoning him for at least a short time.

"Oh, look!" Abi pointed from her spot on the sidelines. "It's started already!"

Wrath had finally retracted his arm and Lyra fell forward, landing on the ground hard on her rear, but with all the layers of her dress, she was in no worse shape than anyone else.

"LYRA, MY SWEET!" Ed cried out, rushing over to her with open arms.

"EDO-KUN!" Lyra opened up her arms as Ed flew into her embrace.

They vaguely heard the sound of snapping twigs as Greed broke out of his prison. "Okay, Eddie-boy… the chase is over!" Greed was suddenly behind him, and given the current situation, not a very safe place to be.

"Edo… I love you even though you defeated me in battle when you were twelve…" Lyra ignored Greed's presence entirely.

"And I love you for being such a formidable foe…" Ed murmured.

The homunculus behind them let out a very frustrated grunt. "Cut it out! I'm Greed! The man who struts around in a vest with a furry collar, remember?!" Greed placed his hands on his hips and tapped his foot impatiently.

SIGH!

Ed and Lyra were staring at each other intently, lost in the love that they felt.

Greed shrugged. Okay, he _tried_ to be nice! He was not adverse to group activities, _and_ if it meant that he would be with his Edward goldy-locks… with an abruptness that shocked both Lyra and Ed, Greed fell upon them like a ravaging animal.

"Bwahahaa!" He laughed. "Greed wins! Get ready for wild homunculus-orgy love, my little golden-boy of love! Which has turned out to be the best kind!"

"EEEYYYAAAHHH!!!" Ed and Lyra both screamed in terror.

Ed took to action of fighting for his virtue, and wound up using Lyra as a sort of shield. Greed was grinning evilly as he was systematically trying to rip Ed's overcoat away from him, already having ripped off a few pieces. "YOU BASTARD!" Ed hollered. "THAT WAS MY _FAVOURITE _COAT!"

Greed cackled. "And there's more to come! Er… _go_…" So far the evil homunculus was trying to get at his chest, but ended up grabbing Lyra's front instead, ripping it down the middle.

"Aiiiee!" Lyra was coherent enough to cover herself although Ed was gazing at her with a certain glaze to his eyes.

"Ewww… nothing to see…" Greed grimaced. "Resistance is futile, Edward!"

"Why- _you_!" Lyra flushed and lashed out with her leg, kneeing Greed between his legs.

"Owwwwwwww! SON OF A-! &#$& and #$&#, &#$#!!" Greed's eyes crossed and his face turned blue as he slumped on both Ed and Lyra. "Mama, I don't wanna go to school today…"

Lust had a weird feeling come over her and felt like there was more she could be doing to protect her beloved Al from the murderous intents of Scar and Wrath.

She lifted her hand, stretched out her fingers and…

**WFFF!**

Her fingers went jetting forward and punctured the ground near Wrath's feet. "HEY!" He shouted, but then sobered when he realized _who_ he was yelling at. "Oh, baby don't hurt me… don't hurt me… no more!" He sang really loud, going horribly off-key at the end.

Lust placed one hand on Al's chest plate and drew back her fingers, prepared to strike again. "Stay behind me, dearest."

Al just sighed. He had given up on the logic of this a long time ago. Then Scar came forward raising his right arm, and Al started shaking like a kettle at its boiling point. _'Oh, boy! Oh, boy! The arm of destruction! The arm of destruction! I don't want to be sent to a junk yard!!!'_

Wrath got a devilish grin and took a flying leap at Al and Lust. Lust stumbled on her heels and fell forward, but Scar rushed forward and caught her before she hit the ground.

"TIN CAN!" Wrath screeched, trying to cause more dents in his armour. "Stay AWAY from Lust or I'll steal your oil can!"

Al paused. "… I don't have an oil can…"

Wrath stopped slashing at him momentarily. "You don't? Then how come you don't rust?"

"… I don't know…"

"… … … WHATEVER!!" Wrath shook his head back and forth, the small bit of intellectual thinking causing a shock to his system. "You don't have what it takes to support a girl like Lust! Unlike her _Wrathy_."

"I. DON'T. WANT. TO. What is so difficult about this?!"

Wrath scoffed. "Oh, so she's not GOOD enough for you?!" He shook his fist at him. "Why would she want _you_ anyway? You're not even a man!"

Al looked at him. "Well… I _am_ older than you, Wrath…"

Wrath started throwing a hissy fit. "YOU'RE STILL NOT A MAN! If you were then you'd have hair growing all over your you know what!"

"WHAT?!"

Wrath paused, his finger going limp. "UGH! YOU IDIOT! I meant on your armpits!"

"… ohhhh."

Lust glared up at Scar as he towered over her. "Stay away from me, scarred-man. Alphonse is the one I love."

Scar took a step forward and Lust stepped back. "What you said before was right. I've never been able to kill you…"

"What are you talking about?" Lust took another step back and Scar advanced.

"There was a time when I looked at you as the reflection of someone else, but…" He took yet another step forward. "Not anymore. You are your own being."

Lust took another step back and found herself up against a tree.

"So…" His eyes narrowed, red eyes blazing with determination. "I don't care WHAT you think of me…" Lust leaned further against the tree. "Only I can protect you!" He shot forward and firmly embraced her against the tree, pressing her lush, curvy body against his hard chest.

"UGH!" Lust pushed against his chest, trying to wiggle free. "LET. ME. GO!" But he wouldn't. He placed one of his hands into her thick hair and pushed her gently against his chest.

"See?" Abi stated from the centre of the group. "In this particular case. Destruction is a good thing!"

The group looked on as various amounts of tussling, groping, and cussing could be heard all in that one area. However, now there were the sounds of gunshots, alchemical shock waves, and various trees were being set ablaze.

Roy was repeatedly snapping at Gluttony with both hands as Gluttony flopped about. He dodged one of the bullets Riza shot at him, and the missile continued onward and struck Wrath in the shoulder.

"ACKKKK!" Wrath screeched bloody murder, even though he actually couldn't feel any pain. He was definitely the major of melodrama.

Ed was squirming like mad with the added weights of Lyra and Greed, who still hadn't woken up. Out of desperation, he threw his tiny canister of oil at Greed's head, but ended up missing.

So the canister went free-flying through the air and ended up smacking Sloth on the crown of her head, and cracked open. The slippery, black substance then dripped down her face, working itself into her water-based body.

Gluttony charged at Roy, clumsily dodging his bursts of fire and abruptly knocked the Flame Alchemist clean off his feet, redirecting one of his flames in another direction.

The other direction meaning towards Sloth who was pretty much a walking fuse by now.

"AAAHHHHH!! I'm on fire! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!" She screamed to no one in particular while running around and ended up tripping over her own absurdly long, evening gown and fell onto her stomach.

"SO AM I!" Gluttony leered, smacking his big fists together in triumph. "RIZA-CHAN! Let me tell you that this poor lost Gluttony LOVES YOU!"

Riza narrowed her eyes and shot him point blank in between the eyes.

Roy sniffed the air. Uh oh, he smelt smoke. Roy raced to where the smoke was coming from and saw Sloth on fire!

"MY LAZY LOVER!" Roy sailed across the field and in a swashbuckling fashion, freed Sloth from her suffering by trying to put out the flames… with his feet. Since given the time period, the idea of 'stop, drop, and roll' hadn't been invented quite yet.

"Ow! Oh! Ow! Eee!" Sloth squeaked as Roy did an impromptu dance all over her. When he was done, she raised her head, which had black soot on it.

"Argh…" Sloth's eyes crossed before she fainted. Fortunately for her, other than that, she was none the worse for wear.

"Oh my poor, _Slothy_…" Roy murmured softly as he crouched down and held his smoky, love-homunculus in his arms.

She coughed a few times as she came to after just a few minutes. "Ich… _bleah_…" She looked up at him and weakly smiled. "Oh, Roy-kun. I love you even though you stomped all over me."

"What an unfortunate series of events." Abi clicked her tongue a couple of times, shaking her head at the odd bunch. "Well… this certainly brings a new meaning to the phrase _love hurts_."

Everyone around her sighed.

"You know something, Win-chan. Honey is _not_ alcohol."

"I KNOW THAT!" Winry huffed, crossing her arms over her breasts. _'Who knows? Maybe it is! This is a place where weird sorts of alchemy happen, right? All I want is just enough to get me through this… PLEASE!'_

Winry was walking along the shore of the lake with Envy following only a few steps behind her, quite enjoying the way her hips innocently swayed with each of her steps.

She finally stopped, and twisted on her heel, lightly swaying in place as she gazed out at the water, and the trail the moon made on its surface. Envy stopped as well, but stood a few inches behind her. "So tell me, Envy-sama… how did you know about this place?"

Envy shifted his eyes away from her silky hair and gazed out at the lake. "Even someone like me needs a place of solitude at times…" He had the feeling deep inside that he should shut the hell up already, but he couldn't around her.

"… it must get lonely…" She stated quietly, still with her back to him.

Envy shrugged. "Ah, ya get used to it. The others have their groups, though I'm the one stuck doing all the dirty work." Wasn't there a time when he actually took pleasure in that sole factor? Weird.

_'He's an outcast… just like…' _Winry kept her gaze fixated calmly on the lake's surface. The breeze worked its way into her loose hair, blowing it melodically. She hadn't bothered to put it back up, knowing perfectly well that Envy would just find new, _creative_ ways to pull it back out.

Envy was reaching out to touch her long, shiny hair when she shifted out of reach, unbeknownst to the whole account.

… &$&#!!

Literally and figuratively. He really, _really_ wanted to.

Winry folded her hands behind her back, blocking his _view_. "Homunculi… they're created from failed human transmutations, so… I wonder who you were…"

He smirked, although she couldn't see it. She would _never_ believe him if he told her. Especially about the technical blood-ties, which just at the thought made him want to vomit his guts out.

Envy turned a mischievous expression on her. Casually, he nudged her, watching with unusual satisfaction as she toppled over into the lake with a surprised, flustered shriek.

_Oi_. What was he? _Five _years old?

Grinning wickedly, he waited for her to surface. And surface she did- incredibly wet and dangerous.

"I am SO going to smack you with my fist!" She bristled.

Envy was laughing wildly before he could be persuaded otherwise. By the time he'd forced himself to calm down, Winry was already sniffling fretfully.

"Help me out, Envy-sama." she pleaded innocently, reaching out for him like a child. Envy narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"You realize, of course, that I'm _not_ about to fall for-" Here, Winry whimpered miserably, and something deep inside Envy's chest brutally protested his uncouth, abject behaviour.

"Fine!" He huffed, squatting down and extending his arm towards her. "Here, grab a hold of my ha-"

_**Splash!**_

Winry let out a tiny yelp of pure, absolute glee, sticking her hand in the air as if to claim her victory. She gave a proud huff of triumph, bouncing where she stood, soaked, happy and contagious. "And _that_, my humble audience, is why you shouldn't challenge the master!"

Envy glowered, wading his way over to her. That was uncalled for! _Unless_… "Is this your subtle way of inviting me to go skinny dipping with you, Win-chan?" A smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. "Because if so…" He reached below the surface and tugged on his skort-thingy.

"EEK! NO!" She brought her hand around and splashed water in his face. "I would never-"

"Never?" Envy inquired. "Not even for a little while?"

"No, it's… _weird_." She swam away from him towards the shore, and tried to pull herself up. Envy watched her squirm and claw at the water with a particular interest. What she _didn't_ realize is with her pants soaking wet, they were now practically transparent and hugging her generous curves quite nicely.

"Let me help you, Win." He mumbled playfully, dipping into the water. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her up until she could get a good grip on ledge. Although he'd sort of… 'forgotten' to let go, but she didn't seem to be protesting at the moment.

Winry was exhausted by now, she hadn't slept at all on the train to Dublith. She had been planning to take a nap after she'd unpacked, of which Envy had conveniently interrupted.

"Climb up." He coaxed, loosening his grip. Winry nodded slightly, and very, very quietly slid to his back as he wrapped his arms around her slender legs. What was it that humans called this particular position? A 'piggyback?'

Envy could feel her heartbeat through his drenched tights- which were even more peculiarly _tight_- then even more so as she slumped against his back, arms slipping around his neck.

Everything was so incredibly slippery, wet, and warm that he actually stumbled a bit. So much for him being so surefooted. Then, as her fingers accidentally brushed across his chest, Envy- who'd never been able to resist such temptation with this human girl so far- took a deliberate step forward, which promptly caused her to bounce against him, and press her dainty-

Winry could feel him shifting and rolled her eyes. Saying that Envy was horny was one hell of an understatement. Maybe he should find a tree to relieve his _problem_.

"Ya know…" He started all of a sudden. "Our _kids_ will really be something else."

"WHAT?!" Winry cuffed him, but he didn't even flinch.

"It's true." His grin widened, though she had a hunch he was doing so. It seemed like that's all he did half the time. "They'll be set up with two very different features that contrast quite nicely. They'll be sweet and selfless like you, but still have A LOT of spunk behind them, and a regular little mischief-maker. What else… mmm, they'll be strong, and have partial immortal life, while still being half-human…" He turned his head, grinning slyly at her. "Talk about the unexpected, _hmmm_, saucy pants?" His tongue was soon out, tracing slowly and seductively around his lips.

The look on her face was truly comical. "Woah, hold on there…" She tried to wiggle away from him, but he tightened his grip. "You're getting WAY ahead of yourse-"

He turned his head back around and laughed. "Not to mention that they'll be the product of my _magnificent _se-"

"EEEWWWWWWW!!!"

He stopped suddenly. "What?" He seriously had no clue.

Winry scoffed, tilting her head to one side. "You're picking on the wrong girl, Envy-_sama_." She added with a hint of amusement. "Even if I wanted to ruin my life- erm, I mean have a child, I _couldn't_."

Blink.

"Why?" Was she sterile? Guess these future generations didn't know how to reproduce properly…

As if _he_ was one to talk.

"Because…" She started as Envy bent down and let her climb off. "Teen pregnancy isn't exactly smiled upon these days. Besides, I'm a working girl and I need to be there to support Ed and Al whenever they need me. _If_ they need me…" She trailed off.

Ah, yes. _God_ forbid that the Fullmetal pipsqueak should be inconvenienced.

Was this girl _that_ silly and naïve? Just WHO was it that he envied, damn it!

Envy growled, startling her into taking a few steps back. "You care way too much for the midget and the tin can." He spat.

"Well, of course I do!" She yelled, balling up her fists. "They've been my best friends since childhood! They've been through so much and need at least _something_ to come back to!" Why was she stupidly revealing everything to the enemy anyway?

"I DON'T CARE!" He screamed, startling her again. "Don't you see?!" He asked, taking a few quick steps towards her, cornering her against a tree. "They don't deserve what you do for them!" He slammed his hands against the tree on either side of her.

For some reason, she didn't find him half as intimidating. _'Sheesh, bipolar much? So much for being civil…'_ Winry slipped under his arms and backed away from him. "Look, _buddy_. I don't know what the hell your problem is, but- ICK!"

In milliseconds flat, Envy was in front of her, that odd look about him again. Before she could smack him again with her wrench, he pulled her into him.

Winry's eyes widened as he leaned his head against hers, it was then that she realized how inhumanly cold he was. _'It doesn't make any sense… he has everything else: blood, internal organs… a physical heart. Yet his body is as cold as ice…' _

He pulled her tighter into him, but she was too caught up in her musings to notice or even be disgusted. _'No soul, and no emotions…'_ Winry shuddered as he seemed to be holding onto her like she was the only thing binding him to that world. _'What must it be like to live… like that.'_ Of course from her perspective, it was unheard of, as she was always bubbling over with emotions. A real emotional roller coaster, she would freely admit at times. So, she couldn't even stand to see someone like_ him_, live like that.

Hesitantly, she raised her hands and placed them on his sides, sliding them in a feather-like motion to rest on his back.

Envy drew back far enough to cover her mouth in a sweet, chaste kiss. And for once, he actually didn't feel like touching her fun areas… for a second or two.

As for her, she was going to cream whomever turned everyone into a bunch of lovesick idiots in heat.

_Just as the moon reached its pinnacle in the night sky._

* * *

**Salina:** Oh, I'm gonna puke. See? Melodramaic AND sentimental drivel. _Two_ for the price of _one_! You can all blame my muse for this… 

**Tashi:** Awwwwwwww… (and so on, and so forth). They're so cute and cuddly!

**The Plot:** YESHHH! It's almost finished! Done for! La la laaa.


	10. Chapter 9: Oddities

Here we are… there are only two more chapters left of _Love Potion Number Nine_, as it seems.

**Plot:** PHEW!

I bet you thought that things can't get any worse;)

**Disclaimer:** Chibi-san and company belong exclusively to Hiromu Arakawa and anyone else who legally makes money off of them… now that just sounds wrong. I couldn't possibly own the song because it came even before my parents' time. The only OC belongs to me, as well as this plot on crack, which is definitely what I was on when I wrote this.

What if I was to tell you that Winry stumbles upon Envy's erogenous zone?… fictively speaking.

**Love Potion Number Nine**

**Chapter 9 "Oddities"**

"OW! GET THE HELL OFF OF ME, YOU FILTHY HOMUNCULUS!!" Lyra squealed as she wildly tried to untangle herself from the mess of limbs, unbeknownst to the fact that whenever she squirmed, a certain blonde pressed up against her back was holding his hands over his privates to try and conceal a certain hormonal phenomena.

Greed shook his head a final time. "_YOU_ MOVE, WENCH! GET OFF OF EDWARD! YOU'RE SQUISHING HIM!"

"_ME_?" Lyra growled in the back of her throat and smacked him upside the head, for what must have been the umpteenth time since he jumped them. "I CAN'T move an inch! Your elbow is jammed in my stomach!" She went to take another swing at his head, but ended up bouncing back against Ed. _Hard_.

"Hnn…" A dark blush spread across Ed's cheeks as the weight on top of him seemed to increase what should have been an enjoyable moment with Lyra _alone_. If not for that damn, stupid Greed. However, unlike before, Ed could actually stop and think about it. Of course, the more Ed thought, the more ludicrous the whole situation seemed. He loved Lyra and she loved him. Then Greed, the stupid bastard, much to Ed's dismay and confusion, loved him. It was one very $#&#$ up love triangle.

"DAMN IT, YOU JERK! GET OFF ME NOW! YOU'RE HURTING ED! He's still the smallest here!" Lyra screamed.

Ed's eyebrow twitched.

"STOP FLAILING AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT! YOU'RE GOING TO CRUSH HIS LITTLE BONES!!"

Ed's ears perked up. Wasn't there something he was supposed to say… right about… _now_?

… … … wait a minute!

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MICROSCOPIC FLEA WHO WOULD HAVE TO LOOK UP TO SEE THE TOP OF A BOTTLE CAP?!?!"

Greed and Lyra just stared back at him.

Roy smacked his fist into his palm. "I hope you're prepared to meet your maker!" He brought his hand forth and placed his index finger and thumb in preparation for what would be _the_ _final showdown_.

In fact, they were pretty sure a tumbleweed rolled past.

Gluttony shifted on his feet, flexing his chubby digits.

"You better not lose, Roy." Riza folded her arms over her breasts and narrowed her eyes expectantly.

"He won't." Sloth stated while brushing herself off, causing bits of ash to fall off in clumps from her matted hair. She looked down at her dress and sighed, finally giving up. Seeing as her dress was covered with stains and burnt to a crisp on her back.

"I _SAID_ MOVE IT, TRASH CAN! I've got to get back to my MAMACITA!"

"Now that's getting personal! KNOCK IT OFF!" Al held up his hands, blocking Wrath's tiny fists with ease, causing Wrath to scream out in frustration.

"TAKE THAT!" Wrath drew back his foot and kicked Al as hard he could in his steel shins. He froze in mid-stride as his eyes started to burn.

Al sighed. He knew what was coming. Why was it that _everybody_ had to learn this the hard way?

"OOOOOWWWWWW!!! OWIE! OWIE! OWIE!" Wrath hopped around on one foot before falling backwards onto his rump, sticking the whole front of his foot in his mouth. "OHHH, Mama mia!"

"Wrath…" Al sighed once again, this time in exasperation. "You're a _homunculus_. You CAN'T feel pain." Well, everything else that had transpired here was far from the norm. He'd even heard them singing, which would most likely haunt him for the rest of his life.

"SHUDDUP!" Wrath flailed about until a spectacle behind Al caught the better half of his already short attention span. He immediately flushed deep red and jumped up onto his feet and pointed an accusing finger, though it seemed funny that his foot didn't hurt anymore. "HEY! GET AWAY FROM LUST!"

Even though Lust was trying her damn hardest to push herself away, Scar wouldn't let up.

"LOOK AT ME, DAMN IT! I'M NOT INVISIBLE! JUST WAIT TILL I GET OLDER! NO GIRL WILL BE ABLE TO RESIST _ME_!!" He trembled with frustration before transforming his arm into a drill and charged at Scar, who wasn't even aware that the enraged little homunculus existed. He headed in a straight line, not giving a damn if he had to crash right through Al, and slid in between his legs. However, the drill's point he had carelessly forgotten to retract caught Al's right leg, tripping him backwards.

**THUD!**

"OWWW!! SON OF A- ELRIC! YOU _BASTARD_!!" Wrath screeched at the top of his lungs and tried to wiggle out. Which proved to be impossible since the only thing free were his arms as the rest of his body had been crushed by Al's fall. "MOVE IT! I HAVE TO HELP LUST!!"

"I'm trying!" Al did his best to reason as he tried to pick himself up, but every time he did, Wrath would squirm like mad and end up tripping him all over again, and he would be once again sitting with all his weight on poor Wrath.

"OWIIEEEE! MY BACK, MY BACK! YOU BROKE MY BACK!" Wrath screamed as he pounded in fists on the ground in a mini-tantrum.

Al shook his head. What was so difficult about remembering what he was anyway? "… so? Grow a new one."

"LET GO!" Lust growled for what must have been several dozen times since Scar had pulled her into a tight embrace. "What's wrong with you?! Get a hold of yourself!" She felt her fingers itching to spring forth.

He didn't. Instead, he pulled her lush body harder against him, if that was possible, and buried his face into her hair, trying to breathe in a scent that couldn't possibly exist. "You don't have to do this anymore…"

"What are you going on about now?!" Lust snapped while trying to pull her hand free.

"I'll make a real Philospher's Stone… so you don't have to fight anymore… and you can live your _own_ life…" He brought his hand up and twirled her indigo hair within his rough fingers. Perhaps how he had treated her before was unfair when she was forced to live in the shadow of a woman she didn't even know…

He drew back just enough to gaze into her lilac eyes, before his red eyes slid down to her lips. Her full, perfect lips which were now drawn up into a pout as she tried her best to shift. Gradually he felt himself dipping down to her as she just began to notice their close proximity and started to panic. _'INFIDELITY!'_ Her mind screamed just as he brushed over her lips softly with his own, before covering them fully.

Meanwhile a few feet away, Al had finally been able to pull himself up. However, Wrath was still on the ground, waiting for his back to piece itself back together. "Don't do it, Lust! What about your little LATINO HEAT?!" Wrath half-pleaded, half-screamed in anger at the audacity of the Ishbalan. "Don't choose _him_! Choose ME!… … … LUST! WILL YOU MARRY ME?!"

"Did someone say the magical phrase?" Abi chirped. "A wedding? I LOVE WEDDINGS! I wonder how many happy couples… or threesomes will get hitched after today?!" She wondered, taking Mustang's 'arrangement' into careful consideration. "To think. Today we may just witness the first ever human/homunculus marriage today! Possibly even a whole bunch!"

Everyone else in the group shuddered at the thought. _'Poor Alphonse and Winry-san…'_ Izumi thought to herself with a passive expression. Even Den sucked in his tail as far between his legs as it could go.

Winry breathed a sigh of relief when Envy had abruptly pulled away slightly, but still had his arms wrapped securely around her waist. Leaning as far away from him as she possibly could, she hesitantly lifted up her gaze to meet his, but tilted her head in confusion.

His eyes were shifting from side to side, as the brilliant colour of his orbs seemed to flicker ominously.

"What's wrong with you?" She asked. This was certainly new.

"This feeling for you… I can't explain it…" Envy's eyes were troubled, as if he was trying to express something that was bigger than himself.

'_Oh, god…'_ Winry struggled even more and looked in a completely different direction while his eyes were set firmly on her. Right now she wished she hadn't have dropped her wrench… ah, forget the wrench, she needed a damn sledgehammer for this guy! "Really, that's okay!" She looked up at a branch above her. She suddenly found that robin's nest very interesting.

"So, this is what it's like to feel… and be happy too…" Envy murmured.

"Uh huh…" What pretty baby, blue eggs those were.

"The only things I've known for so long were jealousy and hatred towards humans… everyone and everything really." Though he knew even that was an understatement.

"Sure, I've thought about solving world hunger…" Really cute eggs. How many were there? Three? Four perhaps?

"Winry… there isn't a lot of time left…" What was this? It was more than the physical closeness that he felt with this little slip of a woman-child. It was just… her.

"I agree, the weather has been unseasonably warm lately…" There were definitely four little eggs.

"I…" Envy let his hands slip back just to rest upon Winry's slim waist.

"Huh?" Whoops, was he STILL talking? Where was the Mama of those eggs?

"I… _I love you_!"

"… … … _HUH_?!" Envy said nothing, but as she dropped her even more confused expression to his, he locked eyes with her. "WHOA! Wait- wait- wait a second!" She racked her body as much as she could and _finally_ ripped herself away from his grasp. "Look! You're under a SPELL of some sort!" She raised her hands, trying her best to try and reason with him. "PLEASE believe me! You're going to be unbelievably pissed when you finally snap out of it, and-… what are you doing NOW?!"

Envy had placed both of his hands on his headband and was easing it off. He then slowly took a few steps towards her and closed the gap she had just tried to make. She was anchored to the spot and looking up at him pensively as he slipped it over her head, then pulled her hair free and replaced it over her own forehead.

He looked at her for a moment, before bringing his index finger forth and lightly curled her side bangs over the material. "… sorry…" He muttered so quietly she barely caught it, but before she could question him further, he leapt backwards a few feet away from her.

* * *

Izumi and the others blinked a few times as they watched the frozen bunch in front of them in dead silence. It was as if someone had zapped them all with a tazer, and now they were crazy glued to the spot, minus the sparks and convulsions. And like before, their eyes were glazed over and looked like empty pools of liquid colour. 

It seemed like the spell had _finally_ worn off, but still…

This was going to be bad.

Ed was the first to begin stirring, but for some reason, he couldn't move his arms or his legs, _or _his entire body for that matter. He blinked the lifeless expression out of his eyes a few times and squinted, trying to refocus them.

His eyes widened beyond normal capacity when he saw Lyra… and GREED sprawled out on top of him!

"WH- WHAT THE #$&$?! G-GET THE HELL OFF ME!!" He flailed his arms as much as he could, jarring certain other parties awake.

Lyra mumbled a few words of incoherent nothingness as she stretched out. Her vision seemed to clear and she realized a few things; one there was a breeze on her chest, Ed was beneath her, pressed against her back with his hands grazing her chest and- and one of her sensei's 'employees' was slumped on her stomach. And HE was wasn't wearing a shirt either!

_'OH, MY GOD! WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I DO?' _Her eyes grew with revulsion and shock as she jumped up, tossing the still slumped Greed haphazardly onto the ground.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Lyra screamed at both of them, her fists clenched so tightly by her sides that the muscles cracked. Then since Ed was the only one who was actually conscious, she turned her fury on him. "EDWARD ELRIC!!"

"HOW DARE _ME_?!" Ed jumped up and jabbed an accusing finger in her face. "I was just minding my own business! You two were squeezing the life out of ME!"

Lyra's hand shot up to muffle her startled gasp. Never had anyone accused her of such a vile and disgusting act! "I- I thought you were better than that! To think, I actually admired YOU!" She was shaking right now and hadn't even noticed that her dress was still open and slipping down her body.

Ed stumbled back a foot, his hand wavering as he pointed at Lyra's full frontal exhibition as he flushed scarlet. "W- would you COVER UP? What's the_ matter_ with you?!"

Lyra looked down at herself and gave a sharp yelp. "EEEEEEK!" She shrieked even louder as she pulled up the front of her blouse. "PERVERTED, LITTLE MAN!"

Greed was finally awake enough to cuss extremely loudly, alerting the other two of his presence. "Owww, my #&#$ head…" He sat up, rubbing the back of it. When he finally opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Lyra's still partially exposed chest. "Well, toots, I just don't get you." He started out coyly. "First you attack me, causing me to lose the Philosopher's Stone, and NOW you're trying to entice me by flaunting your rack at me." He finally pulled himself onto his feet and smirked at her in his old, voyeuristic way.

"Not on your life, Mister!" Lyra huffed, trying to cover her chest as much as she could. "You men are all alike. You all have the uncanny ability to confuse your balls with your brains!"

The same types of confused sounds and snippy comments could be heard from a few other parties, especially Wrath, who was screaming at the top of his lungs. "WHO BROKE MY BACK?! I'LL KILL THEM!" Not like anyone would answer.

Al peeked out from behind the tree, heavily praising whatever miracle had taken place when he saw that the homunculi's orbs were back to their old stoic selves and that everyone else's mushy expressions had gone back to normal.

"Looks like the spell has ended…" Izumi stated, but the overwhelming relief could even be heard in _her_ voice. "And it looks like they can't remember anything from when this whole thing started… thank god for that." Though her expression hinted towards a bit of amusement.

Abi sighed in disappointment. However, even her cub seemed to be relieved.

"It's strange…" Pinako crossed her arms behind her back as she looked over everyone's faces. "Just like that… they snapped out of it."

Abi hopped up onto her feet, dusting the dirt off of her skirt. "It must be the cause of a miracle or some kind of supernatural phenomena!" There just couldn't be any other explanation!

Izumi looked up at the sky, her eyes fixating on the full moon's present location. The old enchantress woman was obsessed with romance, correct? She smirked. "I see… there's nothing to it. _Valentine's Day is over_."

"… ohhh." Abi rubbed the back of her head a bit sheepishly. "Well… that makes sense."

In the distance, they heard the shrill sound of a woman screaming like it was the end of the world. Of course, Izumi and Abi were smirking, knowing exactly who it was.

Abi's ruby eyes twinkled over thoughtfully. "I still think that some of these strange groupings would have made really cute couples…" Everyone stared at her. "What? It's true!… stop looking at me like that!"

"I'm just glad it's over." Mason removed his white headband and actually had to ring the sweat out of it before slapping it back on.

Abi didn't even try to hide the mischievous little smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. "Unfortunately, they'll remember everything."

"WHAT?!" Mason exclaimed.

"It's true…" Although she remained relatively incoherent, she looked like she was cackling on the inside. "Give or take a few minutes for everything to catch up to them."

Izumi massaged her temple, knowing that she was in for a major migraine in just a little while "… _everything_?"

"_Everything_."

Pinako returned her gaze back to the confused bunch. "Better start booking the therapy appointments in advance then…"

* * *

Ed's mind still felt a bit muddy by that point, but he had the feeling that he had forgotten something. He looked around at each of the other occupants; at his brother, the homunculi, Mustang, Hawkeye, Scar, and then at the group hanging out on the sidelines. They seemed to be anticipating something or another. That's right, they were all in the same area, tracking down… what else? The Philosopher's Stone, but then it got shattered by none other than… himself, then… 

His head swivelled over to Greed whose eyes were suddenly absurdly wide and he looked about ready to keel over on the spot. Then he remebered _exactly_ what Greed had tried to do!

"YOU #$#& PERVERTED BASTARD!!!" Ed screeched and whipped forth his arm, transmuting it into a blade and charged at him until…

"AARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!! I'M _RUINED_!!" Greed hollered and fell on his knees in agony. "EWWW! To think I wanted _YOU_!" He buried his face in his hands, shaking his head back and forth.

Ed halted abruptly, still posed to sink his blade deep in Greed's skull. "Oh, no you don't!" Ed yelled out in frustration. "_You _don't get to be pissed off! _I'm_ the one who gets to freak out!!"

"W- what will my group think of me…" It dawned on Greed as he gazed up into nothingness. "I'm supposed to be their leader! They'll succumb to mutiny for sure! I've been soiled by a puny _human_!!"

"PUNY?!" Ed shook, fighting back the urge to decapitate him on the spot. "_You_ don't cry! _I_ cry!"

"A- and now…' Greed's eyes widened absurdly once again. "Now everyone's going to think that _me_ of all people… is GAY!"

Lyra, who had been looking back and forth between them since they started screaming, decided to enter the conversation with a quiet. "Not that it's a crime…"

"What the hell are you talking about, WOMAN?!" Greed shook his fist at her. "I AM GREED! Flamboyant, _esteemed_ WOMANIZER of Amestris!"

"Make that kind of remark again and I'll whiddle you down to two legs instead of three!" Lyra huffed before sticking her nose up in the air and stalked off, shaking her fanny. "I hope I never see you again, Edward Elric." She called over her shoulder. Unfortunately for her, the statement was ignored entirely because Ed was busy thinking up of appropriate ways to cut up Greed and dispose of the pieces.

Just as Gluttony was about to maul over Mustang again, reality snapped back to him and he felt completely lost. "Wh-where… where's Lust?" He stuck his fingers in his mouth and looked around, though the only familiar face he saw was Sloth. At least that was something, but still… "Where's my Lust?!" He cried out and began hobbling around.

But before he could begin his search, someone else was blocking his path. It was Hawkeye and she looked pissed off beyond compare when it dawned on her where the gluttonous heap of flesh had been _anatomy-wise_. She looked down at herself in horror for a moment as if to emphasize before slamming her knee hard into Gluttony's gut. "You disgusting, fat tub of lard!" She yelled, but the scary part was her ever so calm demeanour. "I'LL KILL YOU!" She pulled out her gun and began to open fire on the homunculus as he high-tailed it out of there, though most of the bullets bounced right off of his blubbery body. He had to find Lust! She would make it all better!

Sloth froze on the spot, muttering about her misfortune of 'associating' with a _human_. "If this gets back to the master, I'll never live it down." She moaned, looking both ways. Without another thought, she liquefied her entire form and skidded away.

Mustang stood with his hands on his hips, his foot tapping in irritation as he scowled at nothing in particular. He couldn't believe it! He had TWO women at his disposal for all that time and he didn't even DO anything?! He was a disgrace to the male anatomy, and even Havoc would get a good laugh out of this. He growled and through his fists up in the air. "I will NOT let that dateless, overgrown PUTZ get the better of ME!" He yelled out into the empty space.

A spider that was innocently spinning its web nearby rolled its eyes.

Wrath was looking around in confusion, he still wasn't sure EXACTLY what happened… maybe his 'mommy' could explain it to him?

Just then Sloth's cascade went by and he called out to her. "Wrath?" Her head poked out of the puddle before she reformed into her physical body. "Is everything alright?"

Wrath had a weird expression on his face as he walked up to her. "Yeah, but… it's weird…" Sloth eyed him as he was shifting back and forth, but he wouldn't let her see the front of him. "Something weird happened when I went after Lust and touched her squishy area…" Then he removed his hands from the front of his shorts and Sloth's eyes widened. "Mommy… what does this mean?"

Sloth fish mouthed.

It was in the midst of that bit of anticipated affection when the spell just started to wear off. Lust blinked a few times, but the pheromones created by the spell still had an affect on her so she shifted forward and kissed Scar back. However, as the lingering affects finally wore off, he opened his eyes and saw her, her eyes closed as he kissed her. Slowly he drew away, confused. What had happened and why was he here with this homunculus? He felt her icy skin beneath his own and he also still felt the keen arousal that had not yet been swept away.

Lust opened her eyes too, but as realization hit her, she backed away as well. She saw that the Ishbalan's eyes held confusion, as well as a hint of anger to them. She shook her head, trying to clear the fog that seemed to have settled over. "W-… what happened?" She finally asked generally.

Scar drew back fully and Lust felt… cold, colder than before. He silently walked into the clearing, looking around intently until he paused, bending down to pick up something off the ground. "What's that?" Lust asked. Scar wordlessly opened the palm of his hand towards her.

Lust's eyes widened slightly. "That's…"

"Shards of the Philosopher's Stone." He finished, tossing the pieces back onto the grass. "That was no ordinary stone you homunculi had in your possession. It was infused with some kind of foreign substance, that made everyone act this way."

Lust watched as the lingering shards fell to the ground, and in the corner of her eye, saw him start towards the path leading out of the forest. "Where will you go now?" She asked, loosely crossing her arms over her middle.

"Back to where I started." He stated blandly before picking something else off of the ground. A shimmer caught Lust's eye and she turned, partially in alarm. The silver glint of a chain glimmered as Scar held up _her_ pendant in the moonlight, though Lust remained stationary. She supposed that he could kill her if he wanted, but instead he tucked it away and started trudging down the path again.

"Aren't you going to kill me?" She questioned. It would be easy enough to do. Right now, the only thing she was trying to do was feel less woozy. It seemed that the aftermath of whatever had made her that way was taking a heavier toll on her than him.

He stopped for a moment. "To take out the enemy while they're down is the cowardly way out…" He looked at her through the corner of his eye. "One day I will fix my brother's mistake…" He trailed off as he started down the path a final time. "But not today." Lust watched him as he disappeared from sight. She was almost certain of it. Right before the spell wore off, she felt… happy and warm all at the same time…

However, the atmosphere was abruptly shattered when the ground beneath her feet started to rumble. "LUST?! WHERE ARE YOU?!" A high-pitched, panicked voice cried. Just then Gluttony came bounding around a corner. "THERE YOU ARE! LUST! ARE YOU HURT?" He hobbled to her side and began scrutinizing her appearance.

She looked at him for a moment before standing up straight, her placid expression set in place once more. "Come, Gluttony. Let's go find the others and regroup."

Winry tilted her head curiously. If Envy was acting weird before, this new development certainly put the first of his antics in its place. His eyes were glazed over and he looked like a single breath of wind could knock him clean off his feet. "Hey… you don't look so good…" She began, though slightly suspicious. He had done some pretty odd things before, so what was stopping him this time?

Hesitantly, she took a few quiet steps forward until she was directly in front of him. "Hey…" She snapped her fingers in front of his face once, but he didn't budge an inch. Though she had a bad feeling about this, human curiosity got the better of her. "Youuu hooo! Is there ANYONE home?" She waved her hand in front of his face, and still got zero response. Hell, she even knocked on his head a few times, and didn't even get a twitch.

She took one step back and crossed her arms, popping out her hip in irritation. That was until an idea struck her, and she cupped her hands around her mouth. "_OI_! PALM TREE BOY!"

_That_ got something.

Envy slowly blinked and dipped his head down in her direction, though his eyes were still thickly glazed over. However, given a few seconds, the look disappeared as he blinked the rest of the cloudiness away. Though he felt like he was suffering from the hangover of the century. As his eyes refocused, the first thing he saw was that human girl. _Fullmetal's_ girl.

Winry drew back as he stared a hole right through her. A part of her was thankful that his previously mushy expression had disappeared, but then again, that also meant…

Unwillingly, she forced herself to spare a glance into his eyes, and sapphire met amethyst. The majority of what his eyes held was confusion, but then they narrowed in a dangerous manner. "What the hell is going on here?! Where are we?!" Though it was a rhetorical question in his case, after a moment passed, but he kept his eyes intensely glowered on her.

"W- well…" Inevitably, she felt a wave of fear wash over her. "Y- you see, um-"

"Ah, stop your snivelling, wench, and ANSWER ME!"

She snapped up at his bluntness and planted her feet firmly, sending his own glare right back at him. "Why are you looking at me that way? It's not MY fault! YOU'RE the one who brought me here in the first place!"

Envy placed his hands on his hips, tilting his head as if she was a out of her mind. "No way. Why would I do something like _that_?"

"YOU DID!" Winry pointed an accusing finger at him. "Just think about it!"

He frowned and narrowed his eyes for a moment. The last thing he remembered before waking up here with Fullmetal's little 'joy ride' was the brat smashing that red stone to smithereens, then- his eyes widened a fraction. Wait a minute, He _had_ did all this.

"W- what the hell's going on HERE!!" He flushed out of pure anger as the memories flooded into his mind at an alarming rate. Winry shifted uncomfortably. "I- _I_ was prancing around like some stinking human BRAT! I went off about- about _KIDS_?!" Ah yes, that was every guy's WORST nightmare, no?

He looked down at his hands which were shaking with rage. He had actually had FUN with this _human_ wench! _Edward's_ wench!

"Well…" Winry rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. "In all fairness, you weren't yourse-"

He growled, gritting his sharp teeth menacingly, effectively cutting her off. "I _HATE _HUMANS!" He screamed upwards, ignoring her attempts to reason with him entirely. "THEY'RE STUPID, VILE AND WEAK!!"

Winry blinked sceptically at him as he continued screaming at himself and yelling a fairly clever and colourful line of obscenities.

She frowned at his malicious overview of humans. _'Oh, yeah, and homunculi are MUCH better.'_ She thought sarcastically, turning the other way. _'Soulless wonders… more like a growing concern.' _She spared him one last glance. At least he seemed to be beating only himself up, which was _fine_ by her. Though she found herself smirking at his melodramatic hysterics.

Discreetly, she turned on her heel as he actually started hitting himself on the head screaming. "What's the MATTER with me?!" And took her chance to quietly tiptoe away and sidle in behind a tree. She was surprised that he hadn't started ripping his hair out. Now _that_ would be amusing.

At least that meant she was okay for the time being.

* * *

Izumi and the others watched as the final traces of the homunculi and the Ishbalan disappeared from sight, leaving only Ed, Al, and the two military personnel. "It seems that things have more or less gone back to normal." 

Pinako nodded. "Yes, but where are Edward and Alphonse?"

"RIGHT HERE!" Al's high-pitched voice chirped out.

The group turned as Al walked up carrying his brother in his arms. Ed was shaking in an almost frightening manner while muttering 'the horror' over and over again. "Over here!" Al beckoned for Mustang and Hawkeye to come over as well and Izumi grimaced. Carefully, Al placed him on the ground and sat next to him as Den came up and playfully licked Ed on the cheek. Which seemed to bring him out of his state of shock.

"Just what the hell happened?" Mustang snapped, standing a few feet away from the group. Hawkeye looked over at him, taking note the he was being much more snippy with people than usual. But why?

"I think someone else would be better fit to explain it." Izumi stated dully before moving to one side. Abi stood grinning lopsidedly at the group.

Ed cocked his eyebrow as he slouched over on one side. "What the hell do you call _that_?"

"NII-SAN! Don't be rude!" Al shook his head. Someone _really _needed to teach his brother proper manners at times. Especially around his elders.

Surprisingly, Abi had nothing to say about that remark and just crossed her arms. "My oh my. Now aren't we upset, _little man_?" Ed's brow twitched. "Guess you're a bit worn out. You had quite the… rough day, didn't you?"

Ed reddened furiously. "LISTEN HERE, YOU CROOKED, OLD-"

"NII-SAN!" Al reached out and pulled him back from pummelling the woman into the ground. "CALM! _BE_ CALM! Let's just hear her out."

"Hmmm…" Abi's face softened a touch. "You're a rather nice lad, if I may say so."

Al shrugged sheepishly. "Please excuse Nii-san, he's just a bit… reaction-oriented at times-"

"DON'T TALK TO HER, AL! SHE'S WEIRD-"

"Are you two going to keep talking all day…" Izumi glared daggers down at them. "Or are we going to have to do this the hard way? How would you like your trap glued shut for starters, Edward?" She lifted up her fist, cracking her knuckles in promise.

In an instant, Ed was sitting up, staring up at Abi intently.

"Well…" Abi cleared her throat and placed her finger on her chin. "Basically, that 'Philosopher's Stone' that you were all trying to get your mits on was a fake. Courteous of yours truly. It was infused with endorphins to make you all fall _madly_ in love with the first person you saw. I had my… reasons for which are none of your concern, but then a few knuckleheads- _you_ being one of them…" Ed grimaced irritably. "Then of course, _you_ tripped and smashed the stone into pieces and spread the powder all over everyone."

Ed slapped his hands on the ground. "It wasn't MY fault! It was Wrath's! He blind-sighted me!"

"Well, Nii-san…" Al began cautiously. "You DID blindly charge at the enemy. You should have been more aware."

"I couldn't SEE anything until that Envy, BASTARD moved out of the frickin' way!"

"AND you shouldn't be so rash-"

"SHUSH, ALREADY!" the Elrics looked up as Abi had her hand pressed against her forehead. "Aiy yai yai! Is there a time when you two AREN'T at each others throats?!" Dead silence. "What's the big friggin' deal? It's over now."

"Yeah…" Ed lay back on the ground and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, _actually_…" Al stood up and sidled a few inches away.

Ed pushed himself up on his elbows. "What's up, Al?"

"I- it's just…" Al gave a quick, covert glance at Izumi. She folded her arms across her chest, raising an eyebrow at him expectantly.

"Aw, what NOW?" Ed pulled himself off the ground, giving his brother a side glance.

"Well, it's Winry…" Al began nervously.

Ed nodded slowly, as if trying to get him to form more than just a few words. "Yeaaah. What about her?"

"She was still here when all of this happened. Except I didn't let her get affected by the spell."

At that, Ed turned to face him. "She was…? So then, where is she?" He looked around for a moment, expecting to get clocked by her wrench any second.

"That's just it. She…" He saw Pinako looking at him intently. This was WAY too much pressure!

"_She_…" Ed motioned for him to spit it out. "She WHAT, Al?"

"She was kidna- not really kidnapped, but someone DID take her away…" Ed's eyes widened. "Someone who was affected and you know… really, _really wanted_ her."

Pinako gasped and Ed took a few furious steps towards his brother. "WHO, Al? Who was it?!" He gripped onto Al's metal arms.

And the first part was actually the easy one. "Um… well, you know him." Al started timidly.

"Yeah, I gathered…" Ed stared up him, making Al slightly quiver at the intensity in his golden orbs.

"And you really, _really_, REALLY don't like him!"

"God damn it, Al! SPIT IT OUT!"

"IT WAS _ENVY_!"

Ed's grip went slack as he slid his hands off of him. "I tried to stop him, Nii-san. Really, I did, but you know how strong that homunculus is."

However, Ed's thoughts were on something else. "The affects of the stone have worn off… that psychopath will be back to normal like everyone else." His eyes widened as the most morbid scenarios went through his head. _'He could hurt her, even kill her if he wanted to.' _Even worse was the definite possibility that the twisted homunculus would… molest her at least. His breath hitched in his throat.

Al looked away, feeling partially responsible. He then noticed Den sniffing around at the entrance to the path, and started to travel down it. "Hey, boy!" He jogged up to him. "What's the matter?"

He stopped momentarily to sniff the air, whining a few times before something else made him growl in the back of his throat.

"He's been doing that since he got here." Mason put.

Something seemed to click in Ed's mind and he blinked once, turning his head slowly in Den's direction. Quietly, he came up behind him and placed his flesh hand on the dog's head. "You smell her, don't you boy?" He whispered down to him, bending over to his level and kept his gaze towards the distance. Den wagged his tail in his direction and barked once. "I knew it. Of course you do…" He stood back up to face the group as Den started down the hill. "He's got Winry's scent. I'm going after her." He stated, pulling his gloves on tightly, flexing his fingers.

"Alright." Al walked up to him, having not caught onto his brother's drift.

Ed weakly smiled up at him. This was going to be hell in a jar. "Al, I want you to stay here."

"WHAT?! No, Nii-san. What if something happens? That homunculus is strong. REALLY strong-"

"You're going alone, Edward?" Izumi stepped forward, saving him a lot of grief. "That's not wise at all. The other homunculi could-"

"I'll be fine." Ed turned back towards the pathway, before Al or anyone else could protest further. "Besides, I have a score to settle with that homunculus for what he did to me back at Lab Five." He broke into a run, catching up to Den as they both sprinted down the path. "Alright, Den. Lead the way!"

* * *

Wrath curiously blinked a few times, trying to figure out exactly what he was seeing. "Whatcha doin'?" He finally asked. 

Pride blinked once and slowly swivelled his head to look behind him. Lust, Gluttony, Sloth and Wrath were standing a couple feet behind him, wearing equal looks of confusion and curiosity. Although it was to be expected when the Fuhrer of Amestris was hunched over on his hands and knees on the grass.

"How come you're playin' in the mud? Ain't you a little old for that?" He continued, cocking his head to one side.

Pride turned his head back around and grimaced. What a ridiculous assumption! He dropped his gaze back down in front of him, and into the pond.

Er, then what _had_ he been doing?

"Pride…" Sloth stepped forth, breaking his odd obsession with his reflection. "The mission was unsuccessful. We must report back to _you know who_, and tell her of our failure."

Wrath looked back and forth between them. "Hey, how come we have to refer to her as 'you know who' when no one else is around, huh?"

A wolf howled in the background.

"Our master will be upset." Pride finally spoke up, as well as picking himself up off the ground. "Is there anything left of the fake Philosopher's Stone that we can salvage?"

Sloth shook her head. "No, but it wouldn't be much good to us anyway. That woman working for our master had already tampered with it."

"And she didn't even suspect a thing…" Lust muttered under her breath. The others turned to her, looking at her strangely.

"Lust, what's wrong?" Gluttony asked, worriedly brushing the tips of her fingers.

"Hmmm…" She lowered her lilac eyes down to her companion, looking over his troubled eyes for a moment. "Nothing at all, Gluttony." She titled her gaze upwards, a distant look in her eyes.

There was that doubt again. Right before the spell wore off, she had felt… something. And for the briefest of moments when Scar had kissed her, she felt… whole, for the first time in her life. But… their master had said that homunculi are incapable of having emotions, right? Perhaps it was just the lingering affects the potion had on her… still, a part of her was greatly refuting that theory.

It puzzled her to no end. Could homunculi feel love, or emotions yet?

No!

Yes!

No!

Yes!

Uh… maybe?

"Lust! Wakie, wakie!" Gluttony was shaking her by the hand, trying to snap her out of it.

Wrath placed is finger on his chin, until an idea struck him. He grinned evilly as a thought popped into his head. "Hey, Lust!" She finally pulled herself out of her internal conflict and looked at him. "I just remembered…" His little grin widened as he started snickering. "You never did say _no_ when I proposed to you!"

Lust's eyebrow twitched dangerously as she glared down murderously at him. "Why you little brat!!" She took a step forward, but Gluttony held her back by the waist.

"LUST! Please relax!" He pleaded with her.

Sloth looked at her oddly. "What's wrong with you? You're usually not so brazen in this way."

"Hee hee. She's just mad because she was all over Fullmetal's little brother." Wrath snickered and Lust growled. "Ewww, I would be too if I licked a trash can!"

Lust gaped at him. "What are you talking about? I did no such thing!" Though she tried to get her wavering voice back to a calm, melodious rate.

Pride looked the other way and cleared his throat. "We should be heading back to our Master's base now and tell her what has happened." He stated and began walking away.

Well, this was no fun. Wrath decided as Lust didn't seem to be as angry anymore. He folded his arms behind his head and huffed, following closely behind Sloth until he realized something was missing.

He stopped suddenly, dropping his hands back down to his sides. "Hey, has anyone seen Envy?" He asked.

Lust shrugged, but Sloth turned to him. "I'm sure he's fine. He'll catch up to us later."

Wrath looked backwards. "Ah, I'm gonna go look for him." He turned towards the incline back down the hill.

"I wouldn't if I were you." Lust stated nonchalantly as she continued at a steady pace. "_If _he had it as bad as us, he will not be very pleasant to be around." Now _that_ was the understatement of the century.

"Yeah…" Gluttony quivered as he grabbed onto the edge of her dress. "Envy's _scawy _when he's mad!"

Wrath shrugged as he continued down the path. It would probably be nothing worse than what's happened to all of them before during one of his tantrums.

* * *

Winry edged over to the side of the tree and peaked backwards. The area where the rampaging homunculus had been was now empty. It seemed that he got bored and finally left. Winry turned back and breathed a sigh of relief, as it seemed the cost was clear. 

Just as she started to make a break for it, a certain someone's form jumped in front of her, and she stumbled back in alarm. "YOU!" She soon sobered, anger overriding fear. "STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

Envy was taken aback. In all of his four hundred years, he had never encountered someone who was so willing to talk back to him without any mind of the consequences. Not even stupid Greed. Unexpected, but amusing all the same, he found himself wondering just what would make her squirm in fear and cry out her worst nightmare. "No. Not until I get some answers." His mouth slowly curled into a sadistic smile. "Besides, I've waited a long time to get… acquainted with _Fullmetal's_ little tramp."

"What?" She stiffened with indignation at the derogatory name. "Who do you think you are?!"

He said nothing, just tilted his head to the side. His eyes drifted up and down her body, obviously pleased with what he saw. She followed his gaze down and gave a sharp, "Eep!" and pulled up her pants. Without her jacket, the loose material easily slid down. However, she saw him take one step forward and immediately snapped her attention back to him. "What are you…?" Though she kept her feet firmly in place, refusing to be intimidated. He reached forward and lifted a strand of hair from her shoulder, threading through the locks.

Winry swallowed and tried to keep her breath even. From his position, it would be easy enough for him to rip out her throat. She shuddered when he felt the icy tips of his fingers trail down her cheek, and despite her efforts, she shrank back a step, desperate for some space between them. However, every step that she took, Envy followed calmly, his eyes taunting her as he echoed her movements. That was until she felt her back press up against the tree she had previously been hiding behind.

Damn these trees. Who the hell keeps putting them here?!

He placed his hands on either side of her as he leered down, daring her to make a move. Winry pulled back as far as she could, the bark painfully digging into her back, but what disturbed her was the painful tug she felt deep in her good-natured side. "I'm warning you, back off!" She said all too quietly to have her certainty taken seriously.

"Let's see you make me." He snickered and before she could blink, his fingers were around her waist, tightly digging ruthlessly into the soft flesh. Her nerves were shot as she felt his hands move across her body and as he shifted forward, something familiar caught her sight. The _hair_.

And there was no way in _hell_ she was going to go quietly.

Hesitantly, she raised her hand and reached behind him, though he didn't seem to notice. She halted for a moment as her old phobias resurfaced, but then shook her head furiously. Screw the black, gooey, toxic, parasite! She grabbed a handful of his dark, green hair and-

**YANK!**

With a roar of rage and pain, Envy tried to pull back and Winry's eyes widened.

Wow, who would have thought…

"GAH!" He twisted his head back, but she wouldn't let up. In fact the wench had a death grip on it and kept tugging it back. "Let- go- of- my- hair- WENCH!!" He growled, grinding his teeth together.

"NO!" Winry snapped. "I won't let you…" She shuddered.

"There isn't a damn thing you can do about it! OW-" She pulled even harder. "YOU- when I get through with you, you'll be BEGGING me to-"

Though at the moment, she wasn't paying attention. Fear had morphed into intrigue as she looked at his abnormally, coloured hair and fingered it lightly. What was this? No grease? No sludge? No formation of the new _blob_? She experimentally ran her fingers over it, raking over his scalp and found that it was surprisingly soft yet firm just like a… she sweat-dropped. Just like a leaf… hnn.

"What are you doing?" An uneasy voice asked.

She looked over and it dawned on her just where she was, though unconsciously, her fingers were still massaging his scalp. It was then she noticed the glazed over, fevered look in his eyes. She didn't recoil as he shifted forward, leaning his head against her shoulder. Then she froze, though she should be getting used to it, or at least what she THOUGHT she felt on her thigh, as he groaned lowly.

My oh my. It seemed that even the most inhospitable of homunculi had a weak spot!

Gasping in surprise, she loosened her grip a touch, and as reality smacked them both in the head, she jumped back, pressing herself against the tree at the same time he took a step back.

"Um- um- ah!" She lightly tapped her fingers together in fear and slight embarrassment. "I just thought that, well…"

He placed his hands on his hips, eyes narrowed menacingly. "What?!" He actually looked contemplative and slightly flustered. NO ONE had _ever_ had the audacity… and guts, to touch his hair before.

"Y- your hair it's- uh- soft." She looked at her hand, making sure that no green slime had rubbed off. Nope, her hand was clean…

"Well, what did you think?" He smirked, now _this_ he had to hear. Not like he hadn't heard it a thousand times before.

"Um… I'm not exactly sure." She finished off uneasily.

Envy just stared at her, his eyebrow raised slightly while the intensity of his orbs made her shrink further back. He still looked highly contemplative, and much to her shock, he turned on his heel and slowly started to walk away.

"Uh… wait!" Was she insane?! Well, she still had some unfinished business with him. Though she had filled most of her end of their little deal earlier.

Stopping, his violet eyes broiled over in anger as she stood, blocking his path, but there was something else…

He looked down and he saw her hands outstretched and holding out… his headband. He stared at it for a moment, his eyes a bit blank until they lifted to hers.

He suddenly scoffed and brushed passed her.

"Keep it." She heard him say as he stopped, looking at her over his shoulder with a slight grin. "It doesn't look bad on you at all." He added in slight amusement.

Winry raised an eyebrow at him. Yes, he certainly was an… _interesting_ character-

**"WIN- RYYYYY!!!"**

_'EDWARD!'_ Winry turned with a big smile. Then she grew confused when she heard a dog bark. _'Den…?' _She looked up as both of their forms started to materialize in the distance.

Envy looked as well, turning slowly as a sinister smirk took over. The pipsqueak was still a few miles away, but he would come soon enough, ready for a fight, and Envy had no problem breaking every bone in his tiny body.

Winry saw that look in his eyes and grew fearful. That homunculus was strong, and probably had no rival…

"_YOU BASTARD_!!" Ed charged at Envy, his blade ready to cleave him in two, as Envy yawned loudly and simply cracked his knuckles. No big deal.

Winry quickly reached into her pocket. She would regret this later, but she had to stop Ed from getting hurt. She drew back before outstretching her hand and-

**CLONK!**

Ed went down like a useless sack of potatoes as her signature wrench bounced off his skull. Den then came up from behind and enclosed his jaw around it, and brought it obediently back to her. "Thank you, boy." She smiled and patted him on the head.

Envy gave a low whistle. That tactic could prove to be very useful.

"SON OF A-" Ed dug his fingers into the ground, trying to pull himself up. "What's the matter with you?!" She winced apologetically.

Envy smirked tauntingly down at him, while deciding on the most fitting shape he could twist his limbs into, until something stuck out at him. "Well, shrimp, it looks like you had fun." He smirked at his tattered appearance. "And you got a little something here." He waved a finger towards Ed's shoulder.

Making a face, Ed turned to see what the hell was so damn funny. He yelped as he saw a piece of fluff from Greed's collar float off like pollen.

"Oh, I see." Envy lifted his chin upwards, eyes shifting down at him. "You've found your match with Greed. Disgusting enough as that is, it seems fitting in both of your cases. Two useless pieces of crap…" He snickered loudly.

"SHUT UP! _YOU WARPED, &#$#, asshole, son of a-_"

Meanwhile, Den was looking at Envy curiously, perking his ears up every so often. He was weird, he had no scent other than his Mistress's… was that a good thing?

"ENVY!" A squeaky voice called in the distance and everyone turned to the clearing. Wrath was standing there, panting heavily. "Our master wants to see us!" He chirped.

Envy grimaced before turning slowly and setting off down the path Edward and Den just came from. When he passed Winry, he grinned and waggled his eyebrows at her, while making sure to casually stomp on Ed's back on his way by.

"Hi, Winry!" She blinked the dumbfounded expression out of her eyes a few times before turning away from Envy to see Wrath standing in front of her, smiling up at her brightly.

"Oh… hi, Wrath." She greeted with a small wave. Wasn't this the same boy who brutally attacked Ed and Al back on Yock Island? Why was he being so… sweet? Could he have a split personality…?

He sighed as he noticed Envy nearing the end of the path. "Well, I gotta go." He waved at her as he went to catch up with him before he was out of sight.

"Okay, stay out of… trouble?" Not that it would do much good.

Winry watched for a moment as Envy slipped out of sight, then after a while, Wrath did as well. They were certainly an… _interesting_ bunch, now that she'd seen the homunculi up close. She probably wouldn't forget them anytime soon-

"WIN- RY!" Ed yelled, drawing her attention back to him.

Winry blinked a few times. "What? Oh! Edward!" She smiled brightly and kneeled down as he pulled himself onto his arms, while the rest of him was still sprawled out on the ground.

He brushed her hand away. "Leave me alone!" He snapped.

"What's wrong with you?" She tilted her head the side, touching his cheek in confusion.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH _ME_?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH _YOU_?!" Ed spat. "You took _me_ out and then just watched them go!"

She stood back up, tapping her foot lightly. "Ed! Those homunculi are STRONG, and now I have several points of reference. You could get seriously hurt and I won't let you do that when I'm standing two feet away!" She tried to reason.

He growled and stubbornly looked the other way. "You're starting to sound like Al, but…" His eyes narrowed, bringing his glare back to her. "You weren't scared or anything! Even when Wrath showed up!" Winry gave a tiny shrug and he clenched his teeth together. "Maybe I shouldn't have come to save you!"

"Well… he _is_ kinda cute once you get passed… _everything_ else." Winry held her chin in the air, and placed her index finger on her lip thoughtfully, as if really surmising it.

**"_WHAAAT_?!" **Winry giggled. At the moment, she couldn't tell if he was a human or some kind of mongoloid.

"Oh, Ed…" She shook her head exasperatedly and knelt down to his level. "I'm only kidding! I was happy when you came…"

He growled and jabbed a finger in her direction. "Then, WHAT IS _THAT_?!" He redirected his finger to something on her lap.

She blinked a few times in slight confusion, before dropping her gaze to her lap. Oh, yeah… he never took his headband back. "Oh, it's nothing, Ed." Although the daggers he was glaring at it, as if it was a known killer, was quite amusing. "Don't worry!" She hastily waved her hands around. "I'll burn it to a crisp for you, and I'll make sure it gets done right and ask Mustang to-" She cut herself off, knowing it was a bad move.

A _really_ bad move.

"OH, NO YOU DON'T! _NO WAY_! _NO HOW_!" Ed pulled himself over so he was mere inches from her face. "YOU ARE _NOT _GOING TO ASK THAT _BASTARD_ FOR ANYTHING!"

"Ew, Ed…" Winry wiped the corner of her mouth. "That's sick. What's wrong with you? Haven't you ever heard of _say it DON'T spray it_?!"

He grumbled and pulled back, muttering something along the lines of an apology. He then took to scrutinizing her profile, and if it was possible, became even more pissed off.

Yes, Winry's appearance was certainly way more than a little suggestive as to what might have been going on. Her hair was completely down and mussed up. Of course her tube top made his cheeks tint ever-so-slightly, and her jacket was missing, allowing her already baggy pants to go on a free-for-all. Her pants… there was something off about her pants…

His golden eyes hardened at the grass stains on a few parts, but that wasn't what made his eyes widen absurdly. Her pants were sticky. What the… he looked at her hands, they were sticky too! What the hell?! He then moved up to her face, and almost fell face first into the ground. The corner of her mouth was sticky too!!… WHAT THE #$#&?!!

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

Whimpering, Den lay down on the ground, crossing his paw across his snout.

It took her a moment to realize what he was talking about, and when she did, she felt like stomping his head into the ground. Just what kind of girl did he take her for?! Then again… this could be fun…

"I'm not telling!" Winry taunted as she casually pulled herself to her feet, blatantly ignoring his apprehensive expression. She walked over to where she had left her jacket. Which just so happened to be where the empty bee hive and the bouquet of lavenders were, though Envy's death grip on them had pretty much killed them. Poor things. She tied her jacket around her waist, and turned back to face him, innocently awaiting his next accusation.

Suddenly the worst of scenarios went through his mind and he jumped up from the ground and took a few hasty steps towards her. "Did you-?" Ed grabbed her arm, but she shrugged it off.

She started laughing a bit. "Did you and that Greed fellow?" Was a part of her actually enjoying this?

"NO!" Ed immediately spat, looking positively mortified.

"Uh huh… then… why is there a hickey on your neck?" Winry looked sideways at him, raising an intrigued eyebrow. Her frame was beginning to shake with her bottled up chuckles.

"Hickey? I DO NOT!!" Ed howled in alarm as his hand went to his neck.

"Yes you do!" Winry barely got the words out through her own stream of giggles. "Go look in the lake over there if you don't believe me!"

Rushing passed her, Ed bolted for the river in a mad panic and fell to his hands and knees, looking down at his reflection. Sure enough on his neck was a big red blotch. Wait a minute, he didn't remember Lyra doing…

Winry braced herself in advance.

"AAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Ed's horrified scream echoed throughout the woods as Winry couldn't hold her chuckles back anymore and fell down to her knees, rolling over with laughter.


	11. Chapter 10: The Normality

_Now_ you can all breathe easier. Here is the final chapter…

**Disclaimer:** Chibi-san and company belong exclusively to Hiromu Arakawa and anyone else who legally makes money off of them… now that just sounds wrong. I couldn't possibly own the song because it came even before my parents' time. The only OC belongs to me, as well as this plot on crack, which is definitely what I was on when I wrote this.

Chaos is fun, but this one must come to a close.

**Love Potion Number Nine**

**Chapter 10 "The Normality"**

"Hey, Envy! Wait up, would ya?!" Wrath called as he tried to catch up to the eldest sin. Envy of course, ignored his presence entirely and continued down the path. On one side of the straight, dirt path was a river. "ENVY!" He called out again after he caught up to him, but something about the elder sin caught his attention. "What happened to your headband?"

Envy shrugged and a flash went through his body. When it cleared, the missing garment appeared over his forehead. "There, happy, runt? Now will you shut up?"

Wrath was still looking at him oddly. "But it's not the same one. It's different." Then he looked down at Envy's slightly tattered clothes and noticed something peculiar on him. "What's that gooey stuff all over your hands?" He asked innocently.

For a brief second, he though he saw Envy smirk in an odd way from usual. He seemed to be recalling something as he raised his eyebrows ever so slightly, but when the little homunculus blinked, Envy's sinister expression had taken over once again. "Damn, kid. You just don't know when to shut the hell up, do you?"

Wrath puffed out his cheeks, but before he could pester Envy further, which would promptly get him pummelled into the ground, he spotted Greed coming down the same path, heading towards them. Envy saw him too and snickered until it hit him that something about Greed's appearance seemed horribly, _horribly_ off.

He stopped abruptly in front of Greed and cocked an eyebrow. "… the hell? Why'd you take your shirt off, ass wipe?"

Greed gritted his teeth, but bit back a growl. "What's it to you?! Ya wannabe palm-tree, BASTARD!" He screamed before bending down to pick up a large stone and hurled it at Envy's head who easily caught it before it even came close to its destination.

His eyebrow twiched. "Pull something like that again and you'll be shitting this rock!" With that he threw the stone back at him with twice as much vigour, however, Greed was able to duck just in time as it zoomed over his head.

Wrath glanced up at Greed as something seemed to come back to him from what he overheard Winry mention. "Ewwwww! You were all over _Fullmetal_!" His eyes widened as he thought about it for a moment. "… _yuck_! You have… **CHIBI COOTIES**!"

Even Envy seemed to shrink back a step. "_Seriously_? Damn, Greed. I knew you were bad, but COME ON!" He pointed his finger at Greed and started snickering. "So tell me, jack off. When are the little bastards due?"

"NNNNNAAAAAAAGGGHH!!" Greed's arm changed into granite as he charged at Envy, with the intention of knocking his lights out. Well, that _was_ his plan of action until the older sin yawned mockingly and jumped out of the way at the last minute so that Greed wouldn't realize the close proximity the path was to the river.

"Er, eh…" Greed teetered on the edge for a moment until Envy came up from behind him, and gave him a little 'push' with his finger, acting like nothing happened as Greed plunged into the icy waters with a resounding splash. Envy placed his hands on his hips, peering over the short ledge, waiting for Greed to resurface. And surface he did, glaring murderously up at him.

Envy leered down at him. "Now who said I've never done anything _nice_ for someone." He mocked. "Here's the first step in getting the stink of the Fullmetal pipsqueak off you." He crossed his arms and cackled loudly as Wrath fell over onto his back, laughing his head off.

"ARGGHHH!" Greed gripped onto his hair, wanting so badly to yank it out in frustration. "ENVY! SHUDDUP, YOU $#&# NUMB NUTS!" He yelled as he jumped out of the river and charged the headstrong homunculus.

However, he leapt right over Greed's head and continued down the path as though the seething homunculus didn't even exist. Greed then made a grab for Wrath, but the little guy slipped underneath him, between his legs and chased after the eldest sin. "Don't even try, dipshit!" Envy yelled over his shoulder. "I'm much stronger and faster than you could ever hope to be!"

"GET BACK HERE, NATURE BOY!" Greed screeched after him.

"Do us all a favour! Take a _loooong_ bath!"

* * *

"Look at all of you." Izumi clicked her tongue disapprovingly as she studied the bunch before her. "Now do you see what happens when you rush into unknown territory and right into the enemy's hands without preparation?" 

"May I step in on this one, Izumi?" Pinako calmly walked up next to the woman, folding her arms behind her pack as she calmly puffed on her pipe.

"So help me, God…" Winry said sarcastically and buried her face into her hands. She overheard Ed and even Al grimace as well. They all knew that this was going to be worse. _Much_ worse.

Izumi looked at the short woman for a moment before shrugging coolly. "They're all yours." She took a few steps back, folding her arms across her breasts as she settled in for the show.

"This is ridiculous!" Mustang stood up, dusting off his pants. "I am _not_ going to sit here and get lectured by some half-pint, old woman who's three times my age!"

"HALF-PINT?!" Ed jumped up, yanking back his sleeves.

"Edward sit down. He's not even talking about you." Winry sighed and reached up, tugging him back down by his tattered red coat.

"Colonel Mustang, I think you should sit back down as well." Pinako calmly suggested.

"I've had enough." Mustang picked up his crumpled uniform coat off of the ground. "Let's go, lieutenant."

"Sir…" Hawkeye ventured.

"I really think you should listen to her, Colonel." Al nervously twiddled his fingers at a prodigious rate, anticipating the events that would inevitably follow.

"Please, have a seat." Pinako smoothly exhaled the smoke.

"Now _you_ listen here-"

**"_SIT_!"**

Roy fell back on the ground as a few birds scattered nearby. "_Holy shit_…" He muttered.

"Now…" The old woman turned back to face the group on the ground before her. Which consisted of Ed, Winry, Al, Mustang and Hawkeye. Though Al and Winry were still trying to figure out what _they_ did wrong.

Pinako shook her head disapproving at the sorry excuse laid out before her. "Look at you…" Mustang grimaced. Maes would be laughing it up right about now. "Frolicking about like a bunch of young pups in the spring…" Hawkeye looked down at her lap. If her non-monotonous behaviour got back to her co-workers… "Covered from head to toe in… I don't even want to _know _what." Winry shifted uncomfortably as Ed was looking her attire over, growling at the grass stains and stickiness all over her pants. _Sticky_! Only one thing came to mind as he glared menacingly down at a certain someone's headband sticking out of her pocket. In fact, it was surprising that the sparks shooting out of his eyes hadn't charred it to a crisp. "So tell me… what have you all become?"

"B-but, Auntieee!" Al whined pathetically, as he fiddled the remnants of his loincloth. "Winry and I weren't even apart of… whatever THAT was."

"And what about the rest of us?!" Ed protested. "We didn't actually CHOOSE to get involved with those scaly, slippery, disgusting-"

Pinako waved her hand dismissively and Winry sighed again. "Guys, you can try if you want to, but good luck. I've been trying for years, and it's gotten me nowhere…"

"But _I_ didn't do anything!" Al rephrased.

"HA!" Ed looked him over, before snorting. "Here's coming from someone who's covered in blue lipstick marks!"

Al looked down at himself and squealed in alarm. It was true… all over his chest and shoulder plates, and his arms… EEK!

Winry chuckled. "It looks like you have some _love bites_ of your own, Al." She grinned smugly over at Ed.

Ed flushed and clamped his hand over her mouth. "I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO _NEVER _BRING THAT UP AGAIN?!" Winry giggled a bit impishly before ripping his arm away.

"That's enough. All of you." Pinako cut in. "So because of what transpired today. I want you to do chores around the town in order to pay the mayor back for the damage you did. In other words… community service."

"This is absurd!" Roy cut in.

"Be as it may, Colonel Mustang." She calmly replied. "But most of you caused a lot of property damage to the area near Dublith. You bunch probably hit every sector of this forest. Not to mention my last minute ticket out here."

Winry ripped Ed's hand away from her mouth. "But why do _I_ have to help?!"

"I can answer that." Izumi stepped in. "I had a feeling that something was going on in your room earlier." She gave the girl a placid smile. "Seeing is how there were dirty footprints on the carpet. _Bare_ footprints might I add, as strange as that is. So that will need to be cleaned up." Winry growled and sat back, crossing her arms stubbornly.

_Yes_. A sledgehammer embedded in that green-haired homunculus's head sounded _really_ good right about now…

Suddenly Ed spoke up. "Where's the old hag? She's certainly conspicuous in her absence." He stated in a bored tone.

"Watch your tongue before it gets ripped out, shortie." Pinako snapped.

"SHORTIE?! I'M TALLER THAN YOU!"

Al sighed in exasperation. "Auntie, I think Nii-san's talking about old lady, Abi."

"Did someone call?" Abi stepped out from behind a spruce. "My, but what an eventful day this has been."

"YOU!" Winry's eyes widened as she pointed at the woman. "I remember you! You're the weirdo with the cheap perfume!"

"Ah! Miss Winry, it's so nice to see you again." The old woman trotted over and bent down to her level. "I haven't seen you since the mobile palm tree ran off with you. Though I have to admit, I didn't exactly have that planned for you…" Her eyes flickered over to Ed for a moment, who looked more than a little confused, before returning her gaze to the blue-eyed girl and softened her gaze.

Winry eyed her warily as she lightly grasped the girl's chin between her index finger and thumb. "So tell me. Did you have fun? Did he take you someplace romantic? Why are you _sticky_? Did you two _do_ anything? Did he give you flowers and any other gifts?" The giddy, old woman bubbled over and fired off similar, enthusiastic questions.

Winry flushed horribly and tried to struggle away. "Um, well I- er, what I mean is…"

Ed's body was actually shaking with rage as squeaky little grimaces rolled forth between his gritted teeth. He clenched his automail hand so tightly the bolts started snapping.

"Edward!" Winry was finally able to form full sentences. "If you break my automail just one more time I SWEAR that when I'm done with you, you'll be nothing more than a tiny blonde memory!"

Ed blanched and jumped behind Al who started chuckling, along with a select few, which definitely included Mustang.

"Well…" Abi stood back up and stretched. "I really should be going now. I have a… certain someone I need to check in on and see how they're taking all this." She flashed Izumi a mischievous little smile that only she caught.

Izumi smirked in return.

* * *

Dante tapped her foot in irritation, mortally pissed off at the sight before her. "I don't care WHO you were! I wouldn't even care if you were the last beings on Shamballa! I would rather a group of giant, mutant leaches, or a pack of scorpions! I would prefer it if TERMITES overran my entire mansion! ANYTHING but YOU!" She jabbed her index finger at her audience. 

Pride, Gluttony, Lust, Wrath and Sloth all sighed. "Please don't be angry with us, master…" Sloth spoke up. "We are terribly sorry for our failure."

"It was an accident!" Wrath piped up.

"No…" Dante cut him off. "This was no accident. This was just YOU, and only you bunch. LOOK AT THIS MESS!" She gestured over towards the forest. It looked like it had been clear cut and charred to a crisp. As for Dante's property, the mansion was still intact, but the front gate had been blown to filings and most of the steel fence had been knocked over. As there were shredded branches all over her yard and old-fashioned patio set and even the roof of the house.

"What is it with you five? Better yet this whole new generation of homunculi?!" She huffed in frustration as the others just stared or shifted uncomfortably. "Now, before I send you all back to the graves you came out of… CLEAN UP THIS PLACE!!!"

"… … you are joking." Pride's good eye actually widened.

"No, I'm not." Dante spat. "You five screw-ups have foiled my plans for the last time!"

"Wait a minute…" Wrath made a face. "How come Envy and Greed don't have to help?" He whined.

"Because I DON'T know where they are!" Dante snapped as she turned back to the front doors of her mansion. "And don't even THINK about coming back inside until this place is as clean as it was before you disaster-prone bunch came on board!" And with that, she slammed the door in their faces.

The others just stood there, blinking stupidly for a moment until Wrath broke the silence. He scrunched up his nose and stuck his tongue out at the door. "What a-"

Sloth placed her hand over his mouth.

* * *

Dante walked through the mansion in a huff until Lyra came upon her, trying to straighten her red hair band which she had retrieved from the ground. "I'm so sorry, sensei…" She bowed several times. "But I failed in my mission…" She stared solemnly down at her feet. 

"Hmm… never mind, dear." She looked down at Lyra's clothes. "Perhaps you should right your appearance." Lyra looked down at herself and immediately flushed, and hiked her torn dress up over her breasts.

"Oh! B-by the way…" Lyra piped up as Dante started walking away. "That strange woman with the elixirs is loitering out back again…" Dante halted for a moment before redirecting her path to deal with the traitorous old enchantress.

"Well, hello again, Mistress Dante!" Abi chirped, greeting her with a wave. "Just dropped by to say tootles. I'm off to new exotic places! Through and through, I'm fairly pleased with the way things turned out today!" She giggled like mad as she stroked her cub.

"The plan was a complete failure." Dante glowered at her. "And it's all _your_ fault."

"Mine?" Abi arranged her face into an innocent expression and pointed to herself. "I did nothing wrong. Did you not here my chant on the stone? Red is the colour of power and purple is the colour of infatuation… or love. And I find it truly ironic that the colour in the majority of your homunculi's eyes is _the _colour of love." Here, Abi snickered tauntingly.

"Homunculi DON'T have feelings!" Dante stated firmly. "I know. I am their master; a TRUE _Shepard of sins_." She held a smug expression at her own profound title.

"_Shepard of sins_?! WAHAHAHAAA!!" Abi choked a little. "I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself, _dearie_." She chuckled again while Dante tried to keep her anger in check, but failed to conceal it completely since her body started to shake on the spot. "By the way…" She walked up to her and held up a childishly wrapped gift box. "I got you a little something and I wanted to give it to you before I hit the road."

Dante glared at her, then peered down at the neatly wrapped box before returning her menacing gaze at the old woman.

Abi pouted. "Oh, COME ON!" She grinned cheerfully and shoved the gift into Dante's arms.

Dante grimaced before _carefully_ unwrapping the tissue and flipping the cardboard top open. Inside was a little music box, only it was slightly bigger than a normal one.

"GO ON! Push the button!" Abi urged.

Against everything she had been taught in the past and that given the kind of person she was, it could be a bomb. Dante actually did press the button, and it didn't combust, it started playing, what else but 'Love Potion Number Nine.' Dante stared down at it like it was the cause for all those shenanigans as Abi burst out laughing.

"Well! I've got to go! So many more matches to make. So little time!" She waggled her fingers at Dante before sprinting away as fast as her short legs would take her back down the path. "TA TAA!" She called out.

Dante clenched her fists, the bones snapping painfully, although she didn't notice. Next time she saw that troublesome, mischief-making woman… She would ring her bloody neck into a crepe. She huffed again as she looked around at the ruins surrounding her property and pulled out a pen and a blank sheet of paper. She would learn from her mistakes. After all, she could use this as she collected information on her homunculi's weaknesses.

She pushed the nub of the pen and began to jot a few things down.

1. Don't let homunculi associate with humans. They'll end up frolicking like young pups _worse_ than any regular mortals.

2. Never put Greed in charge of ANYTHING. He'll screw it all up.

She looked up and grimaced at the various shattered windows of her mansion.

3. Homunculi CAN'T sing worth a shit.

* * *

"Is he STILL in there?" Marta asked as she leaned against the counter of the tavern. "What's wrong with him?" 

Kimblee shrugged. "Don't really know. But for the past hour, he's been spitting out and rinsing like there's no tomorrow."

"Do you think he had a run-in with the homunculi while he was by himself?" Roa wondered out loud, worried about their leader's well-being.

Kimblee shrugged again and rested on a bar stool. "Who knows?" He stated and waved his dismissively. The first thing Greed did when he came back to the Devil's Nest was rush to the back muttering something about not rebelling against him before dashing into the bathroom in a mad panic, locking the door behind him.

"Oh! Szhere he zomes now!" Bido slurred from Kimblee's side as the back door finally creaked open.

Greed stood in the doorway, looking like he was taking the cowardly route to the guillotine. The first thing that hit the group however was the overwhelming stench of various colognes, aftershaves, an overdose of breath mints, and they were pretty sure he had bathed in bleach. Other than that, he was standing in the door way wearing nothing but his pants, and a white towel draped over his shoulders, while his hair looked like it had a close encounter with a typhoon.

Concerned for her leader, Marta took one step forward. "Greed… what happened?"

"Yeah, you look like shit." Kimblee snickered as he guzzled the rest of his beer while Bido erupted into hysterics.

Greed clenched his fists so hard, he actually drew blood. Not that he felt much. "Oh, gee. Thanks a lot!" He growled while everyone- save for Kimblee and Bido- stared at him wide-eyed. Not having the energy to fight, Greed just hunched forward. Then everyone knew something really horrible must have happened.

Greed just sighed heavily. He had _finally _got the degrading stench of the Fullmetal midget off of him, but there was still one HUGE problem. On his way back to his base of operations, he passed by a guy… and Greed actually thought he had a nice physique! T-then… he thought for sure that he felt _it_ move. Oh god, Oh god. That was the sign wasn't it? Every boy and girl goes through that phase when he or she thinks that they're gay, and usually make that choice when they're younger, but HE didn't! He had always had more than his fair share of women over the centuries… could it be that all this time… he wanted something _new_?!

Marta took another hesitant step forward. "Were you blind-sighted? Was it those creatures dressed in black?"

There had to be some way to redeem himself. _Some way_…

Slightly frustrated, Marta placed her hand on her hips. "Greed, what- mmmph!"

Her question was answered when Greed abruptly pulled her into him and crushed his lips down on hers. The others- including Kimblee- gawked at the highly suggestive scene as Greed clasped one arm around her waist and pulled her even tighter against his chest, deepening the kiss while Marta remained as stiff as a post. He bent her back slightly and stayed that way until he felt a certain tension in his leather fabric. EXACTLY what he had hoped for!

He pulled away and threw his arm up in a victory stance. "_YESH_! I'M BACK, BABY, I'M BACK!" He cheered as Marta stumbled back a few steps, placing the tips of her fingers on her lips.

Dorochet snickered and playfully smacked her on the back. "You're blushing, Marta."

The snake chimera immediately flushed a deeper crimson and before anyone could blink, Dorochet was sprawled on the ground, harbouring several lumps forming on his head as well as little coo coo birds swirling around his head.

* * *

"And then I want _you_ to head down there as well…" Dante stated from her seat in her giant kitchen. 

Envy was looking _painfully _bored, leaning against the counter and not even trying to look like he was moderately paying attention. It was _always_ the same with the old woman: nag. Nag. NAG. Bitch. Bitch. BITCH! And the only thing Envy, like everyone else, heard when she started running her mouth was _wuh wah wuh woh wuhhhh_.

"While the others keep a close eye on the Elric brothers…" Dante rambled on and on as she popped her toast out.

Envy rolled his head back to stare up at the ceiling, not suppressing the long, tortuous sigh that rolled forth. It was times like this when he felt like taking a bullet to his own head… not that it would do much good.

_Squish, slosh, mush…_

Envy frowned, furrowing his brows. What was that sound? It was so familiar… he'd recognize it anywhere…

He lifted his head and looked down at the table where his master was buttering her toast with… honey.

Honey.

_Sticky_ honey.

He looked on with a truly unidentifiable expression as she stuck her knife back into the slippery condiment, and plunged it deep inside of the slick substance. Repeatedly thrusting it in and out, twirling and lathering while some of it coated the utensil in a thick sheen…

_Condiment_, another particularly nice word-

"What?" Dante abruptly broke his 'concentration.'

Envy blinked a few times before shrugging. Without another word, he turned on his heel, doing his best to hide the smirk which was just begging to make itself known and curtly left his master's presence without her permission. Once he reached the main room by the landing, he didn't even try to suppress notorious stream of laughter as he wandered up to the second floor.

Well, there were _some_ things that wouldn't be the same. _Interesting_.

_Very_ interesting…

* * *

After having cleaned up a touch and put her ponytail and bandana back in place, Winry went up to the second floor of Izumi's house and went straight for the bathroom where Izumi said Riza had run off to. She was surprised to see her grandmother seated outside of the room with a handful of towels on her lap. Pinako smiled up at her. "That military woman is in there right now. I think she's had quite the day, dear." Winry nodded and gently eased the door open. 

"WHO'S THERE?!" A mortally pissed off voice echoed in the small space.

"It's just me, Riza-sama." She stated with a chuckle, and closed the bathroom door behind her. The curtain of the bathtub was drawn, but she could still hear the sounds of Riza scrubbing herself furiously.

"Ah, Winry-san. I'm glad you're safe." She paused momentarily before going back to washing herself. "So, I take it that green-haired homunculus didn't hurt you."

"No, no he didn't, but… what happened?" She flipped down the toilet seat and placed herself on it, pulling one knee up. "Mustang said you had quite the… adventure." Though that's all Winry could get out of him, since he was muttering something else about missing out on a double play.

She heard Riza growl. "GLUTTONY!" The older woman shouted in white hot malice.

"Gluttony?" Winry frowned. It was easy enough to pinpoint who that was, but what did that rotund homunculus have to do with… _oh_…

"He- he- oooh! If I see him again, I will KILL him!"

"Um… what did he do, Riza-sama?" Though Winry had the feeling she didn't want to know.

"He chased me around! And said that he was in _love_ with me!" Riza dipped herself under the water and resurfaced, then pulled her long hair forward and lathered it with more soap and apparently some kind of disinfectant.

"Gluttony?" Winry repeated, still in disbelief and made a disgusted face. She could practically feel the bile rise up in her throat.

"AND he GROPED me! That fat, slimy, ton of-" Riza started to scrub at her skin again.

"Euwww…" Winry pinched the bridge of her nose. She had seen that spiky-haired homunculus briefly chasing Ed, but not Gluttony chasing Riza!

"I know!" Riza grimaced with another shudder. "He said I had breasts like a sheep's rotten spleen!"

"Um, I guess to him… it's a compliment?" Winry ventured. "I'm sure Mustang wouldn't agree…" She began slyly. Winry couldn't see Riza through the drape, but she would bet her bottom dollar that the first lieutenant was blushing.

"Anyway…" She continued with a giggle. "I'm just checking up on all of you to make sure you haven't all _completely_ lost your sanity." She could tell that at the rate Riza was scrubbing her skin, it was probably beet red. "Riza-sama, if you keep scrubbing yourself like that, you'll scrub your skin right off! I have some stuff in my bag that smells really good and I bet it'll help."

"… really, Winry-san?" Riza actually looked relieved. If Winry had something she was sure would take the stench of Gluttony away from her, she knew it would work.

"Sure!" Winry smiled, happy to help out the older woman. Seeing is how anything that got _her_ of all people riled up just wasn't right. "I have some body lotion… it's um, strawberries and cream. It smells very good and it's good for your skin! I'll go get it." She stood up and stretched before walking out of the room.

Den greeted her partially down the hall. "Hiya, Den." She laughed prettily as he jumped up on her with his front paws. "Let's got get some lotion for Riza-sama." She stated as she continued down the hall to her room with Den on her heels.

Winry found her suitcase right where she had left it, but unfortunately she also caught a certain blonde alchemist dressed in nothing but his pants and boots with his hair messily pulled out, digging through everything.

"Edward! What do you think you're doing?!" Winry placed her hands on her hips.

"Sorry, Winry." He said, not looking up from his search. "Damn it! Is all you have are tools in this thing? Where's your feminine stash?" Winry blushed and suddenly he leaped up, a victorious smile on his face. "Ah ha! Your deodorant!"

And then he started to spray himself all over with the aerosol can he had found in her bag.

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" Winry exclaimed.

"WHAT?! It's disgusting! My skin is crawling all over because of that greedy bastard!" Ed tried NOT to think about Winry and her little rendezvous with one of his sworn enemies. Then again, she did say that she had already burned that little memento. So that much was better. "I've hosed myself off fifteen times and I can still feel that filthy _homunculus_! I HATE those disgusting BASTARDS! NO ONE had it worse than me!!"

"Liar!" Al shouted from downstairs. "The lipstick's not coming off! I'm gonna have to walk around like this! WHO WEARS _BLUE_ LIPSTICK ANYWAY?!"

"Shut up, Al! I had it WAY worse than you!" Ed shouted back, and pointed at the floor, glaring daggers through it.

"Hold still!" They heard Mason plead with Al.

"Scrub harder, PLEASE!" Al squealed.

"Uh… we're gonna need a hell of a lot more steel wool…"

Winry started to chuckle.

"WHAT?" Ed looked at her in irritancy.

"That's not deodorant!" Winry looked on in amusement as Ed's hair curled up a little and stuck out on all ends.

"Wha-?" Ed glanced at the now empty bottle.

"It's a curl enhancing hair spray! Grandma gave it to me." Winry giggled as she saw Ed sneeze as the sticky spray worked its way into his nose.

"GAAAAAHHHHH!!" Ed abruptly threw the can across the room. Every bit of his hair, including a few _select_ places…

"EEYYYAAAAA!!" Ed's scream could have risen the dead as he ran back downstairs and slammed the front door behind him, making a beeline for the hose again.

Winry broke into a fit of giggles as Den barked playfully by her side. She squatted down and scratched tenderly behind his ears. "It sure has been an… _interesting_ day to say the least, hey boy?" Den playfully lapped at her cheek. "What do you think, Den…?" Winry reached into her jacket pocket about her waist and pulled out a certain someone's headband. "Pretty nifty, isn't it?" Den tilted his head, sniffing at it curiously.

"THIS IS WHY I HATE VALENTINE'S DAYYYYY!!!" Ed screeched over the rushing water.

While everyone else was screeching and cussing about something or another, Izumi and Sig were sitting at the kitchen table, calmly sipping their coffee. Izumi lifted up the mug to her lips. "Amateurs…" She stated coolly, before tipping the cup back, letting the warm liquid slide down her throat.

Sig merely smirked.

**The End!**

* * *

And unlike poor Edo-sama, I simply love Valentine's Day! I hope you all enjoyed reading this ridiculous and fluffy fic as much as I did while writing it. Now that it's over, tell me what you thought of it, because this is your last chance. 

**Plot of the Story:** I have been tossed aside all throughout this fic. I have no place in this world. I am completely and utterly forsook.

Of course credit is due to my insane and completely random assortment of songs… but most importantly…

"Love Potion Number Nine" by _The Clovers_. There are _a lot_ of versions, but this is the original, so it rightfully deserves the credit, but the one by _The Coasters_ is awesome too, and my personal favourite.

… I wonder how many people will look at honey the same again…;)


End file.
